Holiday Grief

Holidays are festive times, full of cheer, good will, joy, and gatherings with friends and family.

Unless they’re not.

For many of us — I suspect for most of us — the holidays are also a time of grief. We rarely talk about it, often hide it, and suffer in silence. But it’s there. Keeping it in the shadows, it’s easy to feel alone with our sorrow, never realizing others around us are struggling, too.

Sources of holiday grief

Sadness during the holidays can be particularly intense for those of us who’ve suffered a recent loss. The death of someone close to us, romantic breakups, job losses, and other major changes can overshadow the joy of the season. We feel the acute pain of missing those we’ve lost, especially when these are our first holidays without them.

Sometimes the losses are less obvious to others, but that doesn’t make the pain any less real. This will be my first holiday without my cat, Zacky, who died at 17 back in March, and I still miss him every day.

I have a friend who had a miscarriage recently and the grief is sometimes overwhelming for her and her family. Yet many people don’t understand and wonder why they aren’t over it. (She told me that someone said to her, “It isn’t like you lost a baby.” Yes, it is. That’s exactly what it is.)

For others, the sadness is evoked by anniversaries. Losses occurring over the holidays may be forever linked to them in our hearts. I always think of my grandmother on December 24th, since she died on Christmas Eve 1976. Even after all these years, the date is tinged with grief.

Another cause of holiday grief is seasonal: Thinking of past holidays, traditions gone by, and childhood nostalgia can be more bitter than sweet. Coming at the end of the year, the holidays may be a reminder of time fleeting, another year’s passing, and our own mortality. It doesn’t help that winter is a season of darkness and cold, and of death before spring’s rebirth.

I’m very nostalgic for my childhood Thanksgivings and Christmases, as well as those when I was a young adult, traveling back to my childhood home and family. I miss Halloween decorating and trick-or-treating with my kids, our Thanksgiving dinners, and the joy of Hanukkah, especially since I’ve been estranged from my daughters for several years.

And for those of us who struggle with depression, including seasonal depression and the winter blues associated with the shorter days, the contrast with others’ happiness can contribute to feeling even more isolated and out of sync.

The holidays can also be impacted by financial troubles, especially for those who can’t afford to participate in the conspicuous consumption that’s become synonymous with Christmas in our culture. Parents who can’t buy presents for their children, those who don’t have money to spend on gifts for significant people in their lives, and others who can’t spend freely on holiday extravagances may feel inadequate or left out, observing a joyful celebration from which they’re excluded.

There are many other reasons for grief in our world. The pandemic, wars, economic dislocation, political divisions, senseless violence, environmental chaos, and other crises large and small contribute to a sense of distress and worry. Sometimes we cannot point to any specific cause, but our grief is valid, nonetheless.

Grief is a feeling…

…and we can neither choose nor control our emotions. They’re irrational by definition, and all we can do is accept them and experience the journey.

Everyone’s grief is different, and everyone’s grief is valid. We’d be just as successful controlling a sneeze or a headache as a feeling, but no one ever says to “just snap out of it” for allergies or migraines.

That doesn’t mean we’re completely powerless, though. There are ways to mitigate our sadness and navigate the grieving process.

First and foremost, we are a social species and grief is a communal process. We need to share it with others. We need to talk about it, reminisce about those we’ve lost, hug, and cry. Clients have often told me that “crying doesn’t help,” but, when I ask them if they’ve cried with another person there, they look at me blankly. Crying alone is isolating and can seem bottomless. Crying in the presence of someone who understands and cares can be healing.

We are also a symbolic species, creating and holding onto rituals and traditions to maintain our sense of meaning and continuity in the face of change. If our holiday traditions have been disrupted, though, we can create new ones. Thanksgiving with friends or serving food in a soup kitchen may take the place of (not to say replace) family meals. Gifts given to Toys for Tots or other charities can allow us to participate in spreading joy, as can volunteering in a homeless shelter.

And taking care of ourselves is crucial, so we need to use every self-care strategy we know to keep ourselves on an even keel. That includes being kind to ourselves, getting exercise, spending time outdoors despite the cold, getting enough sleep, keeping hydrated, eating healthily, avoiding overindulging in alcohol or drugs, and sticking to a schedule.

Remember, too, that you’re not alone. None of us are. Recent data suggest that more than half of all adult Americans are struggling with behavioral health issues such as depression, anxiety, and addictions. Aloneness is an illusion facilitated by the silence around our grief.

Aloneness is an illusion facilitated by the silence around our grief.

Don’t hesitate to reach out for help

If your grief is overwhelming, making it hard to get out of bed or cope with daily life, consider seeking help. Grief support groups are available online and in virtually every community, for example. Faith leaders can provide support and counseling, and there are nonprofit groups for virtually every need.

If you have access to an EAP, that can be a great place to start. If you have health insurance, they can provide appropriate referrals to a therapist; if you don’t, you can always call 211 (or go online to 211.org) to find free or low-cost counseling.

If you’re considering suicide or feel in crisis, call 988, the new nationwide behavioral health crisis line.

You will get through it

Although grief can seem overwhelming and endless, there is another side to it. Life goes on, we emerge from the experience changed, our world transformed, but we do find joy and happiness again. Spring follows winter, and new life finds a way.

Holiday grief may be the hardest grief to bear, but you’re not alone and you will get through it. We all will, together.

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For more information, visit https://www.apa.org/topics/grief/holiday-season-coping.

If you or someone you know needs help, call 988 for any mental health or substance use crisis.

You can also call 1-800-273-8255 for the?National Suicide Prevention Lifeline?or?text HOME to 741-741 for support from the?Crisis Text Line. The?National Helpline for alcohol and drug abuse?is at 1-800-662-4357. All three are free and available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, every day of the year.

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This piece is not intended as medical or legal advice. Always speak with your medical provider before initiating a diet or exercise regimen or if you have medical questions. If you have legal questions, consult with an attorney.

This article represents my own opinions as a non-physician and does not reflect the opinions or positions of my employer.