The Honest LinkedIn Guru

"Hey there, sycophant! I mean...treasured follower.

Guess what? I just reached 78,413 followers today! That's a really incredible milestone because I said it is. And your puzzling enthusiasm to "love" this post is all the proof I need that I can post literally anything, and you'll support it.

Photos of me stealing a car, clubbing a baby seal or going on a rant against puppies will quite literally gain hundreds of likes. It's astounding. Truly. And I thank you for it.

Because you've given me my only path to employability.

You think anyone who swears this much, uses terms like "10x" or only gets one hour of sleep per night could run an actual business, let alone hold down the graveyard shift at the Burger King drive-thru?

Of course not.

This whole dog and pony show is based on my unabashed vomiting of Instagram banality, your likes, and then convincing you to hire me so you can get the same number of likes, post your own self-congratulatory victory lap, then convince others to hire you to do the same for them.

"But am I providing value?", you ask.

Ha! What an astoundingly stupid question. No offense.

You're providing value to me, mon cher. As much as I like to convince the good people of LinkedIn that my large following affords me a lifestyle on par with a Saudi prince, the truth is, it's your enlisting of my services that allows me to pay for the pizza that keeps my four roommates from throwing me off the couch I've been crashing on for the past sixteen years.

So let's keep this up, yeah? You like the vanity metrics, and I have a deep, visceral aversion to sleeping under bridges.

So it's time to 10x this baby. Hustle. Grind. Kill it. Crush it. Make it rain. And whatever else I stole from Grant Cardone and Gary Vee this morning.

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Geoff Woliner, Founder of Winning Wit, is super jealous of this guru and wishes he had 78,000 people like his posts about what he had for breakfast.