Honoring a loved one or just a safe space to be vulnerable?

Some thoughts on collective grief.

As we prepare to celebrate the life of my dear Mother-in-Law, I’m full of all of the expected emotions. I’m deeply sad that she’s no longer with us. I’m anxious about being strong enough to support my kids and husband. I’m at peace with the relationship we had and knowing that she knew what she meant to me.

And I am also curious. Curious about this whole process.

I suppose it’s because this is the first loss where I’ve had little people asking me a lot of questions. Some answers come easily, “What do you do at a memorial?” Others, not so much, “What does it mean to be cremated?”

Aside from any religious aspects of memorializing someone, why do we do it? Why not just be alone with our memories and feelings, or simply share them with the family in our home? Why the public display of emotion?

My theory is there is a collective understanding that it’s ok to be emotional at this time and we’re starved for that understanding. If you go to a designated location, at a certain time, it’s ok to be vulnerable. In fact, if you’re that person who isn’t emotional, an eyebrow or two might be raised.

It’s an impossible game and a symptom of how much work we have to do to normalize vulnerability. Why? Because I’m sure I’m not the only one who can finish the sentence, “That funeral was the first time I saw ____ cry.”

When we relegate outward displays of emotions to times that society has said are “ok”, we miss out on the day to day magic of knowing, supporting and loving each other. I don’t want to just support my dad crying at a funeral, I want to support my dad when he’s feeling down on a random Tuesday.

Yes, I wrote the children’s book, “It’s OK to Cry” to address this very topic. Growing up an emotional kid, I was told more than once (or a thousand times) to “stop being a cry baby.” Yet, it’s not just about tears.

Being our messy, imperfect, authentic selves helps create a space where others feel safe to be themselves, too. Your vulnerability can be a gift to others. How badass is that? - Brittin Oakman

It’s about a safe space to explore all of our emotions. Since most of us can only name 3-5, I look to Brene Brown’s List of Emotions from her book, Atlas of the Heart to dig a little deeper.

• Who couldn’t use a space to express exhilaration?
• Who wouldn’t love to indulge more in the feeling of wonder?
• Who craves a safe space to process rage?
• Who just wants to be held when they’re sad on a Tuesday?

I envision a world where we don’t have to wait for a loved one to pass to get together and explore our hardest, deepest feelings. Where we focus on learning how to be empathetic as much as we focus on learning how to use AI. (Way more, who am I kidding?)

For now, I’ll go gather with my loved ones to mourn, celebrate and honor a remarkable woman. Because of who she was, I will laugh and cry with equal measure and both will be ok.