HOPE_LESS_NESS

As I have been reflecting following?a recent fundraising event,?the CEO Sleepout UK, I wanted to express my gratitude for all the support that we have had from across the wider community and to share a little my experience.?On Monday night as I was listening to Mark Davenant sharing the stories behind his project 'Outsiders', (aimed to amplify the voices of people with experience of homelessness, https://davenantphotos.wordpress.com/outsiders/) I really connected with a photograph of a man, Steve, who Mark went on to explain was suffering with homelessness and unfortunately was no longer with us.?As I was looking at the picture of Steve and looking into his eyes, I was thinking about the word "home- less -ness".?

"Home - less – ness" the dictionary says homelessness is the state of having no home.

Usually, I would consider a home to be a building, bricks and mortar, a roof, somewhere to have where you can sleep underneath shelter, somewhere where you can sit and eat.??

I know that a lot of people we see suffering with homelessness have homes and have had homes, so I know that by giving people the opportunity to live in a home is human basic need and an intervention that is very much needed, but for me homelessness isn’t the main issue here, when I was stuck in addiction year after year, I had a home and the one thing I see in these people and what I really resonate and connect with is hope – less – ness.?Meaning, without hope, there was nothing material or physical that could have plugged that need for me, without hope I had nothing.

Many of those rough sleeping on our streets have experienced trauma in their lives and have their own unique stories that have led them down the path to where they are today.?

I remember as a kid I was quite sensitive and I was taught quite early on that to be my emotional and vulnerable self, it took away the very thing that I needed, love and connection. When a baby cries because its hurt itself looking for its mummy its looking for love, its looking for nurture.

When my dad would punish me and lose his temper, he would keep on hitting me until I became silent and compliant and only then would he stop. I learned from then that expressing my feelings was dangerous for me, the more I struggled and cried the longer and harder the punishment became, the sooner I became undefended, silent and still, the sooner it would stop, and I would receive the love and connection I craved when my Dad would cuddle me afterwards. My idea of love and connection was confusing. This also laid the foundation as I navigated the outside world as I experienced that if I was emotional, sad, sensitive, or angry, that it was a bad thing and I was either ignored, sent out of the room, punished, told to stand in the corner until I learnt to shut down. Here began my journey of abandoning my true self, labelled as the naughty kid, the problem, I found more and more evidence as I grew up in the world that being vulnerable and expressing my feelings was a dangerous and bad thing. Over the years that just got worse, and I got further and further away from who I really was, who I really am and I became what other people wanted me to be in order to fit in and be accepted whilst keeping people at a safe distance.?

I was told lots of things, that I was useless, that I was a waste of space, that I wouldn’t amount to anything, and you know the worst thing about that was that I really believed it. I was consumed with shame; I was consumed with guilt before I even picked up a drug. So when I did find alcohol and drugs at 13, that gave me a relief, for the first time in a long time I felt that I was enough and fitted in, that it could be possible for me to be loved and liked, I thought I had found my tribe at last; no wonder I didn’t put that back down again.?

I didn’t realise that I was entering the world of addiction. You see, I thought that addiction was about drugs and about alcohol, and once I stopped taking them that that would go away and now I know addiction to be something different. Addiction is what goes on inside my head, I have a craving/obsession for something that is going to take away my pain, make me feel ok temporarily, knowing that there’s always long-term consequences, but not being able to stop. Not being able to stop, even though I wanted to, it just got worse, progressing throughout my childhood to my late teens and into my early 20’s. In the early days I?had hope that something was going to happen for me that would take me away from that life and back to living a life of purpose and connection; but it just didn’t happen for me.? I tried everything, I tried moving jobs, moving towns, I tried swapping drugs, swapping people, different communities and I always came back to the same place of hopelessness, and without hope like I said in the beginning I had nothing, I just didn’t want to be here anymore.?All the feelings that I had and all the abuse that I went through, physical abuse, emotional, sexual abuse, I felt dirty, I felt that I wasn’t enough, I felt that I was a mistake, I felt that I was wrong, I shouldn’t be here and I just wanted to die because I had lost all hope.?I couldn’t escape my own reality no matter how many drugs I put into my system, I was still left with the same feelings of hopelessness and self-loathing.?

Now if someone had seen me on the street, I wouldn’t have told them that because there was no chance I was able to be vulnerable or be my authentic self, from the outside I may have looked as if I had it all together but inside I was dying but there must have been a part of me?that?was screaming out for someone to understand and to see me, to really see me.?

In 2004 that’s exactly what happened, I found a community of people in recovery that truly saw me, and?loved me,?and I was reunited with my old friend, hope.?There was nobody that told me what to do anymore, nobody that could prescribe anything to me,?no one who had opinions about me, or judgements about me, there were only people who had been where I had been, who were living a different life with purpose and with love and that is where my hope lived.?

I haven’t used since that day (04/04/04), I haven’t had to resort to medicating my pain. Now it hasn’t been easy because the trauma is within me, trauma doesn’t go away just because I’m clean and I’m not using anymore. I have found many ways over the years without using drugs where my addiction has manifested to take away that pain temporarily and leave me consumed with shame, and left me with no hope again, but thank God for the process of healing.?

I’ve found good people where I’ve been able to go back and look at the things that happened to me, now trauma isn’t the 'things that happened to me', that’s traumatic, as a child I was subjected to a lot of physical violence and was sexually abused at the age of 9, but that isn’t trauma, they are traumatic experiences, trauma is what 'happened inside of me' when those things happen to me.?

What happened to me changed the way I saw the world, I saw the world as a dangerous place, people couldn’t be trusted to take care of me and I wasn’t safe. It also changed the way that I saw myself, I was no longer innocent and pure, believing I was dirty, untrustworthy, unlovable, unlikeable, a mistake, unwanted, a problem and I really believed that to be true all the way into my adulthood, trying to hide and convince the world that I’m a good person whilst internally believing I’m a fraud. I tried not to believe this, but it was deep within the fibres of my being, like my DNA, I couldn’t help it and I would find ways to demonstrate it to be true and sabotage anything good and pure in my life because of the inherent belief that I didn't deserve it/

Recovery has given me an opportunity to go back and correct these old beliefs, to see that actually what I made up about myself isn’t true. Not just to have other people say it but to really embrace it and believe it to be true, and that is why today I’m living a life where I am able to be loved, to love, to be able to be my authentic self and have hope and contentment in my life. I’m no longer a casualty of hope – less – ness.?

I don’t share the events of my childhood and what happened with my dad to make him out to be a bad person, he really wasn't, we are traumatised children raised by traumatised children and I have a responsibility to end that cycle.?We are only just beginning to understand how our experiences play out in our family systems, re-writing the script for our children and their children is where our work really must continue.

The events of my life have led me to this place where I can use my influence and experience?to let people know that are experiencing hope - less - ness that there is hope for them too, that what happened to them does not define them, it is not the end of their story, it could be the beginning. No matter what they feel about themselves, no matter what they have been through, no matter what they have done, no matter what they have been told, there is hope for them and a life that they deserve a life filled with love, connection and purpose, they are not alone.?

There is an army of people with me that we have helped with Changes UK over the years that are also as committed to the cause, to put our stories out there to reach out to people to let them know that there is hope, to let them know that there’s another way.?

Today, I am so excited to have many corporate partners that are believing in us and understanding that addiction goes beyond what you see on the streets, "70% of those in active addiction are in full time employment", these people are going to lose their jobs, these people are going to lose their families and their homes if they are not given the right support at the right time. Today I am so grateful that we have so many businesses?that are willing to put their heads on the parapet to make a change to look at their policies and how they can support people in their own organisations that are suffering with addiction and to provide the support that they need so that they don’t have to lose their jobs and tell their kids that they’ve been sacked, that they are able to reach out and put their hand up and say I’m struggling. I’m not a bad person but I’m really struggling, and I need some help. I - NEED - SOME - HELP.?Those three very words can only be spoken in an environment that holds safety, we have to create these environments so that people can get the help they need and I’m so grateful for the businesses that are behind this movement with us. I’m grateful to everyone who attended the CEO Sleepout, I’m grateful to everyone who funded me, who’ve liked, shared and continued to support what we are doing on the world. You are the people that enable me to be my authentic self, who I really am, to be happy in the world in which I live.?

From the bottom of my heart, thank you!?

And to anyone that might be reading this that feels hope-less, please know that your story has ended yet, you deserve an opportunity to be held, to be cared for and to be able to begin your road back to recovery, like many of us before you. Please reach out, we are here for you!?

#changingpainintopurpose #changesuk #ceosleepout?

Please donate to support us