Home and Workplace Violence: The Narcissist Within

Note: This is a true story of workplace and home violence and the impact upon individual lives and workplace productivity.

In early May 2017, a friend of mine broke up with her boyfriend. He lived 1.5 hours from her home. Her adult son lives 1.5 hours away from the former boyfriend in a different direction. Prior to the break up; he invited her to an "intimate" dinner. She had let him know that she was not ready to meet his family. When they arrive at the restaurant; his mother, sister, brother-in-law, their children and a sundry of family members were there. He introduced her as his girlfriend, bragged that she was a nurse, and how important she was to her patients.

I met him once in February 2017. During the meeting at my friend's house he kept putting me down acting as if he was more superior; better than me. He spoke about his work and how he was needed. He was gaslighting the meeting; a method of distracting from the conversation when it did not interest him. He was attempting to build up my expectations of who he was while simultaneously attempting to break me down psychologically by ignoring those things in the conversation that were not about him. He attempted to use his perceived personal power to take advantage of my kindness and attempt to be kind to him. Throughout the conversation, he derived a great deal of pleasure in his attempts to make me feel small and insignificant. He attempted to compete with me in a manner that clearly stated he was better than me.

That day, the conversation was all about him. I refused to buy into his attempts to put me down. I spoke to him about Hawai'i and he countered with how important he was at his work when he worked in Hawai'i. He decided to ask me what I did for a living after about 15 minutes of conversation about himself. When I finally told him that I was a Doctor of Psychology, he put me down more. I feed him facts, he fed me garbage. I stayed away from him. As a psychologist, I know his personality type and it can be damaging to a person's psyche. I was polite to him when he was dating my friend, yet, I also let my friend know that she should be aware that he has some potential behavior issues that it is up to her to decide what she can put up with. She saw how he treated me and it distressed and shocked her. He could not help showing his true self to someone he felt was not important to him. She began recognizing that he treated her the same. I did not have to say much other than he was attempting to create a competition between us as he attempted to be superior. After the breakup, she told me how his behavior impacted her also. It was the beginning of the end of the relationship between them.

In April 2017, my friend gave the relationship a one last ditch effort with a getaway vacation. She paid her part; he paid his. As far back as February 2017, she had told him that she really wasn't interested. Yet, he came around with flowers, candy, and several "I am sorry" statements. He loved the way he felt with her; he loved the fact that he could love himself through her. He loved the fact that she was there to blame for the fact that he could only love himself through her. That by blaming her, he was able to alleviate his emotional pain while never resolving his fundamental relationship issue. HIM.

In May 2017, she terminated the relationship and told him in no uncertain terms that it was over. He thought that by throwing a few crumbs her way by sending flowers, leaving chocolates at her door, etc. that he could talk his way into her trusting him "one more time". He thought that he was being charming and letting her know that he would change. He went on an all inclusive campaign of attempting to deceive her for the hundredth time that he was worthy. He wanted someone that would not abandon him that he can use as a verbal punching bag. He did this so that he could feel better about himself while making her feel inadequate. As a narcissist, this is how he numbs the emotions; by making others feel inferior, stupid, feeble, etc. My friend was not buying this; she clearly and succinctly told him in no uncertain terms that he was not to contact her.

Yet to meet his perverse psychological need to control, after the breakup, the former boyfriend who is in his 50's started to call increasingly while driving 1.5 hours to personally deliver the items to her. It was part of his campaign to woo her. In his mind, no did not mean no! He would show up uninvited to her home demanding entry. She had packed his belongings, including the gifts he had given her and later demanded back. She gave them to him in May; yet, he still used them psychologically in July and August 2017. The gifts were trinkets that had little to no value.

In June 2017, Around 1 a.m. (she is a nurse and works evenings) she arrived home to find him at her door. She told him to leave; they argued. He later came back and left her flowers.

In late June 2017, she came home at around 1 a.m. after work to find him at her door. She told him to leave. He argued and said they were not over.

During the months of June and July 2017, he sent her text messages, that were initially sweet and attempts to keep her down, doubting herself, second guessing herself, and cause her to question her sanity. The question of "am I wrong" and "was it a mistake to break up" occurred. Yet, she stayed determined and told him no.

In late July 2017, she arrived home at 1 a.m. after work and found a pair of men's underwear hanging on her door handle. He was there shortly after she came home ringing her door bell. He said he was there to get the rest of his clothes. She had already given them to him. He began beating on her door and ringing her door bell at 1 a.m. after she closed the door on him. She had told him not to come over again as she opened the door one more time to get rid of him.

Ultimately, she choose to ignore the text messages, telephone calls, and gifts. In late July 2017, after not acknowledging or validating that she was getting his messages, the text and telephone messages turned ugly with words like b*tch, whore, slut, etc. She refused to acknowledge him and blatantly ignored him through social media, text messages, and telephone calls blocking his number, Facebook, etc. Not long after, he again came by at 1 a.m. and rang the doorbell insistently. She told him to go away and leave her alone. He hung around making a scene at her apartment and finally left when she threatened to call the cops.

For two weeks she did not respond to his harassing texts and messages on her telephone as she attempted to "be nice" to him by ignoring him thinking he will "let" her go. She had been crystal clear with him that she did not want to be with him when she broke up with him. Yet, when dealing with a narcissist, letting go is not a familiar vocabulary word to the narcissist.

Fifteen days ago, after three months of this behavior, her adult son started getting friend requests on Facebook from the man. Her son ignored the requests. Yet, somehow the man found her son's telephone number. He started texting the son when the mother would not acknowledge him or communicate with him. The son told the man that in no uncertain terms his mother was done and did not want to be contacted and not to contact him either. The man became angry and called his mother a whore, slut, etc. in the text messages and then also telephone messages on the son's telephone. The man manipulated the son's emotions by attacking his mother; someone he loved dearly.

Ten days ago, after the man was told in no uncertain terms that the son and his mother did not want any contact with the man there was an incident. The son called his mother from his place of employment. He is 26 and well liked by his employer. He lives 1.5 hours away from the man's place of residence. The son called his mother and informed her that there was an incident at work. The man appeared at his place of employment demanding to see him. The son asked the receptionist if it was the man and described him. The man had given a different name; yet, a physical description overrode the name. He spoke to his manager and they called security who called the police.

The police arrived and the man was belligerent. The son went to the parking lot to speak to the police. When questioned by the police, the man's reason for going to the son's place of employment was to find out why his mother did not want to be with him (already explained). The son was not only angry about the intrusion into his life; he began to fear for his mother's safety.

A police report was filed with a warning to the man that he would be charged with criminal trespassing if he appeared again. The son began receiving text messages from the man with pictures of places around his community.

Yesterday, the mother received a series of text messages with photographs of her son's community near his home. She also received a telephone call from her son. Someone had gotten into his house and the door knob to his apartment was broken while he was out. Thus, leaving him open to an intruder. A quick trip to the hardware store would fix the lock; yet, the sense of safety cannot be replaced so long as the man is still lurking in the shadows.

Later that day, the mother received a telephone call from her apartment manager. The man called the apartment manager and stated that he wanted to get into her apartment because he had personal items in the apartment. The manager informed him that he was not on the lease and was not permitted entry. He attempted to use sugary compliments to get his way. When that did not work, he went off the deep end and verbally attacked the manager. The man was attempting to create problems for the mother at her place of residence.

After being notified by the manager of the incident; the mother's employer called her. The man had called her employer to discuss the mother's behavior. The manager was aware of the situation as the firm had given the mother information on stalking. It was fortunate that the receptionist was out of the office for lunch and the manager picked up. The manager informed the man that he was not to call her place of employment nor go to her place of employment again. He was, needless to say, angry. The man hung up as he was again blocked in his attempt to destroy the mother's life.

Currently, the mother walks around in fear for her safety. The police have begun increased patrols in her community. The man drives over an hour each time he comes to stalk and harass her. He is a pure narcissist.

The man has demonstrated clear signs of stalking or civil harassment. He has taken steps that are meant to destroy the Mother's life and those around her. The behavior and course of action he has taken is of "if I can't have her nobody will..." As a narcissist, he will continue to refuse to let go because he will lose control. After all he believes that as an unlicensed day contractor he is a fine catch - she cannot do better than him. He has never said "I Love You" to her. He just "wants" her. His form of want is not about the closeness, empathy, or emotional connectedness; rather, it is about his desire to keep her focused on HIS pain while causing her distress.

He regards her as his property. Like driving a hot car, he looks at her like something to keep on his arm. Her status as a nurse may cause him to quietly hate her; thus creating a focus for his inadequacies as a man and partner. As a former abuse victim, she is more prone to have relationships with people who see her need to be kind as a method of soothing their own emotional issues by focusing upon her differences. He is better able to control her as he perceives that she is less than him in all areas of her life.

His attempts at destroying her life are nothing more than attempts to manipulate other's opinions of her. It is his attempt to have others side with him as the "good" guy as they side against her as the "bad" guy. He attempts to portray her as "needy, complaining, selfish, and controlling" by stating that she retains his possessions as a method to keep him in her life. Yet, it is just the opposite. He attempts to get others to see him as caring, ever ready, admiring, adoring, and forgiven as he attempts to draw others into falling for his lies and traps.

When she was still speaking to him; she would tell him how his behavior was painful. He would thrive on the conversation as she unwittingly validated that his tactics of "I'm sorry", candy, flowers, etc. were working. He never had to take responsibility for his own actions. He was able to ensure that she never was able to weaken him with her initial desires early in their dating relationship to have an emotionally close relationship. Yet, when she told him that he was hurting her - it was like a stock market report that told the results of a company's product and service sales result - he was able to further guide his behavior so that she would continue attempting to "fix" the issues even after breaking up. Yet, when she ultimately refused to go along with his behavior, his narcissistic personality went into over drive.

Within corporations, the military, and homes across the world there are people who throw off signs and symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual 5th Edition (DSM-V); one of the more prevalent mental health disorder that can turn into stalking is that of a narcissist.

Stalking is a form of harassment that is often perverse in nature and intended to destroy the psychological well being of the person who is targeted. It is also a method that can lead to work place violence as the stalker attempts to invade every corner of the intended target. Narcissists can also become that ultimate sociopath and take the stalking to a level that can end up in the death of the victim. All the while as the stalker blames the victim for the root cause of their sociopath behavior.

As a psychological consultant and behaviorist, examination of individual behavior patterns within organizational systems are key to our work. This includes the examination of interpersonal relationships and team dynamics impacting the mission and function of the organization. Corporations, both public and private, along with governmental agencies need to learn to gauge how their teams are interacting and the barriers to the successful navigation of personalities in the workplace. This includes examinations of perceptions and magical thinking. Training to examine the various behavior types is critical to the safety of the employees within an organization. Understanding the laws and regulations pertaining to stalking in the workplace is just as critical as the actual work being accomplished. It is up to each of us to protect not only ourselves; it is most important to create a safe work environment for everyone in the workplace.

Although this story is true; the actions of the stalker are not complete. No matter what the mother does; he will continue to attempt to get his way until he finds another mark that will interest him or until he is arrested. Don't let this story be your story or the story of a co-worker. Employee safety is tantamount and more important than just the work to be completed.

Walk safely and continue to enjoy life! Dr. Helen