Holding Space

For the last 5 years I have hosted an Empowerment Lunch in my work environment that has become a safe haven for many women staff/faculty/administrators across multiple colleges/schools, divisions, departments, and position types.

This past month was especially hard for our community as we process, react, empathize, and try to make sense of the actions and decisions of others, try to support others as they do the same all while continuing to do our high demanding jobs, in addition to taking on the physical, social, emotional, and mental work left in the absence of our colleagues, peers, and friends.

As this newsletter is about sharing ways that we can live the resilience tree model, I thought to share the ways that I was able to hold space for this community of women and how they hold space for each other (me included). (1) we played together with sensory items, (2) we individually shared where we were and recognized some commonalities, (3) we discussed strategies for coping that we currently use or can adopt, and (4) we discussed a strategy for asking for help from one another in between gatherings.

(1) TACTILE & SENSORY REFUEL STATION

As I prepared for this particular lunch I especially did not know what to expect. I did not know who would show up, if anyone would show up, what emotional state folks would be in, what they were needing to work through, or what would be helpful and most useful for them to leave feeling more empowered than when they arrived.

I strive for the space to be a refueling station to assist in the retention of women leaders in positions of influence in organizations. I brought sensory, tactile, and brain stimulation items such as: I brought sensory, tactile, and brain stimulation items such as:

• Coloring pages (some with curses)
• Eucalyptus oil aromatherapy scents
• Massage oils (I gave out a few hand massages)
• Fidget / tactile toys
• 3D Puzzles
• Therapy putty
• Kinetic sand
• Note cards / How Full is Your Bucket Drops

(2) YOU ARE NOT ALONE / CHALLENGE BY CHOICE SHARING PROMPTS

After the ladies got their food, everyone had a chance to introduce themselves and share how they were feeling OR a Rose, Bud, or Thorn. I like this activity especially because of the Bud. It acknowledges that not everything is on the extremes of good or bad but there could be something growing, pending, and beautifully about to take shape. I like that sharing a bud in a group setting allows for others to be part of the journey and to celebrate with you when it transitions to a Rose!

I also appreciate that Mindful Schools has created a worksheet with definitions and prompts to easily facilitate the activity.

(3) RESILIENCE MODEL FOOD FOR THOUGHT

I then shared the 4 components of the Resilience Tree Model that I created and which is the inspiration for the initiation of the monthly empowerment gatherings.

• We talked about our Roots / what spaces or activities allowed us to slow down, refuel, and take time for ourselves. The spaces are where we can take off the masks we wear to fit in and get by. The activities are where we center ourselves so that we can be refreshed when we pick up and continue moving forward. We talked about how taking time for ourselves does not need to be expensive or time consuming. It could be a walk outside, a one minute box breathing exercise, actually taking a lunch break away from the desk, or scheduling buffer time between meetings.
• We talked about our Branches / the people who see our potential, want the best for us, and have no other agenda but to see us succeed. We talked about how it is one thing to acknowledge that help is needed and another thing to accept it when it is offered or to ask for it. This weariness is partially out of fear of the ask for help being used against us as an example of weakness, incompetence, or unworthiness to have the position. But within the weariness coping mechanism we may be loosing out on following up with folks who really want to invest in us. I shared that
• We talked about our Fruit / the moments where we gain energy from sharing our lessons learned with others coming up behind us and realizing how far we have come. The Resilience Tree element of Fruit is also about knowing when not to produce. A tree is not always in bloom or bearing fruit and we should learn from that and have seasons of hibernation so that when we share, our fruit will be ripe, bountiful, nourishing, and delicious rather then shriveled, bitter, and giving off a sour attitude that we do not want to permeate through-out the environment.
• Lastly, we talked about our Environment / paying attention to the interconnected ecosystem that is our work culture. Look out for clues that the environment is in support of you and the way you lead. Is there alignment? Are philosophies, goals, strategies, treatment of people, decision making, etc. being done in a way that motivates you to keep working or deflates you and makes you question why you do what you do? A large part of environment is observation but it is also knowing what we need to thrive which is difficult and often unknown.

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(4)?CONTINUED CONNECTION / SAFELY ASKING FOR HELP

We agreed at our lunch that if we ever need the support of someone from the group that we could type in "does anyone have 8-minutes?" in the Microsoft Teams general channel and someone from the group will be there to support you, to call you, to come over, to go to lunch, to go for a walk, whatever is feasible for both of you at the time but you will find out that YOU ARE NOT ALONE and you do not have to go through whatever is going on by yourself..?

This suggestion is based off of a clip I saw recently of Simon Sinek telling a story of how this code phrase was created between him and his friend after they found research that says "when someone is struggling or in need all they need is 8-minutes from a friend to hold space for them to make them feel better" Because when the friend reached out it sounded like every other "what are you doing?" text and he didn't know they were struggling.??

The story is told between 23:02 - ?25:03 of this video. https://youtu.be/4pigfI3B63w?si=deADYzGq0rgBCf8_

CONCLUSION

All in all, I think the lunch was a success! I received feedback that the ladies appreciated meeting one another, especially when many of them are the only person of color in their department or office. They appreciated hearing about what others are going through as it put things in context and/or broadened their understanding of what is going on. They appreciated that we made space to celebrate successes (a few folks were finishing graduate programs, course work, doctorate defenses, etc.). The few who joined us virtually appreciated having that option to still connect.

Sarah Epstein said, "Holding space refers to the act of being fully present with someone else, without judgment or distraction, so that the person can share their experiences and perspective. This looks like creating a safe, accepting environment, engaging in attentive listening, and offering non-judgmental support. Research shows that holding space can reduce stress and anxiety, enhance relationships, and improve mental health and well-being." Psychology Today, May 25, 2023

Holding space can be scary as you are not the one in control of the direction things will go in. It is necessary and important work to help people feel seen, heard, cared for, valued, and as though they are invested in. Even if you don't have any of the tools I mentioned above you have the most important resources, your time and undivided attention, that you can choose to give to others who may need some space to be held for them, that is, if you are in a place to give or offer it...

I invite you to share the ways that you are holding space for others in the comments below.

From my heart to yours,

~Dr. Shauna T. Sobers

www.shaunatsobers.com | https://linktr.ee/shaunatsobers