Hope & Lies I've Been Told

I’ve always felt like I have a higher purpose in this life. I used to think that when we die, we live in another reality. So, we never know if we actually die, we just brace for it. This attitude didn’t make me work harder in life it led me to not try hard at things I wanted because I always thought I could get them in the next life. This was the way I was living my life – not knowing right from wrong or front from back I was in the early dark stages of not knowing, only living. 

I’ve always had questions to things I never understood. I was so afraid to ask these questions because I knew no one WANTED to talk about the things we really NEEDED to talk about. My mentality became a cave to hold my fears of other people’s opinions and thoughts. So, I didn’t talk much. I figured silence was the answer. I was wrong. I needed to speak up for myself. 

I held in those fears, and they were a burden that I couldn’t hold. I went looking for healing in the wrong place from people in my family that instead of helping made it worse. 

So, my curiosity in fixing my life led me to analyze every thought and every idea to the smallest molecule. I didn’t believe in anything. I was the negative person trying my hardest to disprove of something that was irrefutable. I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror, so I decided to change. 

The hardest thing for me was just letting go of fear, envy, regret and just letting faith do the driving while I sat back and enjoyed the ride. I tried to control things I had no control over. That was the thing I needed to change. 

For someone who has been anxious and depressed I felt like the only way to make sure things went right was to worry about them. However, it only made it worse. All these emotions were taking a toll on me, my family, my love life, and more importantly my career. 

The only reason It took me forever to speak up is because I thought I was alone. I was scared of what was going to happen and not knowing if I could handle it. 

When I was growing up, I had very mixed feelings about everything back then including church. Every Sunday we would get dressed up, listened to Gospel music, had a home cooked meal and then went on with our lives.  

I always saw my mom the saint on Sunday and a different person the next day. So, I didn’t see any reason to be Christian. I had no respect for them. 

Because I became rebellious I got in lots of fights in school when I got picked on, I watched lots of pornography, I started having sex, experimented with drugs, went to strip clubs, partied until I blacked out every other night and became angry at the world. 

In 2018 I moved to Los Angeles for a fresh start. I’ve always dreamed of living there so I went for it. I left the girls I was sleeping with and the partying behind just so I could jumpstart my career. I ended up working for a direct marketing company that sold internet door to door.

I never expected this, but I became great at it and was happy with what I was learning. When I first started once in a while, I had people talk to me about Jesus and asking if they could give me their testimony of how they found Christ. I had no interest and turned that down. After that first time for the next 2 years once a week people I talked would ask, “Have you found Christ?” “Let me tell you about Jesus.” This only intensified the more times I said no.  

A few months later I get moved to Dallas, TX for the same job. My first day working in Dallas is a rainy cold day, way different from sunny side so cal. I knock on a door and this is where I meet John, Monica and their kids. They were a cool bunch. In conversation John very graciously asks me if I have found Christ. He doesn’t sell me on it he just tells me about his experience, and I related with him so much. He then tells me what it’s done for him – He didn’t have to say much because I was looking right at in his home with his beautiful family.  John had the faith I was seeking. And he gave me the answers I was seeking. 

Ever since that day I’ve been reading the word because it brings me peace and understanding. I do bible study to understand what I don’t know because I want to believe fully. I never had my dad growing up but now I know that’s not true. God has always been with me. He’s getting me ready to rule his kingdom and give me the blessings he promised us all. 

Today, I am the positive person in the group, not the negative one. People feel my holiness and my spirit flows with joy, peace, gratitude and thanks. I am the light in the darkness and people love being around people like that. I have faith in God, NOT other people’s opinions or thoughts. 

I understand my mission and I feel like my heart is whole. When no one spoke up for me God did. He taught me to be a better man, leader, brother, son and person for all mankind. He inspires me to inspire others. Understanding scripture is not only a life necessity but it’s something that answers all the questions you ask but don’t know the answers to. 

I discovered my passion and I now have the courage and bravery to chase it thanks be to God. 

We aren’t meant to live alone. It’s okay to feel the way we feel because there is hope. 

Peace!