The Honeymoon is Over?

Buying a home is a huge investment. So is committing to another human. Getting rid either it if it’s a lemon is complicated. It’s important to do enough homework upfront so that there are minimal surprises.

Once worshipful over the beautiful place she’d purchased, even to the extent of putting in a full-priced offer without ever seeing inside it, the woman who bought my house continued with her list of complaints. “It has some quirks,” she says.

“So the honeymoon is over, huh?” I said with a wink. I was struck at how a new home is like any new relationship. It’s not quite like we envision it.  Ah, oh. S/He has some quirks.

Preparing my home for sale was a lot like going on a date—dressing her up pretty and putting a little makeup on. Cracks were filled, paint applied, yard trimmed and mowed, weeds pulled. Not a lot different than many of our pre-date rituals.

However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. – Virginia Satir

What if we applied the same criteria we use for home buying to choosing a relationship partner?

• Does it pass inspection? – How is the foundation? Does it have a solid structure/character?
• Has it been maintained? – Is it solid all the way through? Or does it just look good on the outside?
• Is the title free and clear? – Are there any entanglements or boundary violations?
• Are there flowers in the yard? Or is it full of weeds?
• And as for the buyer – does s/he have the resources not only to buy it, but also maintain it and make it better?

I talk with divorced people all the time. The stories vary somewhat but The Common Thread amongst them all is that they did not know their partner was capable of the thing that ultimately was the demise of the relationship. Knowing is key. Knowing before committing is imperative.

So what if you get yourself involved in a relationship and begin to notice “there are quirks”? You knew of course there would be. We humans are deep creatures. 

The question is can you live with the quirks that show up?

Jeannine

I have triple certifications as a life, relationship and grief recovery coach, with extensive training as a relationship systems coach, mediator and collaborative divorce facilitator. I know the heartache of leaving a life you love, and leaving a family without its container. I am divorced, just like you. My divorce came after 30 years of marriage. I was “in it” (the pain, turmoil, confusion, blame, guilt, etc) for a number of years, since it took us nearly 5 years to get divorced. (It was a big decision that I didn't take lightly.) One of the remarkable surprises, and one that I totally did not expect, was who I became through the process. Pain changes us. It makes us kinder and gentler and more aware. I became all those things. I love the person I have become, and you can love the new you, too. I can help with that. I fully believe in your ability to get through and get better. You can lean on my faith in you, and my faith in the process, until you find your own.

www.beyonddivorce.com