Holding Space for Other People's Emotions

This is Pete the Pony. He is, in some ways, the complete opposite of my horse Alex. Alex is a stoic, reserved self-sufficient fellow who likes things orderly and predictable. Pete wears his heart on his sleeve. He's excited, engaged and the life of the party. We don't need a doorbell, Pete calls out enthusiastically to everyone who comes up the driveway.?

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He has big emotions, about everything. He has joy, frustration, disappointment and excitement in Shakespearean proportions. If they was tangible, the barn roof would literally burst off because the space was so full of his adorable, expressive personality.?

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When he is happy, it is awesome to let his joy wash over me. I can draw from it and, if I'm having an awful day (like I did recently), I can lean in and get a full body snuggle. He will tuck his head over my shoulder or tick his head in under my arm and share his happiness with me. I can feel it spreading into me and warming me up, like that first sip of coffee on a Saturday morning with no commitments.?

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But he is also expressive with his other emotions. If he doesn't like something or he doesn't understand what I'm asking him to do in a particular moment, he let's me know about with equal intensity.?

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But if I follow him into that negative emotional space, it doesn't help either of us. Working with Pete in those times helps be practice holding space to be with someone to provide support, without getting drawn into the same emotional energy.?

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To draw the office parallel, if someone came through the halfway yelling and gesturing, frustrated about some decision they didn't agree with, it would be easy to get caught up in that intense emotion. Either in agreement (getting mad with them) or opposition (getting mad at them).??

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Matching the emotional energy would only intensify the situation.?

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It's completely normal to have a reaction to someone else's emotions. But learning to recognise it and being more self-aware of the situation can help us be better leaders and managers. Rather than reacting back with equally strong emotions, if I hold back and let the other person get out what they need to, they usually get to a place where they can calm down and work the problem through.?

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Pete helps me practice keeping my own emotions separate, but to calmly be there to help him through that moment. When he's in that intense reactive headspace, I can't give him new work or change things on him. He needs time and space to be able to process his emotions. When he's calmed down a bit, we can work through the source of the agitation. Then we take a pulse check: are we OK to go on with what we planned, or do we need to adjust and adapt?

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And sometimes I'm that emotionally reactive pony and I need someone to hold space while I process and deal with things. The roles aren't fixed and finite.?

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So, I thank Pete for his big emotions. He gives me the opportunity to develop my habits of holding space so I can better support others when they need it.

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Tip: When someone comes ranting through, mucking with the vibe, try picture them as a pint-sized pony kicking up horse poo.