In Honor of my Mother on Mother's Day 1942-2022

One more Hour, Just stay for one more hour, my dad said to me and one of my oldest friends in the worlds, while visiting my mother the night prior to her passing.  That night we were ready to just visit for a short period of time. My father in his infinite wisdom said stay, mom likes when you just sit and talk.  So that is exactly what we did and it was one of the most beautiful, peaceful nights I have ever had.  During our conversations of growing up together we talked about my mom and just talked about growing up in Skokie.  Even though my mom could not talk, she smiled a bit and at that point I believe she knew everything was going to be ok and she could let go.

It is my belief that the greatest testament to a persons life is, what one has learned from them through good times and not so good times.  This is just that, and I would like to share through my eyes what I saw and learned from the most amazing angel Barbara Bilow.

Starting with the current and her last month;

What I have learned from having to help make a decision to put Mom in hospice care.

End of life is never easy. We all will experience at some point, however during end of life Dementia, it is more of a journey. When the Dr.'s told my father and me that there was no other treatments they could provide, the first statement my dad shared was what else can we do. So, Dr.'s being Dr.'s they suggested ideas for treatment that would only last for a day or two and are not quality of life sustaining. This is where hope tends to come in, on my fathers part. Given hope, the most difficult challenge was having my dad come to the conclusion that at home Hospice was the way.

I experienced that great concept of setting aside emotion and making decisions on the facts and what the Dr.'s were telling, were indeed facts. This was one of the most difficult things I had to do, however I was prepared. I  Can tell you that the clarity in making decision over life matters, it is an exhausting experience. 

1. Just the facts - truly understand the facts and make decisions based on fact.
2. Take emotion out of the equation. Be brave, because emotions only distort the facts.
3. Decisions need to be made, sometimes very difficult, however we all need to make them. Take it all in and make a decision.

Death teaches us a lot about life.

My mom, could light up a room with her smile and energy.  Everywhere she went she would say Hi to everyone and anyone that she glanced at.  Her personality was very outgoing and calming at the same time.  We would never go on a vacation without my mother at least making a handful of friends:

1.  She taught me the value of presence and connecting with people.

Mom, would come home after nights out with my father and prior to taking off her coat, she would come into my room and give me a hug and a kiss no matter what time it was.

1. Mom taught me the importance of a kiss goodnight and the importance of touch.

When things were going wrong or I needed advice, she would say Its ok, 

1. Just those simple words taught me how not to worry so much and it turns out that things always were ok.

Compassion, mom was the most compassionate soul, she would for hours sit there and listen, and connect, this was extremely calming when things got slightly out of control.

1. I breath compassion in my life and through my moms lessons, I have helped others through tough times when they needed someone just to listen.

It is always a good time to dance.  Mom loved to dance with my father.  We would go dancing and at all social events they were twirling around on the dancefloor.

1. What I learned from this is a good dance session can always make you happy.

My mom had Bi-Polar and later in life she had Dementia.  Having Bi-polar throughout one’s life is difficult.  This taught me many things about life:

1. Unconditional love, through all of the ups and downs my Father was always there to support, visit and help my mother.
2. Dedication we should be dedicated to the ones we love even if it might be tough at times.
3. Connect with people who are struggling with mental illness.  Mental Illness should never be a secret.  People are always in need of help.
4. If you are strong enough, you can tackle things head on if you just DO it.  My mom did just that.  She didn’t let the major things get in her way just took them head on.
5. Don’t only trust one Dr.  Go explore others opinion and learn about illnesses affecting ones you love so you are better equipped to help in the process.

I will end with this, My mother Barbara Bilow was and is a real life angel, who helped me throughout my life with some amazing lessons and cared about people more than herself.  Today is a sad day as we have lost, a kind, caring, warm, intelligent, loving human being.  

Don’t forget to take that one more Hour with someone as that could be the most critical time in your life and theirs.

I love you Mom