Honestly Reflect on your Behaviors and the Motivations Behind Them: Article 3 in the Leading from Afar Series

Synopsis

In this week's article, the third in the Leading from Afar series, we explore why we can still run into obstacles making the transition from content to people leader. Even though you may have done all the right prerequisite actions like shifting your mindset appropriately, defining the professional benefits you'll reap with the change, and clearly outlining a measurable action plan with defined metrics, somehow you still find yourself struggling. Well there's a manageable reason. We will take a deeper look at the motivations that function as drivers of our behavior and learn how these behaviors may either serve us well toward realizing our goals, acting synergistically with our deepest passion and purpose, or work against goal attainment because the behaviors are not consistent with our core motivations - our truest interests, skills, and passion. If the chasm is too great between core motivations and goals, a reconsideration of defined goals may be warranted to keep one's purpose and passion alive and front-of-mind. Yet in many cases, a deeper analysis and consequent realignment of our behaviors will be sufficient. Doing so can unblock us and propel us once again forward toward our goals. As in all articles in the Leading from Afar series, observation and awareness remain the primary and necessary keys to success.  

The Link Between Motivations, Behaviors, and Goals: An Introduction

Hello from Gent, Belgium, where I'm finalizing this week's third Leading from Afar article. I don't believe I've mentioned that my stepson is going to college here in Gent. It is his first year at University and the primary reason we came to live in the Netherlands, to be to here as he acclimates. The Belgian higher educational system is a very different one than ours in the U.S.. For instance students have no means of gauging their performance until they take their one-and-only end of semester exam. Over half of the students fail their first year. No stress. 

I'm starting this week’s article talking about Mo for two reasons; first, it's fun to take what I learn from my travels and connect it to the topic of the week. Though I know I run a risk doing this, since I'm quite sure that my colleagues and supervisors at home will soon be wondering if I really work at all, it's seems like a worthwhile endeavor. Second, I bring Mo up because his current struggle is going to serve as a fitting example for this week’s lesson. Mo's situation is going to serve as a large-scale example of motivations and their link to behavior. Then I'll move to an example more granular and directly linked to this series and our goal of leading from afar. In both examples however, and in this article (like in all from the series) the emphasis logically remains on how incredibly core self-observation and awareness are to being an effective leader. This includes awareness of our own behavior as well as our behavior's impact on the behavior of others, and on our ability to listen to and correctly apply the knowledge gained through observation. Our behaviors can offer us huge cues as to whether we are working synergistically with or divergent from our deepest motivations. And if we take the time to identify and reflect on behaviors that are not in line with our motivations and hence unsuccessfully helping us accomplish our goals, we can course correct early on, avoiding much greater time and effort to "clean up the mess" later on. Call it "preventative resilience" if you will.

It's probably pretty obvious that we're diving a bit deeper and going a bit more psychodynamic this week. Even though behaviors can indeed be shaped by simple reinforcement, we are certainly more complex than rats in a cage...and even rats won’t keep pushing a bar to get a food pellet if they are not motivated by hunger to do so. So without further delay, let's take a look at our truest motivations, their relationship to our behaviors, and their huge impact on fulfillment of our goals as well as life satisfaction. We'll start with Mo's story.

Mo's Story: The Big Picture

Mo is my step-son and he's at a cross-roads. We're going to discuss his dilemma and apply it as a large-scale example of the linkages that exist between motivation, behaviors, and goals. You see, Mo's a smarty-pants and an outstanding performer and speaker. He easily graduated with honors from High School and delivered the closing High School graduation commencement speech, comfortable and at-ease as he led the packed auditorium through their tassel turn, honoring the event with a salutary ‘dab’ move. Though he was born in Belgium and has dual-citizenship, he has been raised in the States. He is a full-blown American. Mo’s always known he would return to Gent for University. You see his father and biological mother went here, it’s virtually free since Belgium pays for its student’s education, and it would bring Mo an outstanding global experience.

The problem is, Mo is not thriving here. He is experiencing dissonance between his purpose, interests, and what he holds closest - his motivations - and what he is attempting to accomplish - his current goals. They are not aligned and his behaviors reflect that they are not aligned. He wants to see it through because he is aware of all the benefits completing his education can bring him in his life and is offering him now. Most critical of all in relation to our discussion today, he perceives he is failing which Mo doesn’t accept too easily. And if he leaves and returns to the States to finish his studies, he believes it will be a complete admission of his failure and a nearly insurmountable sense of shame. His motivations for staying are noble indeed and unfortunately in Western society quite common. But in my humble opinion, they are misguided.

There is only one true failure, the betrayal of what is truestin ourselves.  Everything else is just opportunity to grow andstrengthen.

In my mind, there is only one true failure and that is the one that occurs when we continue to follow motivations that are not our own; when we turn our back on what really matters to us and instead consciously or unconsciously pursue superficial motivations and desires, ignoring all of the cues along the way that indicate we are on the wrong path. Out of fear, habit, laziness, ignorance, or whatever negative motivator, we continue to ignore the signs and make excuses for continuing our behavior along the wrong path. And who can honestly say they have never made this mistake? And maybe are even making that mistake right now? 

I promise you, that when we betray our truest passion and purpose, it is mirrored and reflected in our behaviors as well. It is actually a strange sort of gift when our behaviors give us away, when they don't serve our purposes well because they aren't honestly representing them. Discordant or self-destructive behaviors are actually acting like a big red flag, telling you something ain’t right here, that there’s a bit of subterfuge taking place. If we take the time to observe and listen, our behaviors can tell us we are not true to our deepest and most genuine motivations. We're not talking about new behaviors that need honing here. We're talking about the continuous demonstration of poorly demonstrated behaviors that clearly are not leading one to success and one's refusal to see it.

In contrast, our behaviors will always shine when they reflect our truest passion and purpose. If anyone reading this has doubts about the truth of this message, just reflect on the last time you did something that brought you immense pleasure with only positive, energizing feelings associated with it before, during, and after the event. When we experience sensations like losing track of time and intense focus, and feeling like this activity reflects “what I was meant to be doing”, there’s a good chance you are having a “flow” experience, so named by psychologist and researcher Csikszentmihalyi (1976). In fact, my Masters thesis empirically demonstrated a positive and significant correlation between this concept of flow and self-actualization.

But let's turn back to Mo and his story's relevance to the point of this article. Mo has two large-bucket options to manage his dilemma. The first and second options both hinge on Mo reflecting on what it is he truly cares and is passionate about and where he believes his purpose and greatest sense of satisfaction will and does come from. Once that scan is complete, he can then turn his attention to the best path forward. One, are the experiences he is having and the course of study he is currently studying in such great contrast to what he is all about, so against his truest motivations, that he is compelled to completely revise all? Or two, can he adjust his current expectations and course of action here at Gent University to better align with what he wants from his life and where he derives his greatest satisfaction? Regardless of which choices Mo will undoubtedly make, he will never fail if his decisions derive from a conscious reflection on, and then conscious link to, his truest sense of purpose, his deepest and most heart-felt motivations. And there is no doubt that Mo's behaviors will reflect this, in the enthusiasm, happiness, and ease like that he reflected up on that podium on graduation day.

“If we are aware, our behavior can serve as our compass, letting us know if we are moving true North or have lost our way.”

Shifting Gears and Going Granular

Now let’s shift gears a bit and explore the behavior-motivation link in closer relation to our topic at hand, effectively leading from afar. We want to apply the big picture concept of being true and aligned with our motivations as a life strategy at a more granular level, like when we try to transition from a content to a people leader and our fundamental motivations are forcing our behaviors to work contrary to our goal. This is frustrating for everybody, the developing leader herself and the individuals she is attempting to empower, so it warrants the same level of reflection and action on it that we discussed in relation to Mo's situation. Let's keep as our working paradigm, the knowledge that our behaviors can act as reflections of our deepest motivations. And from that place, let’s look at how we can assimilate new behaviors effectively and in line with our motivations when we were initially struggling with them and seeing them as working contrary to our deepest motivations. In the context of delegating and effectively letting go of work, I'll apply my own struggle as example.

Lisa's Story

I was having a great deal of trouble letting go of my projects. I understood the benefits of doing so, and believed I really wanted to do it. I developed a clear plan of action with metrics included. Beautiful. Unfortunately, my behavior was not cooperating.  I knew my new goal of becoming a leader of people called for stepping back and letting others move forward. Yet I kept stepping in and taking over, reverting back to my old behavior of showing how much more I knew than others. I was still needing to show everyone that I was the one in charge, the one who knew best. So what was going on here? I was frustrated, my colleagues were frustrated, and it just didn't feel right or good.

It finally dawned on me: If I wanted to succeed at being a better leader of people, I was going to have to reevaluate my deepest motivations, my drivers, and ensure that these were actually going to support my grand goal of being a people leader. I had to confirm for myself that what is most valuable to me and who I am fundamentally, aligned with the goal I was after, being a leader of people. Only then would my behaviors work as a solid bridge between the two. Until I was able to answer this question and think through my own motivations-behavior-goal link, I was going to continue sabotaging my efforts and making excuses for why I had to continue to take over the show.

"If we want to behave differently, we have to ensure our deepest motivations resonate with the desired new behavior. Identifying the benefits of the behavior change alone is not sufficient."

You may remember in article one, I shared some of my personal motivators: my purpose in life has always been focused on caring for others, making a difference, taking action, offering creative solutions, seeing and realizing potential (what can be), and ultimately driving meaningful change. I also enjoy being acknowledged for my contributions, standing out, having fun and ensuring others do the same, and bringing a positive and supportive attitude to life and work. Most of these line up very nicely with people leadership, so I felt no need to abandon my new goal of becoming a people leader. It seemed I held enough of the needed traits that I felt pretty confident I would only have to adjust how I was going to honor some of the less accommodating motivators to accomplish my goal.

Three significant culprits stood out in my motivations list as challenges to my success: The need to stand out, be acknowledged, and desire to actively drive change. I subconsciously allowed these three motivators to work in cahoots against me, and sure enough my behavior reflected it. The influence these three personal motivators had on my behavior was pretty significant. For example, more often than not, I would take over control of meetings, step in and drive planning because action wasn't happening fast enough (in my opinion), and even grand-stand to the point at times where no one else was speaking anymore. It wasn't productive, and even destructive to my credibility as well as my peer's success. I was failing and my behaviors were telling me just that. So I did what I needed to do to succeed; I created a different way to honor these motivations, but in a different fashion than I had historically. For example, when I sense I am driving or taking over, I can now back away simply by reminding myself that the satisfaction for project momentum comes through another's successful leadership. And I have used my synergistic motivators, like wanting to support others and helping them think through their planning ahead of time, to bolster me through my challenged areas. Again, as example, rather than jumping in to respond to a senior leader's email to me about a specific project, I take the time to empower my peers to respond, and think through the process with them first so all of us are set up for success. I've found a way to link my core motivations correctly to my new goal and I am succeeding.

Though I have a long way to go in mastering this challenge, and halting this shift into “Lisa has to be the shining star” mode, I am making progress. Thanks to shifting my perspective, or paradigm, of what it means to be recognized, to be valuable, and to drive change, along with my strong reliance on those motivators that align naturally, I am gaining traction toward my goal. My ability to step in and assist correctly (e.g., thoughtfully, so my motivations are positively leveraged) versus anxiously (e.g., neurotically, or acting out of fear that my motivations are being compromised) hinges on my awareness of how and why I am still controlling or driving work. I know very well when I am behaving in response to anxiousness because my behaviors are misaligned with my motivations, and when I behave calmly and conscientiously because my behavior is comfortably aligned with my motivations. There is a visceral difference in how I behave in each, with the former being primarily a one-way rapid-fire intensity that scares even me, where in the latter I am composed and collaborate fluidly with the audience. The second approach feels so much better and healthier, and comes from an intentional place, one that is strategically linked to my goals and aligns with my core motivations, who I am and what I care about most.  

In Closing

Making a conscious link between my ultimate goals, the behaviors needed to get there, and my core motivators, has been essential to leading people more effectively. It has added breadth to my leadership repertoire, expanding the way I see and use my drivers in life. Understanding and consciously managing the motivation-behavior-goal link, can also help us focus on the nuanced adjustments that we must make to effectively accommodate the unique and specific needs of others we are delegating work to. This is an art form, adjusting our leadership styles in accordance with the needs of others, and the topic of next week's article, Thoughtfully Apply Driving, Guiding, and Letting Go. And once again, becoming proficient at this skill is made all the easier if we continue to use our keen observation and awareness skills. So until next week, happy leading!

Leading from Afar series, Article Titles and Dates

1.  Let Go to Grow, May 28

2.  Shift Your Measure of Success, June 4

3. Reflect on Your Behaviors and the Motivations behind Them, June 11

4.  NEXT: Thoughtfully Apply Driving, Guiding, and Letting go, June 18

5.  Nurture Your Relationships Consciously, June 25

6.  Keep Yourself Present in Mind When You Can't Be There In Body, July 2

7.  Get Super Comfortable Talking on the Phone and Help Others Be, July 9

8.  Track Your Activity Regularly, July 16

9.  Make Yourself Accountable, July 23

10. Make Sure Your Success Impacts Someone at Home, July 30

11. Create a Schedule That Works and Make it Work, August 6

12. Enjoy the Experience, August 13