The Hollowing Out of 8th of March: Where Did We Go Wrong?
?Platitudes will not bring about any change in the condition of women in our society. Everyone, including individuals and organisations, indulges in tokenism every women's day and then conveniently forgets about women's issues completely. If we are interested in ensuring the equal participation of women in our society, then we will have to eschew our hypocritical conduct, shine a bright light on the societal structure that discriminates against fairer sex, and not shy away from overhauling our society. We must first understand that equal participation of women in all walks of life is not feminism. It is the need of the hour. It is rationality. It is practicality. We will not be doing a favour to women if we strive to make our society more equal, open, and free. No, ensuring women's equal participation in nation-building is not feminism. It is the economy, stupid! If women withdraw from the workforce voluntarily or involuntarily – due to harassment, inequality, gender-insensitive office cultures, violence, pressure, coercion, etc. – all hell will break loose. No economy can absorb the loss of half of its potential workforce. Talking about equality for women is not feminism by any stretch of the imagination. A patriarchal society puts a steep cost on men too. In a community where male chauvinism is the order of the day, men, too, begin to lose.
Let me give you an example. A patriarchal society believes a woman's proper place is in the kitchen and should take care of her family rather than make a career for herself. This kind of toxic mentality ensures men are the breadwinner of the family. Imagine a man who does not want to work. Can he quit his job? The answer is no because he, too, will have to "do his gender." A society that punishes women inadvertently ends up punishing men too. So, talking about women's equality is not feminism. It is being practical. To bring gender equality in society, I list here a few things that men and women should be doing. Empty talks and rhetoric are just that, empty talks and rhetoric. Your high-sounding words can make you feel better about yourselves, but at the end of the day, your actions will matter, not glib talks.?
It is incumbent on both men and women to work towards creating an equal society. Creating a false binary and erecting a wall of emptiness between men and women will not help. Men and women will have to come together and work together to ensure equality.
What should men do?
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2. Stop being moral police: A fortnight ago, I went to the police station to lodge a complaint. The policemen on duty asked me what I was doing "there" at 10:30 pm. They also asked me if I was drunk. When I answered in affirmative, they said, "you were drunk... even the Supreme Court of India won't take you seriously." It would have been hilarious if it was not so tragic. Now imagine a woman going to a police station to register a case of so-called eve-teasing (there is nothing called eve-teasing. It is sexual harassment) and having to answer, "what were you wearing." Who the hell is anyone to ask, "what were you wearing" or "were you drunk?" Mind your own business and focus on yourselves. Nobody is commenting on the kinds of clothes you wear. Shut your mouth on others' sartorial choices as well.
3. Learn to take rejections in your stride:?Men propose and then fancy it to be their fundamental right to be accepted. You love someone, good. You express your feelings, great. Now, don't expect everyone to reciprocate your feelings. Rejection in love is not a statement of you being unworthy or unmanly. A rejection is simply a statement of the other person not being interested romantically in you. Every human being is different, and their emotional and other needs can differ significantly from yours. Learn to accept a no and move on without creating a fuss. You are not Brad Pitt. And, mind you, even Brad Pitt got rejected.?
4. Get over your obsession with women: I was dining with an acquaintance a few days ago. This man, who hardly knew me, said, "I have had ninety girlfriends." I said great and changed the topic. Needing women to validate your existence is the worst kind of self-hatred. It was apparent the man was lying. But why did he lie about the number of women who might have attached themselves to him? Is it because he wanted to prove his masculinity? Or is it because his existence needs validation from women? I have encountered men who claimed to have romantic affairs in three figures! Get over your obsession with women. A hundred romantic experiences will beg the question: "Are you a male prostitute?"
5. Learn to respect boundaries when engaging with women: "I am open-minded and cool. I say whatever comes to my mind." This is the defence of men of loose character. They don't know the difference between a joke and crude talk. If you don't see the difference between a joke and double-entendre talk, you better go back to your family and learn it. No one has the time for your coolness. You may find people of your character, but you better behave yourself with others. No one has patience for you.
?6. Stop touching: "I am open-minded. What is the harm in touching, putting hands on a woman's shoulder?' Do you touch your male colleagues? Do men in the office go about rubbing their hands on each other's backs? Do men always put their hands on other male colleagues' shoulders? Stop fooling others. You think you are smart. You are a dimwit. If you cannot keep your hands off, time to meet a counsellor. No arguments. No gaslighting.
7. Stop marketing yourself: Men, in the company of women, always claim to be different from other men. Let your actions speak for you. Don't telegraph your message of being a gentleman to the entire world. If you are nice, people will know it.?
8. Speak up for women: Speak up not only for your female relatives and colleagues but also for strangers. It is your responsibility to put your foot down and pick up, if required, a fight if someone of your own gender is harassing a woman. Not all men are the same? Prove it, dear boy!
9. Make public space welcoming to women: How many women are seen at roadside tea stalls or makeshift hotels (dhabas)? Rarely or never, right? Why? Are all women super-rich who are having their morning tea at 5-star hotels? No. Women are not seen in tea stalls and makeshift dhabas because men, mostly cantankerous men, monopolise these places. Ensure to make public spaces more welcoming to women.
10. Work on the contradiction in your character: You put your mother on a pedestal and treat your wife as a slave. Your respect for your mother does not prove you respect women. Mothers are important, and so are wives. All relations have their importance in different ways. You cannot compare one with the other. Your relationship with your father is different from your brothers and sisters. In the same way, you will share a different relationship with your mother and your wife. Respect both. Respect does not mean being artificial in conduct and pompous in language ( I know men who put photographs of themselves on social media on the occasion of Karva Chauth touching their wives' feet! Highly contradictory behaviour. If you are so respectful of your wife, why is she fasting for your long life and you doing nothing in return for her health and long life?)?
11. Don't expect home-cooked food: Food is not your wife's responsibility. If you want delicious home-cooked food, you better learn to cook or employ someone who can do it for you against wages. Feeding you is not your woman's responsibility.?
12. Divide home chores 50-50: Helping your wife or live-in partner with home chores – doing dishes, cleaning, etc. – is not a great thing. It is normal and should be the state of affairs. When two people live together, both are responsible for keeping their home neat and tidy.?
13. Learn the definition of rape: Over a decade ago, in 2010, I read an article in Time magazine. The article was on consent. It told a story of a man convicted of sexual assault. Let me recount the story. A man and his girlfriend were in their flat, naked and smoking marijuana. It was a weekend, and they had a lot of sex that day. In the afternoon, the man rolled another joint and tried to penetrate his partner one more time. The woman said she was not in the mood as she had had enough. The man said, "I will get you in the mood." He was convicted of rape. Moral of the story: you are no one to get anyone in the mood. Learn to take a no as a no, irrespective of your relationship and when you last had a physical relationship. What was acceptable in the morning may not be so in the afternoon.
What should women do??
1. Cut down on your hypocrisy: I have never come across a woman who says her brother, father, or husband might have been in the wrong. Even self-proclaimed feminists, publishing long articles in newspapers, ensure to point out how their male family members are different from others. Other men are always wrong, but my 'bhai-baap-chacha' is too great." Introspect and put a spotlight on the dark corners of your home before you go around shouting yourself hoarse about gender equality. Charity begins at home. Any change also starts from home. Take care of male members of your family. Required changes in our society will automatically happen.
2. Stop thinking you are unsafe on the road: You are unsafe at home more than outside. According to a report, male relatives are responsible for 78% of sexual harassment: 40% by uncles and acquaintances, 17% by brothers and cousins, 7% by fathers, etc. Your fight is not with an unknown male. Your struggle is against your relatives. Don't paint all men with your broad brush of generalisation.?
3.?Stop perpetuating myths about men: Men are lusty, always looking only for sex. Nothing could be further from the truth. Men have sexual desires, and so do women. Men can express their desires and talk openly about them because society does not put a cost on male sexuality. On the other hand, women are penalised for expressing their physical desires. But it does not mean women are metaphysical in their needs, while men are lascivious and always looking for only one thing: sex. The difference between men and women is zilch. Both are human beings. Both have certain desires. Don't make men look like sex-hungry wolves out on a hunt of hapless and helpless damsels.
4. Context should determine your sartorial choices: There is no text without context. What you wear should be decided by the context. Taking a public bus in Delhi wearing a miniskirt and a bralette is not obnoxious. It is idiotic. No one is policing your dress choice, but if what you wear is out of place, you should think about it.?
When I was in my early teenage years, I went out in my village wearing sleeveless t-shirts and shorts. People, who were not anti-men by any definition, advised me not to wear such clothes in a village. Every piece of advice on your clothing choice is not an expression of misogyny and sexism.?
5. Stop hiding behind feminism to whitewash your flaws: Humans are flawed. Women are no exception. Taking refuge in feminism and hiding behind your gender when caught red-handed will not help you. Some women launch whisper campaigns against their male colleagues or classmates because "things didn't go well." If a wrong is committed against you, file a complaint. A whisper campaign is the worst thing you could do to anyone. Everyone has a right to defend themselves. A man against whom a whisper campaign is launched does not even stand a chance to defend himself.
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6. Don't turn every woman issue into a woman vs. man issue: Your problems are not yours alone. Directly or indirectly, they impact men as well. If you are genuinely interested in finding a solution to gender inequality in our society, you should try to get men to participate in your struggle against patriarchy. Othering men might make you feel good and powerful, but you will fail to achieve any positive outcome.?
7. Don't break communication with men: Women should talk to men more often. Our social structure has created an invisible wall between men and women. This wall must be torn down if any good result has to be achieved. Lack of communication breeds ignorance which manifests itself in stereotyping one another.?
8. Don't envy men: I know many women who think men are free and have no pressure on them. Nothing could be further from the truth. It is true men enjoy far more freedom than women in our society. But freedom comes at a cost. Men have tremendous pressure to succeed. If a woman fails in her endeavour, it is fine. No taunt will come her way. But if a man fails, there are choicest words used for him: bumpkin, lazy, good-for-nothing, useless, jobless, etc. Failing is not an option for men. Also, if a woman talks about her sexual exploitation, she will be lauded, not in villages but definitely in cities. A man dares not open up about his childhood traumatic experiences at the hands of relatives or acquaintances. By some estimates, 52% of male children in India have experienced sexual assault. How many men have you come across who talk of sexual assault on them during childhood? I have yet to meet a man comfortable opening up about his trauma.
Furthermore, men have considerable pressure to prove their masculinity. Crying, expressing sorrow, and discussing their mental health are not appreciated. If you think a man is in 'mauj', think again. Men have their own problems to deal with, and the tragedy is they cannot even ask for help.
9. Don't peddle fake feminism: My university, Mumbai University, had installed sanitary pads vending machines on its campus. There are malls in Noida where vending machines dispense sanitary pads free of cost. Why? A student of Mumbai university usually comes from the middle and upper middle class. They spend 200-300 every day in cafes. They don't need free sanitary pads. A woman who can buy a movie ticket worth 700 can afford to buy sanitary pads. Our priorities are misplaced. There are women in remote areas, villages, and slums who use dirty cloth or cow dung to staunch their period flow. Many die. These women need free sanitary napkins, not a Mumbai university student or a woman in a mall.
10. Stop objectifying yourselves: I have never come across a woman who shows herself warts and all. They put dolled-up pictures on social media. They take photographs in beauty mode (even men do such things) and rarely step out of their homes without touching up their faces. Why? Why do you have to be so flawless all the time? Whose attention are you craving for? Before you ask men to stop objectifying you, stop objectifying yourself. Are you sure you are comfortable wearing four-inch heels travelling in a metro? I doubt that.?
Men and women are not two different animals from two different planets. A lack of communication has erected an invisible wall between them. Our society must ensure equality for women in all spheres of life. If women do not feel safe and fail to participate in the economy in larger numbers, we are destined to fail. No country can progress without half its citizens living in fear or frustration. Tokenism cannot help. Concrete actions, overhauling societal structure, and changing our attitude and outlook are the need of the hour. Reducing women's fight for equality into a one-day tamasha on Women's day will do more harm than good. Change in society will only come if efforts in this direction are put 24/7, 365 days a year.?