The Misuse of Restraining Orders

Restraining orders, are they a shield to protect victims or are they weapon used to emotionally, socially and financially destroy the other parent?

Children are left emotionally suffering in silence, not being able to see a parent they love.

Restraining orders (RO’s) and Apprehended Violence Orders (AVO’s) are not being used for their intended purpose. Police and courts issue restraining orders to protect victims, not so those orders can be used as a tactic to gain the upper hand in a divorce or a child custody matter along with the financial rewards they bring. Many parents are playing the victim where they are in fact the perpetrator.

Here are some of the many reasons why parents are taking out RO’s/AVO’s:

• To gain an advantage in a divorce;
• To quickly put a parent out of the house without eviction or a court mention hearing;
• To get vengeance;
• To control or manipulate a parent, or get leverage in some way;
• To put a parent in jail;
• To emotionally and psychologically damage the other parent;
• To get financial support or compensation from social services or a victim’s compensation groups;
• To misrepresent a parent as being dangerous to officials and or the children;
• To give the applicant a chance to relocate far away without the other parent's consent;
• To put the accused under financial pressure and place them in a situation where they will potentially be homeless and be unable to have the children;
• To buy them time to manipulate, brainwash and coach the children;
• To isolate a parent from their child, including extended family;
• To quickly get custody of the children without a hearing;
• To stop a parent from modifying custody after the child expresses a desire to live with them;
• To gain 100% custody for child support purposes;
• To give them a reason to tell the children that the other parent is so dangerous that they had to get a restraining order to protect themselves;
• To gain benefits from victim support services like a new phone, change locks free of charge;
• Socially isolate someone;
• To give the applicant justification to badmouth the other parent all over town. To make them look like the child’s protector and saviour and the best parent, which supports their image of "Parent of the Year";
• To keep everything in the house once the other parent is removed;
• To allow the complainant to get a new boy/girlfriend into the picture, and the other parent out.

Domestic Violence/Restraining Orders have severe consequences for the alleged offender, and also for the relationship between the alleged offender and his or her children since the order would likely put a strain on the parent-child relationship. A restraining order is something no one should consider obtaining without a serious, valid threat to his or her physical safety.

?"The loss of a child is devastating. Alienated parents experience a complex grief for the loss of their child who is still alive. This loss is compounded by being denigrated and vilified as part of the alienation process. Alienated parents experience despair, helplessness, frustration, anger and confusion. Many alienated parents experience significant financial and emotional costs associated with trying to find a resolution in a legal system and mental health services that do not understand parental alienation." ~ Eeny Meeny Miney Mo Foundation

Some divorce lawyers are routinely and unethically advising their clients to take out an AVO/RO as well as move interstate – dirty tactics coupled with Family Court proceedings.

When an AVO/RO is placed on a parent there is nowhere to go for free legal help or advice if you are falsely accused as the perpetrator. You cannot obtain legal aid to represent yourself and no free legal advice given to you will encourage you to defend it.

The alleged abuser is put into an emotional pressure cooker; some would say it fits the definition of torture. It grinds people down to where they are exhausted, feel helpless, their thoughts become clouded and they have nowhere to turn. It appears whoever gets in first wins while the other parent spends most of their life defending themselves.

An alleged abuser will then live a life under the magnifying glass. I am seeing many parents are being diagnosed with PTSD, complex grief and depression as a result of these tactics being used as a tool to erase them out of their child’s life. Hearings are taking at least six months to be heard, so this buys the applicant time to manipulate the children and gain financially.

These cases become so complex because the person taking out the RO goes far and wide to spread their story and keeps it alive. Where genuine victims of violence I have met throughout my life do not behave this way. They feel ashamed, struggle to talk about the abuse and have very low self-esteem. In some cases, it is so obvious yet those working in this field fail to see the telltale signs of a false allegation.

Many mums and dads are being forced to accept the RO "without admissions", even though they have done nothing wrong. If the order is issued hundreds of kilometres away from the target then this involves a cost in time and money to attend court to defend the charges. Some of the parents in our support group can barely make ends meet because of the psychological impact, the legal costs and the financial abuse that goes hand in hand with the abuse of RO's and parental alienating behaviours .

The alleged abuser's ability to hold a certain type of employment or secure new employment, especially jobs for the government where they are required to hold a firearms licence or jobs that involve working with children.

In parental alienation cases, most parents accused of abuse are never formally charged, tried or convicted, because there is little to no evidence to support the allegations made against them, events that most likely never happened (Lorandos et al., 2013). An accused party is never found “innocent”, the best you can hope for is that the charges are “unsubstantiated”. There is no recourse against a false allegation and defamation proceedings are expensive and difficult to win.

While a restraining order is in place parents can be withheld from children’s lives. Children miss out on seeing their parent on their birthday, school holidays and on Father’s Day or Mother’s Day. Special events like graduation, sports carnivals, award nights or times when the child just wants to spend time with their parent, the child miss out.

There are already too many children growing up without a parent in their life. By allowing a parent to misuse restraining orders and create opportunities to manipulate the children we are creating serious and long-lasting psychological and emotional problems for these children.

“Targeted children grapple with a nuanced form of grief for a living parent, a loss manipulated through emotional tactics. This emotionally induced loss leads to psychological complexities, contributing to difficulties associated with trauma and abuse. This form of abuse inflicts emotional distress on children, manifesting in enduring consequences such as social isolation, a fragile sense of self, heightened anger, depression and anxiety. Understanding these implications underscores the urgency of addressing these abusive behaviours and intervening to safeguard the mental and emotional well-being of affected children.“ ~ Eeny Meeny Miney Mo Foundation

With these types of cases, you don't have to prove anything. In a lot of cases, an allegation is as good as a conviction as there is a presumption of guilt, particularly against men accused of domestic violence. The police and courts hold the view that the right to protection outweighs the right to a fair process.

This is not what these orders were meant for! Reform is urgently needed to stop this abuse of processes designed to protect genuine victims of domestic violence, not to facilitate parental alienation of children from loving parents.

Reference:

Lorandos, D., Bernet, W., & Sauber, S. R. (Eds.). (2013). Parental alienation: The handbook for mental health and legal professionals. Springfield, IL: Charles C. Thomas.

You can follow on Facebook: Amanda Sillars or our organisation Eeny Meeny Miney Mo Foundation and Parental Alienation Australia community page.

Parental Alienation Awareness Day in Australia is 12th October, make sure you mark this day in your calendar. Thank you for reading.