Hope Beyond Cancer

30 October 2019

By Sharon Orapeleng, Psyched Solutions

October is breast cancer awareness month. This message is coming to you towards the end of the month of October, you may think its perhaps a bit late, however it is never too late to talk about breast cancer and its devastating impact on individuals, families and communities.

Three months ago I lost my mother Betty from metastatic breast cancer. Although I have experienced loss before – this one was like no other. The death of my mother from a devastating long-term illness has truly shaken the ground I stand on. The pain of loss is indescribable, so as I try to find my footing again, I thought sharing this with you will perhaps help unravel the jumbled thoughts and emotions that persists as I try to adjust to the new normal.

My mother Betty Kegomoditse Sametsi (BKS) Orapeleng was diagnosed with breast cancer in October 2010. The last 9 years she has battled this monster disease which led to her untimely death at the age of 62 in June 2019.

The grieving process began the day mom was diagnosed with cancer, so for 9 years there has been a foreboding sense of anxiety – of potential grief and the loss of her life journey - through this cancer. However, her death has truly and surely amplified this feeling of grief. It is often hard to describe how and what I am feeling as it changes from day to day. As the first-born child of my mother, she became almost an extension of me – I do not know life without her in it.

Recently I went to work wearing mum’s skirt, a beautiful traditional tswana skirt that I found from a pile of her clothes after the funeral. As I walked through the foyer of my work - a colleague stopped me to tell me how beautiful my skirt was – she wanted to know where I bought it, and right there in the middle of the foyer near the lifts I found myself having to say “my mother died, and I have inherited this skirt” . As soon as I said those words I could feel the tsunami of emotional distress coming and there was no stopping it. I rushed to the nearest bathroom, closed the door and curled up in the floor and let the grief take over. I do not know how long I was there for. But I know that when it was over I washed my face, put on my make up and went straight back to my work desk as if nothing happened. No one noticed anything – life went back to normal (or so it seemed).

Navigating grief is as complex as navigating life with the experience of mental illness. The society expect us to be ok - to look ok, but the fact is sometimes I am not OK. And that’s OK. The rug of life has been pulled from underneath me, the emotional comfort I have felt throughout my life with mum is no longer there. Yes I feel vulnerable! Sometimes scared, alone, overwhelmed as I simply do not know how to do life without my mother.

Nothing prepares you to the pain of loss. Having suffered anxiety at times in my life – I know very well the physical manifestation of emotional pain. Grief has been like the anxiety experience - a constant feeling of loss gnawing away which sometimes feels like an experience of a full-blown panic attack.

When does grief becomes too much?

It is important to continue the recognition that grief is a normal response to a human experience with death. We all grieve differently and there is no timeframe for grief. However, over time the intense emotional and physical response of grief should and surely will subside. It may not seem like it sometimes but one day you get to a point when you are able to fondly remember your loved one without the overwhelming feeling of loss and tears associated with the memory.

If in time, the intense feelings of grief do not subside, it may be a sign that things are not going well, and you may need to seek professional help. Like any emotional response to a negative event in your life when it starts to impact of your daily life then there is a problem. Signs and symptoms of concern may look like this:

• withdrawal from social and family connections including with family, friends, community etc
• disengagements from hobby, work or study
• constant feeling of sadness that does not go away,
• persistent anger about the loss
• sleep disturbances (sleeping too much or not much sleep)
• finding no meaning of life
• lack of selfcare
• alcohol or other drugs dependency
• talk of suicide or other suicidal thoughts and behaviours
• worsening of a pre-existing mental health issue (anxiety, depression etc)

This extreme form of grieving is called complicated grief or prolonged grief disorder. Most mental health experts agree that six months of unrelenting grief (outside of any pre-existing mental health issue) is enough to cause concern and to encourage professional help. However, this does not mean that you wait for six months before seeking professional help. If any of these signs and symptoms concern you, please encourage professional help at any time.

There are also many things that can assist you create a new normal when death of a loved one has occurred.

My mother BKS often talked about “hope beyond cancer”. She didn’t want cancer nor her experience with the disease to be focal point of our interaction and/or existence. Mum did not survive cancer, but she lived through cancer; she thrived through cancer. Only when she was ready to go, she did.

Her life was truly an inspiration - her life lessons too many to mention. That over 1000 people attended her funeral service was a testament of her life lived, connections made and the touching of countless. She gave us hope and inspiration; that said any stumble in life propels us to greater things. She may only be with me now in spirit and not the physical realm but it is this inspiration that I tap into to help me navigate this new normal.

Few tips that may help you through grieving the loss of a loved one!

Own your feelings

There are days and moments when I do not feel OK and its OK. By noticing how I feel helps me pay attention to my own thoughts and their impact.

Being authentic about your feelings will help you identify strategies to improve your mood and most importantly it will allow others to identify when you need support. Next time if you are not feeling OK – say it? Tell someone how you really feel. You will be amazed about the weight that gets lifted off your shoulders when you ‘own’ your feelings.

Take care of yourself

Grief can feel physically heavy and can take away the joy of living. I have started to prioritise both my physical wellness and mental wellness. I am reconnecting with the things that makes me feel good. Things such as listening to music (yes, I am that girl who blast music in the car), waking up early to watch the sunrise, spending time with my family, walking my dogs etc.

Running a small business, working full time, being mum, wife, community leader/advocate sometimes I find that there is little time for me. Therefore, I make it purposeful to create that time to just be in the moment.

I have also started keeping a gratitude journal, and this helps me focus my thoughts on what I have rather than what I have lost.

Connect to your cultural strengths and/or your religion/spirituality

Within many of the traditional African cultures, life does not end with death, but rather it transitions into a separate realm. Although death itself is unwanted even feared and sometimes seen not a natural occurrence (results of spirits, curse or other demonic interference), when it does occur there is often a belief of the after-life, the existence of a spiritual realm which you connect to if you want to speak with the person who has transitioned.

Many religion and spiritual practices also believe in life after death. This can often bring peace to the bereaved so that although a loved one is not physically here – they are still spiritually here. These practices are seen to be able to shorten the feelings of grief.

Connecting to my cultural strengths and my faith is helping me find meaning beyond this experience of loss.

Celebrating the life that was

Honouring my mother’s legacy is a commitment that I have made to myself. One day I will be able to tell her story, in her own words. Mum kept diaries of words that encouraged her throughout her journey with cancer. Her unwavering faith evident in each of her diary entries. It will be an honour to use these words to inspire others, so I will hopefully one day put it in a book. I have promised her that one day I will write a book about her and it is a promise I will try to fulfil. In the meantime I celebrate my mother by speaking of her, sharing her resilience, living a faithful and resilient life. Her words of encouragements sustaining me and nourishing me.

I will be planting a tree at my house in honour of mum, this is about creating a space of remembrance at my home and nurturing her memory. A tree is a symbol of life and hope.

I will also continue the work of mum in our community in Botswana – revitalising the Semphete Care Centre (in Good Hope, Botswana) which supports the social and emotional wellbeing of vulnerable young kids and out of school youth. In the coming months we will be launching a foundation to help the work and activities of Semphete Care Center.

There are many things that each of us can do to celebrate the life of our dear one who have passed. This helps focus the grief into doing something purposeful and meaningful – something that grief often steals from us.

Love, Live, Smile, laugh

Death of a loved one often robs us from feeling alive again. Connecting with family and friends and allowing yourself to feel their love, their comfort, when they call to say RUOK? When they drag you out of the house so you can do something fun again. Its ok to give yourself permission to love, to live, to smile, and to laugh again.

Yes you will find reasons to smile again. I am beginning to do just that, and it feels good. I know that is what mom would want that, most importantly am doing that for myself!

In 2015 - my mother Betty agreed to guest blog for me about her journey through cancer. You can read her blog here simply titled: The Survival Spirit - I am a Breast Cancer Survivor

Breast cancer is the top cancer in women worldwide and is increasing. In Australia on average, 37 females receive a diagnosis of invasive breast breast cancer everyday. It is important to know more about our breast health for both men and women, understand risk factors and preventative measures, screening and early diagnosis processes, as well as availability and access to appropriate treatment.

Find out more information about breast cancer in Australia here

Hear more from my mother Betty from here

If you or someone you know need support-please call the following helplines or visit your local GP.

Breast Cancer Network Australia 1800 500 258

Breast Screen Queensland 13 20 50

Lifeline Australia 13 11 14

Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467

Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800

MensLine Australia 1300 78 99 78