Holding on... when I really just want to let go.

Corporate America has just once again told me that the services I provide are unique but not needed.?Again I find myself in the position of reimagining how the world can receive my gifts the best way possible. I’m an opportunist and an optimist.?I believe in things I cannot see and can envision possibilities that most can’t comprehend. And yet here I am marveling at those that can just “put up and shut up” who seemingly get along so well in corporate America.?Those who’s careers are advancing and the next opportunity seems to come so easily to them.??At the same time, a bit of my heart dies for them.?I don’t want to be them.?For me to think about doing only 1/2 of the job seems so small.?For me to not bring my whole voice to the conversation - the one that is unguarded and raw, the one which makes leaders squirm, the one corporate America has asked me to tame - seems so disingenuous and honestly seems down right emasculating.?

Right now this period of “rebirth” is so painful.?I cycle between bouts of shame and exhilaration.?What did I do to cause this? and simultaneously?the world is full of exciting opportunities.?I want to just cash it in.?To go small and easy.?To find a job that allows me to wait tables or something similar just so I can feel useful again.?Yet I know when doing that, I’m going to look at the inefficiency of the system and try to make it better for the people who are working there.?The heart and soul of the entity.?I can’t not do this.?I can’t not think about how to make organizations a more wholehearted place.?One where the employees can feel a part of the fabric, not just a number on the payroll.??Where employees stop trying to equate value with paycheck totals, but where value is created because they do what they do best and can go home at night with full hearts able to hold space for those in their families and communities.?The current grind in corporate America is not accomplishing this.?Most employees and coaching clients of mine today are grinding away at the moral fibers in their soul.?They are giving more for the paycheck than they are giving to the world.?They are too tired, too stressed, too disconnected from their heart to care anymore.?They are quite literally saying “yes” to the perception of security versus saying “hell yes” to bringing their whole heart to the workplace.?

I find myself trying to find a way to hold on.?To want to make it work.?To fit in.?To reach for security and the “corporate cush.”?Yet every attempt and every job description I look at causes me to wince.?Maybe I’m an idealist.?Maybe I’m a non-conformist.?Yet I want to believe I’ve been birthed for this moment.?And moments like this I just want to let go.?To run with abandon.?To do what I was designed to do.?Like the thoroughbred that doesn’t realize they were designed to run, until that moment in the pasture when they outpaced all the other foals.?Or the tiger raised in captivity only to dream about the open Savannah’s they’ve never experienced, yet they know them to be as real as the cold steak they’re currently being fed.

I wasn’t made to fit in anymore.?I wasn’t made to be the same. I wasn’t made to play it safe.?Yet I have kids, a wife and a mortgage.?The demands of life beckon.?The courage of the heart arises.?Fear is present.?Insecurity abounds.?Loneliness smothers any burning embers.?Belief dwindles.?Which road do I take??Who’s advice is most appealing?

I believe in an AND BOTH situation.?I believe in the opportunity to work in the system (employee) and on the system (external).?I believe I was made to do hard things.?I know I was created to build a legacy.

Who really knows what’s going on in my head and in my heart??Who is responsible for it??Certainly not my “corporate leadership.”?Organizations by definition are amoral.?People are not.?I choose people.?I chose me. I chose the truth inside of me yearning to get out.??