Honest Out Of Office Replies

Family Vacation

Thanks so much for the email. I’ll be OoO and away from my email this week as I spend time at the beach “making memories” with my wife and two toddlers, the latter of whom will, of course, not remember any of this anyway. But I will. Every meltdown, sunburn, cancelled dinner reservation, and poopy swim diaper will be seared into my memory forever.

So please believe me when I say, there is literally NOTHING I would rather be doing right now than getting you that status update you don’t need or attending that meeting where I won’t speak. But alas. I cannot. I’ll be busy apologizing to the couple in the unit below us and looking for loopholes in AirBnB’s cancellation policy instead. #memories

Will respond to emails upon my triumphal return to the office next Monday. Or, if there is a God in heaven, during the next naptime that lasts longer than 15 minutes.

Mental Health Break

Thanks for the email. I may be Out of Office but that doesn’t mean your email isn’t still top of mind for me. It just means that HR has mandated a “mental health break” after I logged 80+ hours on Zoom over a four day period. If you ask me, the difference between “took a quick power nap” and “was found unresponsive at his desk” is in the eye of the beholder. But I guess I’m not the overzealous paramedic with a hero complex here.?

I’m not normally one to let trifles like federal holidays or the death of a family member come between me and my work, but unfortunately, my corporate babysitters have gone a step further and locked me out of my company accounts for the week.

So for anything urgent, arbitrarily urgent, or not even remotely urgent, just try me on my cell, or my personal email ([email protected]), or by DM’ing any of my social handles (@BuckeyeMBYAY_2019). I swear. The lengths people like us have to go to get anything done anymore. It’s almost enough to make you miss the Industrial Revolution, amiright??

Reunion Weekend With Friends From College

Epicurus said, “Eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow we die.” Or was that Dave Matthews? Either way, I’ll be doing a lot of the first three at a VRBO in Palm Springs this week. Potentially some of the fourth as well if that maniac Tommy Bowers shows up. (aka “Tommy Trauma” aka “Tequila Tommy” aka “TB12 Shots”) Got a bunch of stories I could tell you about that goon. Most of which involve either campus police or stomach pumps.?

Point is, it’s our annual “CO2K5 Convention” (aka: Class of 2005 Convention) this week and there’s a house full of balls that won’t bust themselves and a cooler full of Busch Lights that won’t shotgun themselves.?

So I unfortunately won’t have the time (or motor control) to properly respond to your email. And any response I might attempt would contain so many grammatical errors, expletives, and accidental attachments from my camera roll, I’m sure we’d both get fired.

Probably best to just skip it for now and focus on what’s right in front of me: a kiddie pool full of Tito’s vodka, ten straws, and ten dudes who love each other enough to at least lie about being vaccinated.?

See you on the other side!?

Parental Leave

Hey There! You caught me out of the office at the moment. And actually for the next six months. My husband and I welcomed a new bundle of joy into our family this month and I’m taking advantage of my company’s generous parental leave policy.?

It’s such a gift to have the space and freedom to bond with my new baby without being forced right back into the corporate grind. Contributing to projects I care about, mentoring new hires, bouncing from one happy hour to the next with colleagues I admire and enjoy. No thank you. I’m soaking up every precious minute in this lightless nursery that smells faintly of sour milk and strongly of urine. These are the moments you can’t get back.?

Motherhood is such a high calling. It lends an elevated sense of purpose to every moment of life. And I’m sure those feelings will kick in for me soon. It’s just...six months. Man. That’s a long time.?

So I guess what I’m saying is: I may be on maternity leave but that doesn’t mean you have to just leave me to my maternity’ing. The kid mostly just sleeps at this point anyway. Not at night, of course. But enough during the day that I’m always happy to drop comments in a Google Doc, grab some facetime with a VP, or even just practice talking to a grownup if that’s what you’re emailing about.?

Just...you know...don’t forget about me! :)?

Beyond Burned Out

I’m not so much “Out of The Office” today as I am “out of ‘give a damns.’”?

Did I lose them after the all-hands last month where the CEO announced our fourth “it’s not a panic it’s a pivot” in six months? Or after the ninth straight approval meeting where “let’s collect more data” passed for a decision? Or maybe after they switched from La Croix to Bubly in the 8th floor break room? Tough to say. My gut says some combo of the three.?

So yeah, I won’t be getting to your email today. And at this point, it’s really more a question of “if” I get back to you than “when.” Like...if I run out of sick days before one of these job offers comes through. Or if Janice in Finance quits to become the stay-at-home plant mom she was always meant to be. In those cases, you might be hearing back from me.?

If I was you though, I’d just forward your email to Kevin on my team. He seems full of misguided, Gen Z energy and eager to throw himself against any wall that comes his way. See if he can get you what you need before this place devours the last vestiges of his soul.