&%hole Bosses! ( What They Can Teach Us About Becoming a Leader)

By Phil Gayter

My career is littered with them. Really bad bosses, clients, customer service representatives and they have all had a say in my life at some time or another. Some have been epic jerks and others, mere bullies hiding deficiencies in the penile department. So, why waste a whole blog on them? 

Well, assholes can teach us something about life. They allow us to breathe in deeply and say to anyone who is listening: “What a knob head.” – this, as a release mechanism to work stress, is worth its weight in counseling,

Try going into a government office and you will notice they are specially bred to be annoying.

(Drone like voice) “Mr. Gayter you have not completed form 7-B45674-CFFD27. Therefore I cannot process your request until 14 weeks on Thursday--if it is not raining. Have a meaningless day.” 

I am sure that job satisfaction plays a big part. After all, no one bursts into the family room exclaiming: “Mom, Dad… I want to work at the social security office!”

The assholes in our lives tell us that our present situation is not about performance or being good or bad, it’s about being in the wrong place at the wrong time—like a cruise-booker on the Titanic. Bad people—AKA assholes—are just as successful as genii in this world. Just look at corporate America if you don’t believe me.

If we understand what drives an individual to be a dick then we are a little closer to making our way through the mire, bidding them a “good day!” and finding the people that can really help us. 

I have just one question, though.

Do these folks know they are Arseholes? (as we say back in the UK.)

The following assholes are all true and living proof that power used unwisely can create monsters and a whole lot of mess for us all.

ASSHOLE ALERT! #1

At a Kansas City agency, I met the Daddy of all A-holes. He was a megalomaniac bully and possibly the scariest character this side of the Mason Dixon line. He thrived on making people quake in their boots and feel uncomfortable—“This is my company and if you don’t like it—You’re fired!”

This was compounded by a propensity for arriving into work drunk at 9 am. Not a great situation but a learning one for me nevertheless...

I learned that one will always ultimately lose if one follows a course of “assholery”—people do not follow a leader like this, in fact, given a chance they will run a mile and even sabotage the machine in an effort to get free of their clutches and get payback.

People will not run into battle if they fear the bigger enemy is within and leading the charge.

With my particular ogre, I found that I actually got along with him better if I stood up to his bullying. Fellow employees used to comment that I seemed to get things through that normal human beings could only dream of. This is important because I basically looked at the man behind the madman standing before me and I projected my Father (sorry Dad) onto this boss. He shared all the same traits and menacing qualities as my Father and I realized that bullies are basically looking for love. Using reverse psychology, I killed him with kindness and understanding to get through—and it worked. Not in a sycophantic way but a ‘caring for someone troubled’ kind of model. I believe as we come across challenging situations in our life search, it behooves us to change things to achieve new and better outcomes, and “de-assholing” is a massive tool for you to employ. (Yes, I finally used "behoove" in a sentence, and for this, I apologize.) 

One evening we went to dinner and as usual, five drinks in, he wanted a cigarette break outside, so I duly joined him. We got to chatting about the company direction and I mentioned my role as Creative Director and the fact that I felt we could do a better job of putting our creative work forward. It was if the thunderclouds rolled in, tornado warnings shrilly blew and a pin dropped all at the same time. His belligerent face went through a series of color changes ending in London bus red—he leaned into my face with such vitriol that I feared for my safety.

“Don’t you ever tell ME what to do with MY fucking company.” His face was no more than an inch from mine and I could smell the Pino Grigio on his steamy breath…

“... Ever!”

I had to back him away and calm him down and said I believed we should move on. I stated that I was allowed an opinion and should not be chastised for disagreeing. It was the weirdest encounter of my career. I thought about how to handle the situation beyond “planking” him one and realized my only and best recourse was to “mirror” him and bully back.

I walked into his office the next morning and with a jaunty smile told him I enjoyed our evening, the heated discussion and enlightening conversation. He agreed and said it was great to have these conversations. I nodded and turned to move out of the office for effect.

“However, if you ever, EVER come at me like that again there’s a massive “Salford Kiss**” in it for you…”

He looked stunned: “Salford Kiss?”

“Yes, back in Manchester, that is a giant headbutt with your name on it.”

His chin hit the table and he smiled… “I like you. You have balls.”

“Yes, and I will have yours if you do that again… Have a great day.”

Reading people is an art form. Understanding how and why they do things is a science. In combination, we can use these skills to get further in our careers and lives. As I have reinvented myself over recent years I have become a chameleon in many ways. Mirroring the people in my sightline and using the gained knowledge to my advantage. Caring individuals are easy to get along with, it’s the assholes that are trickier animals.

Mirroring is a way in which we assess our target audience and talk and act like them as much as possible. This allows them to see us as “one of them” and feel more comfortable with our presence. Whenever I walk into a service station I assume the role of “blue-collar guy” and talk accordingly.

“Fuckin flange belt has gone… this is a piece of shit vehicle.”

If I walked in with my clipped British accent and used my normal voice…

“I say, my good man, not sure what the bother is, could you take a look at the old thing?”

I guarantee I would be charged double. That is the very essence of copywriting if you think about it, mirroring your audience.

ASSHOLE ALERT! #2

Assholes reap what they sow and usually find themselves in a ton of mess because of the wake of destruction they leave behind. The following set of circumstances could not have been a truer demonstration of this phenomenon in vivid action. I am still waiting for Hollywood to turn it into a movie.

This was back in the UK and, once again, he was a bully and a drunk (a theme?). He took great pleasure in making people feel small and often picked on me in meetings, for no other reason than I was “Northern.” On the one occasion, I challenged him I was “fired” for insubordination. He gave me 30-minutes to pack and leave the office and had me escorted out the building by security. It was a cruel way to be dealt with and that treatment stayed with me and influenced the way I lead teams today. I treat everyone with respect and empathy using firmness and fairness as and when it is called for. The experience also taught me that the “golden rule” is a powerful mantra.

Not that I am a pushover, as the following illustrates.

My bad boss’s name was John Smith (name changed to protect the asshole) and his actions haunted me for many years. Fast-forward 10-years then, and witness me working for the same company (as I was released from). After a successful transition to the US market, I was invited by the “global powers” to take over the office in Amsterdam.

In the interview, I was told:

“Your first job will be to relieve the troublesome Creative Director of his position. His name is John Smith***…”

Boom! A warm glow filled my body as a salivated at the possibilities. God-light shone down on me, choirs of angels sang, and I went home ready to pull the trigger and move the family to the land of tulips. Life has a way of sorting the wheat from the chaff and handing you chances at redemption. You just have to wait for the tables to slowly come around.

I did not take the position, but lived off the glory of knowing that I could (and would) have fired him on the spot. (Giving him 31 minutes to leave the building—because I am magnanimous.) This on the face of it seems counter to my argument that I should not let the past influence the way I treat people now. I have one exception to that rule: I will take down a bully with a baseball bat if necessary.

If you really think about it this is all down to awareness. I asked earlier: do assholes know that they are assholes? The bullies and A-holes I have met over the years share one thing in common: blissful ignorance as to their status in life. 

As you search for the new positions and a way forward through the job market learn to embrace the assholes you come across and be prepared to load them into a taxi drunk and polish up your “Salford Kiss.” Both will come in very handy.

Footnote: I have also worked with many wonderful individuals without whom I could not have achieved all that I have ... they're just not as fun to write about.