Hope through conversation

Messy reality

Life is tough at the best of times and full of messy reality, a phrase I use a lot, so what do I mean? Quite simply what brings us joy and purpose, can also bring us pain and complexity (our loved ones, our work, volunteering, our hobbies...).

I won't get all philosophical, it's the nature of the human condition! I will just add I love promoting this 'Both...and' concept (both joy and pain) because once we accept and embrace it, we can learn and grow from life's tough resilience journey.

Of course, 21st century life with its 24 hour noise and FOMO, polarisation, cost of living...it all adds to the intensity.

Workplace messy reality

That's without mentioning complexity in the post-pandemic hybrid workplace: ever increasing change, more work less resources, teams stressed out and overwhelmed or feeling unsupported, managers feeling like the ‘squeezed middle’ lacking in confidence, frustrated even overcompensating with micro-managing? I could go on! Even in workplaces where you feel valued, home or work stuff can get on top of you.

Build confidence to connect and have a conversation

My first newsletter of '24 is to inspire hope through conversation. Let's building confidence to have a simple yet profound conversation where we better look out for one another in a way that supports others and ourselves.

I introduce my conversation framework and reference heaps more resources in my other newsletters (all 20+ of them!) along with insights on roles, responsibilities and boundaries, my favourite topics. Let's re-wind and...

Spot the signs of stress and distress

So much we could cover here, the key is when you notice that your colleague, loved one, neighbour doesn’t seem themselves e.g. low mood, agitated, loss of humour, it’s time to ‘check-in’. I dedicate a newsletter to this topic Early intervention: spotting the signs.

Barriers to reaching out and seeking support

I like to share how logical it is to reach out for support, it's all part of a toolkit for managing messy reality. But of course so much can hold us back including stigma and fear. It's not just unhelpful narratives all around us, it's the unhelpful messages we absorb and re-tell ourselves like 'Man-up', 'Don't make a fuss' or 'I don't deserve help'.

There are also genuine reasons to consider carefully who to trust. I explore all this and the power of connection in my newsletter Taking the first step to finding support.

Barriers to reaching in and supporting safely

It's only natural to feel nervous about reaching in, especially if we wrongly assume it entails finding a solution. Another common assumption is that only natural 'connectors' or extroverts will know how to handle such an unknown awkward social interaction. In fact often more introverted personality types are great at these conversations as they tend to listen more and talk less!

Before I introduce my framework, a powerful way to build confidence is to understand what is and more importantly, what isn't your role. This is a generic list, when training it's customised to reflect actual job roles. here's another newsletter to find out Why your role matters! ??

Clarity on your role

What it is...

• Listening non-judgementally, be a pressure valve release
• Understanding the impact of challenges on their life
• Intervening early when signs stress & distress
• Exploring & linking to reliable sources support
• Knowing your limits and seeking expertise as appropriate

What it isn't...

× You are not a therapist or 24/7 support (it can get in your head!)

× Avoid assumptions or judgements (it's human to have them so put them aside)

× It's not your role to fix or know everything!

× Beware the ‘righting’ reflex - a drive to want to make everything alright!

My framework to build confidence

IN RIGHT PLACE?

Pause and consider: How are you feeling? Do you have time? What and where is best way to engage?

Conversation openers and guidance in my newsletter Starting a mental health conversation, the key is to be authentic to your relationship.

ENGAGE & LISTEN

'Listening to understand not to reply', with a non-judgmental, open mindset is the biggest gift you can give someone in distress

Thanks for the inspiration Steven Covey! And Check out my newsletter Why your listening role matters and treat yourself to the iconic Empathy v sympathy video, a re-learning treat every time I watch!

NEXT STEPS & signposting

Appropriate next steps could be linking in to urgent, or less urgent support, exploring coping and wellbeing strategies, or perhaps a listening ear is enough

I must explore this topic in a future newsletter and there's a daft Mum example I share in workshops about how not to signpost! The key is to be realistic and respectful about where someone is and don't overwhelm them. Use helpful phrases like 'What kinds of things usually help you cope?' ' Would you like me to help you explore some options?'

As part of this step and the next one on Safety, it's important to consider how you'll check back in with someone.

What if someone doesn't want support?

Aside from immediate safety issues (see KEEPING SAFE below), we can't force someone to seek support or stop unhelpful coping behaviours. Keep in mind...

Our judgement won’t build trust, but our patience, empathy, kindness and compassion will. That could be the seed that encourages them to explore support now or in the future

Resources galore

Too many to highlight here so check out my edition dedicated to Support and where to find it - there's no one size fits all.

When I'm delivering talks and training and in everyday conversation, I encourage everyone:

- to download the Hub of hope app, a fab UK search directory for local support

- have Samaritans number 116123 handy as a crisis helpline phone contact

- know how to search Worldwide crisis support lines Befrienders Worldwide

- to check out the MIND A-Z section as a 'go to' for trusted info

KEEPING SAFE

Understanding your role and responsibilities and when to get immediate help with a crisis is key. Prioritising your own boundaries supports?both of you

Obviously a huge topic worthy of more time, particularly if you're concerned someone is having thoughts of suicide. The Samaritans If you're worried about someone else has a wealth of guidance.

Here's a summary of best practice:

Confidentiality can raise tricky issues, I share best practice in my Confidentiality - drawing the line edition too.

Key message - be human

I realise I might have sent you down all kinds of rabbit holes and illustrated the complexity not just the simplicity!! So let's end with a quote and a powerful one minute video to remember it's not about being technically perfect, more about being human ??

People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did but people will never forget how you made them feel? Maya Angelou

A one-minute message:

And when all is said and done, the ultimate responsibility…

…is to look after our own mental health

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