Holiday How-tos

Holiday How-tos-Curbing Consumerism & Practicing New Skills in an Old Environment

While the holidays can be a time of joy and gratitude, they can also be one of conflict or challenge. Try implementing these mindful changes that can profoundly impact the holiday season and alter how we connect and gather.

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In our affluent area and with the constant barrage of ads, marketing, and social media, we fight an uphill battle. We can easily get sucked into "more, more, more" and the upward comparison of keeping up with the Joneses. The best way to give your family perspective and a healthy relationship with money is to model it. Talk and help your family learn about spending, budgeting, giving, and saving. How you structure your holiday shopping is a great way to put your money where your mouth is, pun intended! Here are a few ideas to mix it up: 

• Adventure gifts. Give gifts of time together rather than crossing things off your list. Think of what your family may enjoy together. Create family memories by trying a new activity your family hasn't tried yet, like heading up to the mountains, going for a hike or out to a show. The possibilities are endless!
• Pick names. Lessen the load by encouraging each person to shop for one other person. This idea may foster creativity, thoughtfulness, and intentionality in gift-giving.
• Set a limit. Make a budget for each person and stick to it. This idea can limit overspending and shift the culture of expectation in the family.
• Serve together. Serving together can build community and bring joy. Instead of gifts, give your time and money to organizations in need.
• Donate to non-profits. Give money to an organization in your loved one's name. Find something they are passionate about or provide a micro-loan to a developing global entrepreneur.
• Buy socially minded products. Many organizations offer high-quality goods contributing to the makers living with empowerment, dignity, and purpose.
• Give homemade gifts! If you're crafty or handy, make your own gifts for family members.
• Balance the scales. Create categories with a set budget. Examples include donating to a charity or gifting an adventure gift. This idea can help us live within our means, not overspend, buy intentionally, and think outside ourselves.
• Get creative! I recently heard of a family who goes downtown, gives each person a set amount of money, draws names, and then has an hour to shop for their person. There are points given for staying within budget, time limits, etc. At the end of the hour, everyone meets up for dinner to exchange gifts and stories.

Try new things to help your family embrace a balanced relationship with money and spending this holiday season!

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Heading home for the holidays can conjure the warm fuzzies of nostalgia and anxiety of old patterns or family conflict. Maybe you struggle with intense self-awareness, which has the potential to drown out your message and hinder connection. Going home can feel like the ultimate test when you have been working on improving yourself and your relationships. Spending time with family can often pull us into old patterns. Family systems tend to keep the status quo because change can be challenging to accept. People may try to restore balance when you start to act differently, hold boundaries, or question the family dynamics. Think about this as you have conversations this season. Are you concerned with being right, liked, or important? How can you gently shift focus on moments that invite people to come together with mutual humility? What might others be offering you in return? 

As you venture home for the holidays, tendencies to act in the old ways of the system exist. Here are some reminders as you practice new skills in an old environment:

• Remember that you can only be responsible for yourself. You cannot control what others do or say or take responsibility for them. Speak for yourself, your experience, your needs, your feelings, and your hopes. Be mindful of making healthy choices for yourself and letting others make their own decisions.
• Trust that everyone is doing the best they can. All families have disappointing moments, say hurtful things, or miss the mark. The stress of this time of year may increase these moments. Even the most unhelpful relating styles, both in ourselves and in others, usually come from a place of good intentions. The tactic may have helped early on in life, but now it may be backfiring. Remind yourself to assume the best in others. It will help you be more gracious to yourself and your family.
• You are not the family therapist. After gaining awareness of yourself or your family's issues, it can be tempting to point out the dynamics or challenges others face. Be aware, speak honestly, and be gentle. Remember, your growth happens slowly and with gracious support, so it will for others if/when they are ready to see it.
• Self-care, self-care, self-care! If you are anticipating a challenging day, schedule some downtime before and after to take care of yourself. Excuse yourself for a walk. Drink a cup of coffee in solitude. Go to bed when you need to. Call a trustworthy friend. Schedule a massage when you get home!
• You will fail, and that's okay. Practicing new skills is clumsy at first. Imagine a junior high girl wearing heels for the first time. It's a little awkward! Eventually, you will grow into these new practices, and they will become second nature. Use this time with your family to increase your awareness of yourself. Be gentle with yourself when you fail. Journal your findings and use it as an opportunity to try again next time.

Wherever you are this season, I hope you can find meaningful connections with the people in your life and yourself. Finally, find joy in these moments with your family! Here's to a healthy & happy holiday season!

With gratitude on this journey,

Nicolle