Holiday Bliss or Blues

Holidays are special, whether we celebrate the occasion or not. People like having a day off work, shopping the sales, and gathering with loved ones. Most holidays come and go without too much fuss. We go about our day without much emotional consideration.

However, the last five weeks of the year are considered a “season,” and the American culture is emotionally and financially invested. We get involuntarily enveloped in festivities starting the week of Thanksgiving and ending on January 1, New Year’s Day.

For 35 days, not just one, television commercials manipulate our emotions to center on gratitude, love, and family. Businesses have office parties to celebrate the season. Neighbors competitively decorate their homes as welcome invitations.

The holiday season is about joy and gratitude, and statistics prove it. According to CDC’s National Center for Health Statistics, despite a myth of increased suicides, December ranks lower than the other months for suicide attempts. The lower rate is a testament to the increased faith the season brings.

Holiday Blues

The holidays come with a cultural script that brings joy to many. But, the holiday blues also have an annual tradition.

Millions of people struggle to execute the holiday script. Each year more people opt out of the automated tasks of family gatherings, gift exchanges, and mandated office parties. Understanding the stress around the holiday season will foster sensitivity.

No matter how important the holiday season is to you, know that not everyone feels the same. Several factors contribute to blues rather than bliss during the season.

Not Culturally Congruent?

Let’s first acknowledge that the holiday season is not geared toward cultural inclusion. Thanksgiving is an offensive celebration for Native Americans and many people of color.

Regarding Christmas, Christianity makes up only 71% of the religious population in the United States. Almost 30% of the population hold different religious traditions. Some people don’t celebrate at all, and others celebrate different cultural traditions.?

Popular holidays include Kwanzaa and Hanukkah.?Kwanzaa?is observed from December 26 — January 1 as a celebration of African Culture in the lives of African Americans.?Hanukkah, a celebration of the Jewish faith, is observed for eight days that vary each year. This year’s dates are December 18–26.

While wishing someone a Merry Christmas isn’t offensive, it’s not necessarily meaningful.

Kwanzaa and Hanukkah are significantly less commercialized than Christmas and not associated with gift-giving. Celebrations quietly occur in community centers, places of worship, and homes.

While wishing someone a Merry Christmas isn’t offensive, it’s not necessarily meaningful. It’s more inclusive to say “Happy Holidays” instead of assuming Christmas is relevant to everyone. Asking people what holidays they celebrate can also be a great ice-breaker to get to know people at those awkward office parties.

Christmas Costs

A Gallup Poll reports the average spend per person for Christmas is expected to be near $1,000 in 2022. That amount rivals the monthly income of an individual living at the poverty line. Commercializing Christmas puts a financial strain even on middle-class families.

Expensive electronics are in high demand, even for children. The cost of big family dinners and travel are considerably higher than a year ago.?

It’s easy to feel deprived when you see what others receive. When I was a child living at the poverty level in the 1960s, I was glad there was no school for a week after Christmas.

By the time school resumed, most people had stopped talking about their new toys and clothes. These days, social media creates up-to-the-minute comparisons.

Even people who appear financially stable live paycheck-to-paycheck. Conversations about gift-giving and receiving may be stressful. We can support those less fortunate by avoiding asking people when they’re shopping or what they’re buying.

Family Issues

Many people do not have access to their family voluntarily or involuntarily. Hearing constant chatter about families could trigger depression.

Families live more spread out each year. Many people live with no family members within 500 miles. They may not have the time or money to visit with family members.?

Having no family doesn’t mean your acquaintance wants to spend time with your family. Let them be alone if they choose. Feeling sorry for someone is not helpful.?

A dysfunctional family history forces many people to separate from their family. Being alone is often high-quality self-care. People also may have made plans that they aren’t willing to share with you.

Solo Self-Care

There are more than 60 million survivors of childhood trauma in the United States. I supported over 7000 survivors of childhood trauma online daily for ten years.

Their childhood traumas often were associated with family members who still show up for holiday events. Survivors' stress and anxiety over family engagement during the holiday season was one of their biggest struggles.

Many adult survivors of childhood trauma chose to discontinue contact with their families to heal. They are comfortable with their choice, but uncomfortable talking about it.

When someone says they aren’t spending time with family, respect their choice. You don’t need to know their story. You just need to respect their choice.

Holiday Grief?

Many families have experienced personal trauma or loss that has sucked the joy out of the holiday season. Family tragedy has no respect for timing. December is a time of mourning for many people.?

Learning to live without loved ones can take years, and the holiday season triggers grief. Many people lost loved ones during the COVID-19 pandemic and cannot yet bring themselves to experience joy in the absence of their loved ones.

Holiday blues are a serious problem. Many people experience deep depression and excessive stress. Mandatory work parties, the flood of social media pictures, store ads, decorations, and ongoing public conversations about holiday family plans can exacerbate holiday blues.

Cold weather and short daylight hours further compromise people’s resilience when they need it most. People are less likely to spend time outdoors or to exercise, which are natural remedies for sadness. So, even highly resilient people struggle to stay emotionally afloat between Thanksgiving and New Year.

Beating the Holiday?Blues

The key to beating the holiday blues is not to fight it. Sometimes, when we feel bad, we panic. We start worrying about feeling bad. We expect to feel bad for a long time. Or, we respond to the sadness in ways that unknowingly make it worse.

Instead, we must be proactive in protecting our mental health. You know the drill if you have been sad every holiday season since you lost your loved one or gone no-contact with family. You know your triggers. If you don’t, this is an excellent year to assess them.

Feel Your?Feelings

Instead of forcing your feelings to go away, try embracing them. Your intense emotions around the holiday are an opportunity to validate your experience of harm or grief. Whatever happened in your life to bring you to this place of pain was real and can be healed.

Common coping mechanisms of positive psychology and gratitude often become ineffective during the holiday season. You can’t heal emotions by ignoring them or covering them up with false gratitude.

Time does not heal all wounds. Some wounds need professional help to heal. All wounds need intentionality and a safe space to heal. Think about how to address, instead of suppressing, your feelings.

Healing is ugly, disorderly, awkward, unpredictable, and overwhelming work that sometimes produces anger, regret, fear, and uncertainty. Work on the messiness of healing all year long to avoid the holiday blues.

Call in the?Troops

You are not alone in your feeling, no matter how bad you feel. Some people have similar experiences and are also in need of support. Find and use your tribe during the stressful season.

The least likely suspect sometimes offers the most, so open your mind. Your support persons may not be family members, the same age group, race, or religion. They may have different values than you. Still, they may be empathetic, understanding, and kind.

Beware that if you use your tribe for therapy, you will build a dysfunctional relationship of trauma bonding that is likely to be short-term. Use your tribe to create new experiences of gratitude and joy to rebalance your resilience.

Share cultural events, such as theatrical or dance performances, even if they are online. Read and discuss common books. Join an organization together to express similar passions. Plan workouts together. Most importantly, keep in touch.

Use your tribe to create new experiences of gratitude and joy to rebalance your resilience.

You shouldn’t expect daily communication with your tribe. However, try to communicate regularly. Make sure you are initiating contact and allowing other people to initiate as well. Reach out consistently, not just when you feel sad.

Social media poetry groups can be amazing, reliable, and consistent communities. Poetry rewrites narratives and offers a positive vibe that is an alternative to the gratitude model of dealing with pain.?

You can find poetry groups on most platforms with a “Poetry” search. Be patient in finding a group that matches your vibe. I guarantee you can find poetry events online throughout Christmas day with others who are restructuring the holiday.

Avoid Over-indulgence

Some people over-indulge in the consumption of alcohol or cannabis during the holiday season. Unfortunately, alcohol and cannabis are depressants. People feel relaxed after using them because they shut down the prefrontal lobe. The prefrontal lobe is responsible for reasoning and responsibility, so you worry less.

A side effect of smoking and drinking is indulging too much. Over-indulging is easy because decision-making is compromised once the prefrontal lobe is relaxed. The part of your brain responsible for telling you that you are over-indulging is asleep.

Once reasoning is compromised, any of your problems may seem more significant even though your brain feels momentarily more relaxed. As the high wears off, the anxiety returns, so you repeat the process or live in heightened anxiety. For this reason, smoking or drinking as a coping mechanism during the holiday season should be avoided.

Make the body-brain connection

When you pay special attention to your body to give it proper care, you turn the mind-body connection in your favor. When you increase the competence of your body, the mind can thrive off that competence.

Move your body for the sake of moving your mind. Yoga is gentle and can restore emotional balance. Aerobics is great for activating endorphins for a sense of happiness. Weight training can make you feel stronger inside and out. Trial and error will help you find your niche to connect with your body.

Group exercises tend to be more motivating than working out alone. Get ahead of the New Year’s crowd and join the gym in December. Most gyms will be open until Christmas Eve and closed on Christmas Day. But a brisk outdoor walk or video-guided yoga session will still be accessible on Christmas Day.

Take a secondary approach if you cannot do the physical work to connect with your body. Treat yourself to massages, wear makeup, take baths, or change your hairstyle. Let your body know that your mind is paying attention.

Happy Holidays

You have talents, interests, and relationships that serve you all year. Nothing that you have lost has to be your lens to the world. If you are proactive in how you approach the holiday season, you can bring joy into it.

Each day is an opportunity to heal a little more and spread a little more love. You don’t need to give a single gift or kiss under a mistletoe. You don’t have to go into a worship building or sit at a family table. You simply need to be present.

Our presence is our transparency and authenticity. It’s a willingness to create the best moments of our lives instead of being defined by the worst moments.

The holiday season is a time to expand ourselves beyond cultural scripts. It’s an opportunity to open our hearts to the world and its people.

References

CDC, (2018): Holiday suicides: Facts or myth. Center for Disease Control and Prevention/ Violence Prevention.?https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/suicide/holiday.html

Gowin, J (2018): Your Brain on Alcohol: Psychology Today.?https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/you-illuminated/201006/your-brain-alcohol

Saad, L. (October 27, 2022): Americans planning to spend generously this holiday season. Gallup?https://news.gallup.com/poll/403985/americans-planning-spend-generously-holiday-season.aspx

Web MD (2018): Depression and alcohol. Web MD.?https://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/alcohol-and-depresssion#1