Honoring Injustice

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September 12, 2016Lisa Tieglman-Koepp

We all have it handed to us at times…Injustice! Perceived or real, it’s delivered in many ways, forms, circumstances and situations. Most of us know the rules…dealing with the blows the Universe assigns us needs to be done in accordance with abiding laws of society and guided by strong ethics, and we learn to deal with this reality over time. It’s human nature to want to defend, protect, and right the wrong. Living in a civilized society requires us to resist the natural temptation to wound back, to resist the initial and natural temptation to seek justice. Sometimes the disappointments in life become the hidden appointments of love. And we wait until that revelation occurs! And like the great Theologian Kierkegaard once said, “Life can only be understood backwards.”  

However, when injustice is served to my kids, there’s an added amount of pressure to tame the natural instinct to revenge. The flip side of this struggle can be summarized by the famous Jean Piaget…”Childhood has it’s own way of seeing, thinking and feeling. And nothing is more foolish than to substitute ours for theirs.” The bottom line…kids deserve their own experiences, without the intrusion of our own stuff, as it pertains to our shared childhood or life injustices. When I studied counseling under the direction of the brilliant Dr. Kenneth Morrison at UW Oshkosh, he would use baseball analogy to describe concepts of power, control, and basic life in general. Fortunately for me, this was not new language. I grew up on baseball, so I could identify with where he was going when he’d ask, “Who’s in your bullpen? What’s the slump all about?”

I’m in a slump, alright! For being a generally positive, bright-side-lookin’ individual, it is unusual for me to be in a slump for too long. However, there are enough reminders and triggers available in the day to keep the drama alive in my head. Sadly, I have yet to meet one parent who doesn’t have a story rooted in frustration and disappointment with organized sports, a referee or umpire, a coach or a child’s athletic career (and by the way, it’s not a career!). We’ve become so “specialized” in our focus, hungry for winning, where perfecting skills and abilities become the major task instead of developing athletes and people. This “early initiation” into the rigors of adult competition and the de-emphasis on fun and play has serious consequences. However, it doesn’t appear that others are listening. And damn it…I want to be heard on this topic.

One of my daughters committed four years of her high school to Fastpitch Softball, only to be benched the last game of her senior season. Call it ‘strategy’ to replace the lead pitcher to throw off the other team, but don’t throw my daughter a bone and place her in right field for an inning and call it real playing time. She deserved greater respect than that. This kid was voted MVP and won an honorable mention for her hitting her junior year. She stepped up to the pitching mound with integrity and character at every game, even when those behind her didn’t have her back. She kept the other seniors ‘in line’ when the coach asked her, and gave her blood, sweat and tears to her teammates, her coaches and the game. Each and every time! Unfortunately, loyalty didn’t flow both ways for her. She deserved to truly play in that final game!

Another one of my daughters was recently denied the opportunity to play varsity volleyball this year. The head coach wanted to ‘strategise’ for the future of the program. So, she brought up five freshmen players and decided not to take players from the JV team…not one! My kid spent her summer conditioning, weight lifting, practicing with, and fund-raising for this team. Previous to that, she played on the JV team her first two years of high school, was nominated as the ‘most spirited’ player two years in a row, and was notorious for her energy, on and off the court. She had plenty of talent, was definitely committed to the sport and known as a spark-plug of a player. Most important, she had all of the makings of the kind of player coaches love to coach. She has sportsmanship, integrity, leadership skills, love of the game, respect for authority, and so much more! This feedback has been continuous since she began playing sports at eight years of age. At over three dozen calls thus far from parents, coaches, and referees expressing their shock and disbelief that she’s not on the varsity team, the injustice becomes solidified for me. She deserved her spot on that team!

These stories go on and on. I realize by posting this that I risk sounding like a bitter and jaded parent. No need to speculate, because I’ll be the first one to admit that this has been me for the past few weeks. It’s hard not to recycle my own stuff in moments like these. However, I don’t have to look far for examples on how best to deal with this sense of injustice. I find them in my daughters, the ones who’ve been wronged, who still choose to do right! They’ve become better, not bitter. My eldest is so good at staying grounded, making choices about what gets her attention, and in moving on. This is her advice…”Mom, let it go!” My other daughter, on the day she was cut from the team and after she had time to compose herself, had decided that the way to feel better was to go someplace where she could make a difference, where she was needed and wanted. So, she collected the little money that she had and purchased some canned goods at Aldis. Then she drove to our local food pantry to donate those and picked up an application to volunteer. She also took a job as a nanny, and of course, they love her. Despite the sting, they both have moved on, in their own timing and ways, letting go and trusting that these disappointments have brought them gifts. Those gifts have become the hidden appointments of love…powerful life lessons on how to transcend and rise above!

I’ll get there eventually. If I pride myself on anything, it is the level of integrity I seek in all situations. Do I succeed every time? Absolutely not! Have I failed at this? Absolutely and unequivocally, Yes! Am I committed to studying where I’ve gone wrong or mishandled situations? I absolutely am!It is in these circumstances that I turn to one of my favorite Buddhist sayings. “When unsure of the path, do nothing…and let the path unfold!” My friends, that’s where I am. I’m hunkered down where the path divides, allowing my feelings, honoring the process, and trusting the timing of the revelation of the “next step”. Those are fancy ways of saying, “shut up, stay put, do nothing!”. In short, I am working this through, cultivating patience as a daily practice with one hell of a context to get it right this time.

In my office, taped to my desk is a beautiful affirmation. It feels fitting to share.

“Today, may you come to acceptance. What is, is. May you find blessed relief in seeing – without judging, being – without having to become, knowing – without needing to change a thing. Then, should you be healed, it will be a gracious, unexpected surprise. May you soon arrive at perfect acceptance.”

Namaste’, dear friends!

Namaste’