Is homeschooling turning us into bad parents? A (usually office) working mums view

The Friday of lockdown threw us all into a state of shock. Kids, parents, teachers, workers all together at home with no way to separate our professional lives from our personal lives.

I wrote the following about 3 weeks ago. I decided not to post it at the time as I didn't think that others would relate. But, listening to the radio yesterday lunchtime, they were discussing the change in children's behaviour throughout lockdown, and it brought this right back. so here goes (with a few updates)…

What must have been going through the children's minds over the past 12 weeks? Do they miss their friends? Are they scared, or even angry by the thought of the invisible killer that we hear all over the news, radio and social media? Do they feel like they are missing out on a crucial part of their development while being kept "safe" indoors?

We had great plans to keep to the school day routine as closely as possible from home, starting with 9am P.E with Joe wicks, allowing us 30 precious minutes to commence our morning calls. 9:30 -10am reading. 10-10:30, Art. Writing until snack time, and so on….

But, with my hubby and I both working from home and exhaustion setting in, finding quality time with our family is more challenging in this new, fool-proof schedule. It quickly became apparent that this just wasn't going to be sustainable for long. And, the last few months have been filled with the same tedious, back and forth debates - Whose video call is most important? Who's responsible for snacks and lunch today? And, which parent must take the dog for a walk with the kids after school work, so they can all burn some energy?

The days are a constant start-stop throughout the 6hrs, as we attempt to keep the kids routine as normal as possible. "Hold on, my boss is calling, I've got to take this" (you get the idea). Once back from our walks, the kids are plonked in front of a movie, and we spend the next 1.5hrs returning calls, emails, desperately trying to make up for the chaotic distractions from the last 6hrs.

Gone are the days where we were thankful to return home after a hard day in the office, excited to spend time with each other and talk about our day. Now, when we finally do power off our laptops, we are thrown into what is now an extension of the last 6 hrs with added exhaustion and frustration. "What's for dinner?" Being the most dreaded question, as we both know that neither of us has had the time to go to the shop to buy food.

In more normal times, if one of my children had done something wrong, I'd have taken the time to explain why it is wrong while being empathetic to their problems. But, now I find myself snapping back at them, or leaving the room so not to have a 'fight to the death' argument about something.

I've really worried that we have lost the will throughout these 12 weeks of homeschooling to simply parent and comfort our children. But, what I've come to realise is - if my kids are happy (for the most part), I am happy.

So what if they don't get the 6hr education that they have been? For all I know I'm teaching them all wrong anyway! There is a 30-year gap between my education and theirs, after all.

The house doesn't need to be spotless if it means spending some quality time with my children talking about their worries or concerns or having some fun.

Understanding how are our children really feeling?

It's easy for us all to say Kids can handle much more change than we give them credit for. And, while this is true, I still worry about the longer-term impacts. I listened to a discussion on the radio today about the behavioural challenges children are now facing. Children throwing angry mood swings that are totally out of character; others who had become so introverted at the start of lockdown and only now coming out of their shells again! This is affecting our children in so many different ways.

Now, as we start coming out of lockdown, there is a whole new set of questions to contend with - Back to School or not back to school? Is the easing of lockdown causing a fresh wave of anxiety?

I, like many others, am in the position where one child is allowed to attend school while the other is not. I see parents throwing their opinions at each other on social media and very publicly judging what Susan round the corner is doing. Are we seriously still parent shaming at a time when we should all be pulling together?

I honestly don't think that there is a right or wrong answer, you have to do what you think is best for your child and your situation. However, I noted that one listener reported that since the schools have started opening, she has faced many difficulties. She decided to allow her 5 year old back to school, which has greatly improved her anxiety and completely changed her attitude for the better, only to have to explain to her older son that he was not lucky enough to be allowed back to see his friends. Since then, her son has suffered many night terrors, aggressive mood swings and has questioned why he can't have the same privilege as his younger sister. This has all led to more confrontations in their family home.

We don't have the answers, but that's fine. In a few years' time, I'd like my children to remember 2020 and the COVID-19 outbreak as a time where they got to miss school and spend loads of time with mummy and daddy. They will not remember whether the house was clean and tidy or how many books they read, or what school work they completed.

The current situation involves high levels of anxiety and great adaption to deal with this new world. Parents are trying their damndest to be parents, teachers, therapists. And not just to their children, but to each other as well. All with little, or no, separation between our personal and professional lives. While our children are simply trying to be children in a world that, for the time being, is closed off to them.

So… What is important to us right now? How do we get through another day, week, month (not to mention the looming Summer Holidays!!!). And, how do we do it in the most positive way we can, for both our children and ourselves, while the country fights to get us out of this mess?  there will be people reading this who can relate to the challenges I've mentioned here and others who are facing other battles in response to the new world we must adjust to.

I would never suggest I have any of the answers, and each day is full of lessons learned as we puzzle our way through the 'new normal', but I do hope that this sheds a little light on how different and individual our situations actually are and for this reason, there simply isn’t a one size that fits all solution out there, we must shape our new lives for our family and our family alone.