Home for the Holidays?

"Tis the season to be ...."

How would you fill out that jingle? A friend told me her family Thanksgiving was ruined because two relatives have radically different political views and got into a shouting match. She's hosting Christmas at her house and asked for advice so the same thing doesn't happen.

I congratulated her for getting ahead of this. A study by One Poll showed "88% of respondents believe the holidays are the most stressful time of the year," and this year will be more stressful than most. The good news is, she can increase the likelihood this gathering is what she wants it to be - instead of what she's afraid it could be - by honoring the group.

She said, "What do you mean by that?

I said, "How many people will be at your home?"

She said, "Eight. And before you ask, we're meeting on my outside porch with heaters, and we'll be socially distanced and wearing masks unless we're eating, so we should all be safe."

I told her, "See, you're taking steps to make sure people's physical health is safe, doesn't it also make sense to take steps to make sure their mental health is safe?"

Think about it. There are rules of the road. If eight cars come up to an intersection, everyone knows they need to stop, everyone knows who goes first, who needs to wait, who goes next, etc. Imagine if there were no rules and anything goes. It'd be bedlam.

The irony is, most family gatherings have no rules. Anything goes. People can interrupt each other, talk over each other, tell each other they're wrong, argue and shout. No one feels safe."

I promised her I'd post some sample rules she could use to ensure her Christmas gathering honors the group. Feel free to adapt these for your own holiday gathering .

1. Send an email a couple days in advance letting people know how much you're looking forward to seeing them. Let them know that to ensure their physical and psychological safety, you're setting up the following rules.
2. Everyone wears a mask unless they're eating. You'll be eating on the outside porch with heaters, individual meals will be served, and chairs will be six feet apart. Clarify you're not trying to be draconian, you're just taking responsibility for people's health so hopefully everyone will be around for next year's family gatherings.
3. You'll be facilitating a Review-Preview conversation with questions so everyone has a chance to get caught up, share highlights of the year, and what they're looking forward to next year. Politics, conspiracy theories, Covid19 "hoax," etc. are off limits. Feel free to pull a few favorites from this list and print them out for your round-table discussion.
4. Let them know that if someone doesn't want to play by these rules, you understand, and you will look forward to seeing them next year.

My friend said, "Really? You're actually suggesting that if my uncle or brother say they're not going to wear a mask - or they're going to talk politics come hell or high water and I can't stop them - they're disinvited?"

"Yes, that's what I'm saying. It's not right or fair for two people to ruin the gathering for everyone. Honor the six people who ARE following the rules instead of the two who aren't. The choice is theirs. Your house. Your rules. You're taking personal responsibility for everyone's safety, and if someone plans to violate the rules, they're not welcome."

She said, "But what if I send that email, and then they get into it anyway?"

I said, "You might want to sign up for my free Tongue Fu! for the Holidays zoom call next week. We'll be focusing on what to say - and not to say - so people respect your rules and honor the group and the occasion. We'll also share some tips on how to:

• Lead a one-table conversation that gives everyone a chance to contribute
• Avoid quicksand arguments (easily to get into, hard to get out of)
• Host a virtual holiday gathering that keeps people engaged from start to finish
• Create enduring rituals that become a meaningful family legacy
• Hold people accountable for treating each other with respect

Is it Pollyanna to think we can create gatherings that are less contentious and more loving and inclusive? Maybe. But then, as Esther Hicks says, “Pollyanna led a very happy life.”

Queen Elizabeth said, “Good memories are our second chance at happiness.”

If you have someone in your family who seems to have no qualms about violating rules, even when it harms others, it's time to hold this person accountable. It's time to create a “rising tide raising all involved” gathering that honors the group rather than the individual.

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Sam Horn, CEO of the Tongue Fu! Training Institute, is on a mission to help people create respectful communications Her 3 TEDx talks and 9 books have been featured in NY Times, on NPR, and taught to Boeing, NASA, Intel, YPO, Fidelity. Register here to receive the zoom link and instructions on how to join our Tongue Fu! for the Holidays call next week.