Honestly, How Can I Improve? The Art of Asking for, and Receiving, Feedback

Do you consider yourself a leader? You should. Leadership is really about [positive] influence that is moving in a new and better direction. We all have the ability to influence others, but our capacity and impact of our influence is often stifled by our approach or style. There are many ways to be positively influential. If I facilitated a conversation with you, I’m sure you’d likely say that you influence others by helping colleagues, being open to new ideas, being vulnerable, keeping your word, being consistent, teeing others up, and being generally positive and appreciative toward others. These are all valid ways to boost your influence, and thus your social capital, which in turn builds trust and reciprocity. Some people feel like this social capital approach might be manipulative, that we are only positive, serving, and vulnerable as a way to control others. I’m not advocating this in any way. Social capital, for example, is a natural by-product of being intentionally influential. Another way to look at this is that being a good leader means people follow you voluntarily. This voluntary followership is the result of positive influence, not manipulation. If it were, your followers would wane and only follow due to your title or for other circumstantial reasons.

Our effectiveness as a leader can be boosted when we improve our ability to influence. It’s easy to say that I am influencing by serving, being open to ideas and such, but the way we do that is the key to positive influence. In my work in Organization Development, I find that people often know how to talk leadership, talk influence, but many times these same people fail to translate this talk into true leadership actions. For example, when asking for ideas (a way to be influential) we might dismiss the ideas of others or have already made a decision. Then your openness to ideas has become artificial and has a negative influence, rather than a positive one. The art is in the how…

Where are you on your leadership journey? Are you being as influential as you can be? How do you know? Do we have the necessary feedback to be our best? There are a lot of employees and managers alike that are assuming that they are good, positive, and leader-like. They are talking leadership. Please don’t assume, but rather get objective input.

Definition

Stone and Heen (2014) in their book Thanks for the Feedback, define feedback as any information that you get about yourself. They go on to say in their HBR article, Finding the Coaching in Criticism, that feedback “improves performance, develops talent, aligns expectations, solves problems, guides promotion and pay, and boosts the bottom line.”

Finding Feedback in Criticism

Their broad definition of feedback must also include criticism since it is information we get about ourselves –even if we don’t like it. Courtney Seiter wrote in the FastCompany article The Art and Science of Giving and Receiving Criticism at Work, that “because our brains are protective of us, neuroscientists say they go out of their way to make sure we always feel like we’re in the right–even when we’re not. And when we receive criticism, our brain tries to protect us from the threat it perceives to our place in the social order of things.” While we may be tempted to be threatened by such feedback, we really need to turn this into a positive. We can’t help the other person’s poor delivery of the feedback, but that doesn’t mean that their message isn’t useful.

In the workplace, no matter what level we are at, our supervisors and superiors have expectations on us. I can only hope that these expectations are clear. Let’s be honest though that these expectations are often muddy and managers should be clarifying expectations while giving regular feedback. Let’s not downplay the fact that it is difficult for us at times –due to the time it takes, and often our lack of preparation for having this type of conversation. When employees ask for feedback, then it opens up a wonderful opportunity for us to discuss performance without having to initiate it. It actually takes some of the pressure off. As employees, we need to learn to self-advocate for specific feedback regarding expectations, our influence, being mentored, etc.

Receive it Well

Once feedback is received, remember to always receive it well. While much rests on the person giving the feedback in terms of content and delivery, the feedback “won’t accomplish much if the receiver isn’t able to absorb what is said” (Heen & Stone, 2014). Receive the feedback well, even if poorly delivered, so that you can build your positive influence. Heen and Stone (2014) also found that almost everyone, from new hires to C-suite veterans, struggles with receiving feedback. It’s really not easy, but imagine the impact if we become defensive and argumentative. This is usually because what you’re hearing may seem untrue, you have a bias towards the giver of the feedback, or the message feels like a threat to your personal identity (Heen & Stone, 2014). Next time you have difficulty hearing feedback, ask yourself why? Be objective. Don’t make excuses. Regardless of the reason, when we can’t accept feedback our ability to influence becomes nominal. Instead, self-advocate through engaging in a good dialog. This can bolster your professionalism and yes, your level of influence.

Conversation Starters

Role model key communication tactics, including the art of asking for feedback. Avoid asking yes/no questions such as “Did that go well?” or “Am I on track?” This doesn’t set up the conversation to be constructive. Instead, consider these phrases for starters:

 Reflective:

• “How could I have boosted my impact during the XYZ delivery…?”
• “My take on XYZ was…….,” How do you see it…?”
• “What should I have done differently…?”
• “How has my style impacted my personal and team performance…”
• “What should I be doing differently when it comes to …”
• “What’s something I can work on to improve my professionalism? My technical skills?”

Proactive

• “What do you think of this approach..?”
• “Can we talk more about the specifics of this project…”? ‘How can I best deliver…?”
• “When it comes to this new project, I’m thinking………, what else should I be thinking about?”
• “What can I be doing to improve my overall effectiveness…?”
• “We have a XYZ coming up, what should I be doing to ensure we reach our goals”

Additional Feedback Topics

In Marcus Buckingham and Ashley Goodall’s article in HBR, they discuss The Feedback Fallacy. They suggest to managers that when employees ask for feedback to use a past, present, and future approach. So instead of waiting for your manager to initiate this, you can take ownership. Explain your immediate need for feedback (the what and why), how you’ve learned or approached this in the past, and then explore how you want or think you should approach it in the future. This allows the manager to understand your thought process and can guide the discussion more constructively. This takes a lot of pressure off the manager and actually positions yourself up for a successful dialog. Remember though that your manager may need time to formulate constructive input. So timing is important and follow-ups are a good ongoing strategy.

Finding the Right Time / Place

When soliciting feedback, make sure you choose a good time/place to do this. I hope our managers are meeting with us one-on-one consistently, which is a great time to have these conversations. However, don’t be afraid to initiate or set up a time to have the discussion -and do this regularly. Many years ago, I asked my boss to lunch because I wanted to get some feedback and clarity on my role. She was surprised by my request, but was eager to chat. It really helped set the foundation for a deeper understanding and working relationship. Keep in mind though, that we don’t always get the feedback we crave -even when we ask for it.

Persistence

A few years ago, I did a mainstage presentation at a conference. I was well-prepared. I had asked for feedback before-hand and then delivered as planned. I watched the video afterward and was rather disappointed. While I had made some changes based on the feedback I had received, there were two big problems. The first one was that I didn’t want to hear the feedback -I already thought it was great. This led me to dismiss inputs. Secondly, the people that I asked may not have been completely honest with me. We often want to avoid conflict or damaging a relationship so sometimes people avoid the truth. After the presentation, I asked another presenter who went after me on the mainstage to give me some feedback. She also affirmed my performance. (We are our own worst critic, right?). Nevertheless, to combat the positive-only feedback, we have to foster honesty. I now typically preface my desire for feedback with saying “honest feedback” or “you can be completely honest with me” or “I know it’s not where it needs to be, can you give me some advice?” Another strategy might be, “What would make this even more outstanding?” These phrases can help open the door for more constructive feedback without putting the feedback giver in an awkward position and thus receiving generic or sugar-coated feedback. When you don’t get the feedback you need from one source, seek it out elsewhere. I used to ask my boss for mentoring and feedback regularly -he would instead affirm my current skills and work products. Was he right? I believe so. The point is though, it didn’t help me grow. So ask for more specific feedback or ask other colleagues.

Ed Koch the former politician and mayor of NYC was famous for going around saying “How'm I doin'?” So be your own kind of Ed Koch, always asking for input. Just be open to what you hear. Now, let me ask you, “Honestly, how can I improve?”

Summary Points

• You should consider yourself a leader if you can positively influence others
• Positive influences boosts social capital, trust, and reciprocity
• Maximizing your leadership effectiveness requires ongoing, object feedback from others
• Feedback is any information that you get about yourself
• Criticism can be a valuable source of data, despite how it may feel at the time
• Receive all feedback well without being defensive
• Learn to self-advocate for getting the feedback you need to be successful
• Use open-ended questions when asking for feedback
• Managers typically welcome the opportunity to give solicited feedback –during the right time/place
• Seek multiple data sources to get the feedback you need to improve
• Make it safe for the feedback giver to provide honest input or advice to you

References

• Buckingham, M., & Goodall, A. (March –April, 2019). The feedback fallacy. Harvard Business Review. Retrieved from https://hbr.org/2019/03/the-feedback-fallacy
• Heen, S., & Stone D. (2014). Finding the coaching in criticism. Harvard Business Review. Retrieved from https://hbr.org/2014/01/find-the-coaching-in-criticism
• Stone, D. & Heen, S. (2014). Thanks for the feedback. The science and art of receiving feedback well. New York, NY: Viking.
• Seiter, C. (12.09.14) The art and science of giving and receiving criticism at work: Understanding the psychology of criticism can help you give better feedback and better deal with negative reviews. Fast Company. Retrieved from https://www.fastcompany.com/3039412/the-art-science-to-giving-and-receiving-criticism-at-work

____________

Matthew J. Painter is an experienced professional in management, Organization Development, and collegiate business instruction. He is the Founder and Principal of Straitpath, a boutique management consulting firm that specializes in optimizing organizational performance. He is also the Director of Leadership Development for the University of Alabama Birmingham, School of Medicine and Health System. Matthew presents at national conferences, publishes articles, and is the subject matter expert for webinars and podcasts. He is a six-sigma yellow belt and a certified facilitator in Everything DiSC and 5 Behaviors of a Cohesive Team. Matthew received a Game Changer Award from Workforce Magazine. He is very passionate about organization development and is constantly seeking ways to foster harmonious and high-performing corporate cultures. He has an undergraduate degree in Business Management / Health Care Administration, a Master’s degree in Strategic Leadership, and a Ph.D. in Business Administration: Organizational Psychology.