Honesty: a power a few can handle

?A friend of my wife went through a mess in her marriage. Her husband had a brief fling years ago, she never found out about. Years later, out of guilt, he confessed to his cheating. She felt devastated and betrayed. And in a way, had almost no way to deal with it. Now, when they should be enjoying these years, their marriage struggles. My wife and I were taking our evening walk and talking about this disaster. She said, “If something like that ever happened with you, sure as hell don’t tell me just to clear your conscience.”

I responded, “Well, ok. I’ll remember that if I ever do something that stupid. But just so you know I don’t plan to.” Thankfully, I’ve been stupid just never that stupid. Frankly, we’ve always had a very honest and open relationship. We talk, literally, about everything. But, as with everyone, there also have been some dark times. And sometimes it’s best to just shut the hell up. I’d say the best policy is to just not be stupid so you need to lie. Then make sure what you say really is out of love. You’ll be amazed by love you get in return.

I had a friend named Melanie who always described herself as “brutally honest.” She would say “your hair sucks” to my best friend when we were all talking in a group. Or “that was a lame-ass excuse” after I skipped out on her party. In both cases, the statement was objectively true. But announcing it around other people, in such a mean and accusatory way is a real asshole move. People who describe themselves as brutally honest tend to be dicks, trying to hide under the “honesty is the best policy” bullshit that works in the world of five year old. There are so many different times I can think of that lying is superior to telling the truth.

I got to watch my brother, I can’t hang out. Honesty is the best policy response: You’re an addict and a bad person. Your idea of “hanging out” is smoking crack. I don’t want to associate with you or be in any way like you. Sorry man, I don’t have any gum. Honesty is the best policy response: I bought this gum with my own money. I don’t like you enough to give you any. Go suit yourself. I’m fine. Honesty is the best policy response: I’m major-depressive and I want nothing more than to drag a safety pin across my wrist right now. Don't get me wrong, honesty is a lesson that is certainly good to teach. But like everything, it has its time in the spotlight, and its time to sit to the sidelines.

If a killer has a gun to my head and asks if I think he’s handsome, I’ll tell that son of a gun he makes Brad Pitt look like Shrek. If my boss asks how hard I’m working,I’m not near or far sighted. I’m relationship sighted. I only have the work dedicated to you, boss. The best policy is the one which causes the least amount of suffering. People always say things like “If you stand for nothing, you’ll fall for anything”, but that shit only works as a lame Instagram post. It’s hard to be noble six feet underground. I’ll say anything that keeps me alive, preserves my sanity and sustains my livelihood. In a way honesty can be the best policy, but only as a last resort.

Another story of a girl. I woke up late, and we had exactly 15 minutes to check out of the hotel that we are at. My husband was downstairs grabbing some breakfast, and asked me how long I will take. I said 10 minutes, and I went down in 10, after a quick shower. Thankfully I had packed the previous night. He is happy. I am happy. I was distracted because I was thinking of my weekend trip. I made a mistake in the presentation, and understandably my boss was unhappy. I honestly tell her that I am sorry, and give her a reason. She is still annoyed, but appreciates my honesty.

I win, she wins. My best friend wants to meet for lunch, and I get a sudden call. She is almost at the venue, and I am here stuck, taking the work call. She is impatient and asks me where I am. I tell her the truth. She is irritated but understands how work can get. We finally meet, and her anger has subsided because I told her the truth about where I am. Honesty is indeed the best policy. At least you don’t have to make up more lies to cover the first one, and the person involved eventually appreciates the fact that you were honest albeit after being annoyed for a while. Cheers!