Holiday Dinner Table Talk: The ABCDs of Handling Awkward Race Conversations

Picture it: your family gathers for the big holiday feast.?

As you pass the gravy, you hear it. ?“Of course your team beat State. ?Your team is full of (racial slur).” ?Some heads drop. ?Some heads whip in anger towards the family’s Unofficial Unedited Mouth. Some laugh that nervous laugh that we’ve all laughed when a response with words get stuck in the throat.

Or maybe it is something a bit softer. ?Something that feels off, but it’s harder to put your finger on why. ?“We don’t shop at that location, because the people in that neighborhood don’t know how to keep their stores clean.” ? Hmm… people in “that neighborhood”? ?

Push the pause button. ?Roll back the tape.?

Growing up, you were taught things about certain ethnic groups. You trusted those informing you. You didn’t question them…at least not out loud. No point rocking the boat, especially when it was hard to name exactly why some of the things that were said were wrong.? ?

You’ve been away from the home scene for a while. ?You’re not the same person who inhabited that dinner chair way back when. A lot about you has changed.?

Especially your views about race.?

Your present reality has you interacting with folk of different shades. And you’ve grown to love it. Candidly, when you’re all together over a meal, it feels more like family than your own family.? ?

But you’re back at home. ?The gravy wobbles in its boat as your face is getting red and you’re ready to pop. ?

The old stereotypes back home are still in play and they wreak havoc on your new values. ?

How do you stay true to your friends of different ethnicities and true to your family at the same time? ?

Here are some ABCDs of handling those awkward race-related episodes over the holidays. ?Read them, tuck them away and hopefully you won’t need them!

Anticipate. Before you arrive home, think through possible scenarios based on past family episodes and relationships. ?What comments have been said in the past that left you unsettled? ?What could easily go south in a heartbeat? ?

Be Prepared. For most of us, the question is not if these awkward moments will arise, but when. Visualize how you might respond. ?Try role-playing it with a trusted friend or teammate. Don’t waste energy on “The Perfect Answer” and “Their Perfect Reaction To It”, but practice some possible things to say/do. ?

• What current realities with racial overtones or undertones are in play and could come up??
• Think about the 2024 elections--because race plays a big role in almost all elections.
• Think about recent White Police/Black Men interactions.?
• Think about the three Palestinian students shot in Vermont.?
• Think about “Hey, can you believe that new book Black AF History (subtitled: The Un-Whitewashed Story of America by Michael Harriott)?”

Stay Calm. Calm is not many peoples’ default mode when racial slurs or stereotypes are made. That’s where role-playing a few possible scenarios can help you be calmer than if you reacted on pure instinct. Take a deep breath. Take another one or two. Take note of what emotions start to arise in you. Remember: these are your family and good friends. Certain words out of your mouth in the heat of the moment can set your relationships back years.? ?

Diffuse. What would it take to lower the emotional temperature several degrees? ?You know your family and what has worked in the past with them. ?

• Is it a quiet but firm disapproval? ?
• Is it offering a different perspective on what’s just been expressed? ?(This also falls under Anticipate, above.) ?
• Is it a 1-on-1 conversation on the patio with Unofficial Unedited Mouth after the meal? It can be helpful to start by sharing what emotions were kicked up when you heard the comment. ?

A helpful tool from The Center for Creative Leadership for giving feedback is: Situation- Behavior-Impact (SBI). ? ? ? ?

Situation: “Cousin Mary, at the dinner table” ? ? ? ?

Behavior: “When you said that comment at dinner about my teammates” ? ? ? ?

Impact: “It made me feel sad and hurt, because those are my friends. ?I don’t like it when people talk about them that way.”

? In conclusion: When we are back together “with the fam,” almost like magic or a time warp, we slip into our old roles, old relationship dynamics, old habits. Some of the “‘ol old” is how we responded to those awkward racial moments.?

This year, as you walk up the driveway, before you open the door with “I’m home!” tell yourself, “I’m not that 12-year old when I lived here. I’m not that 25-year old visiting home. I’m different.”?

Be the light for your family. ?

(A version of this first appeared in Wednesday Wisdom, December 18, 2019, as “Home For The Holidays.”)