In Honor of Pride Month: Three Things I Learned From My Queer Daughter

Aryana uses they/she pronouns interchangeably, which I've used with her approval.

Four years ago, my wife called me while I was on a business trip and told me that our daughter, Aryana (pronouns they/she), had just told her that she was gay. As soon as we hung up the phone, I immediately called my daughter. I told her that I didn’t care who she loved and that I would always love and support her no matter what.?

I've stood by those words as Aryana has forged her path as a young queer woman in the world. I’ve strived to support, love, and stand by her as she's navigated the many challenges she has faced. And even though they now live on the other side of the country and I miss her, I couldn't be more proud of the independent woman that she’s become.?

Aryana’s journey has been a learning journey for me. I’ve learned so much from her, about both the challenges they and other LGBTQ+ people face, and what it really means to support and advocate for LGBTQ+ people in today’s world. Being on this journey with them has helped make me a better person and a better leader.

In honor of Pride Month, I want to share three of the most important things I’ve learned from my daughter:?

• I’ve learned it’s really hard. Even if you have a supportive, loving family and a great group of friends, society still puts incredible pressure on people to conform. I didn’t realize the extent of this until I saw up close how many messages and signals my daughter continuously receives that who she is, is wrong. I’ve had a front row seat to her experiences and it’s opened my eyes. I now have so much more respect and empathy for what LGBTQ+ people experience living in a world where they are still seen as different and often less accepted.
• I’ve learned to ask questions. One of the most important lessons for me is realizing how much I don’t know. And the only way to grow and fill in those gaps is by being vulnerable, leading with honest curiosity, and asking questions. Aryana tells me it’s easy to know if someone is asking questions in good faith or not, and who truly wants to know more. In our case, my daughter has patiently answered as I’ve asked her questions, like how to use pronouns and why they matter. Listening and learning are so important. It can make all the difference.???
• I’ve learned that talk is not enough. It’s one thing to say you are supportive, but we need to put actions behind our words. Making small, significant acts can have a massive impact on the people we care about. Taking action helps us go from just being an ally to being an advocate. A few months back, Aryana and I spoke together at Intuit’s 4th annual Trans+ Summit, where we shared our journey with attendees. It’s important to me that I’m not just supporting her and the community behind the scenes, but that I’m leading from the front, sharing my learnings as I strive to be an advocate for them. We all have a role to play and we all can make a difference. But we must be willing to stand behind our words with actions both big and small.

What I’ve learned from Aryana has also impacted the way I lead at Intuit. I’ve added my pronouns to all my profiles for when I communicate with employees. I’ve become not just a proud supporter of the Trans+ Summit that we’ve hosted at Intuit the last four years, but an active participant. Most importantly, I now have a deeper empathy for the challenges that the LGBTQ+ community faces. Everyone has an invisible emotional suitcase they carry with them. Through Aryana, I have a better understanding of what members of the LGBTQ+ community carry with them.?

Love leads to learning. When we love someone, we learn and grow from them. It makes us bigger than ourselves. And all that my daughter has taught me makes me optimistic about the future. I know that sometimes it may not feel hopeful when we read the news, but I believe that every day we’re making progress toward a better and more inclusive tomorrow. I hope with all my heart that the future will be an accepting one for my daughter and others who identify as LGBTQ+.