Hitting the reject button, the destructive power of rejection sensitive dysphoria with neurodiversity

So I wanted to come back to something I have talked to before with my posts, and that is the very emotive and emotional subject of rejection sensitivity for those with ADHD and other forms of neurodiversity.

For me whilst my diagnosis, and current journey to rediscover who I am has brought with it many challenges, probably the most difficult and still currently destructive is the acute rejection sensitivity, or rejection sensitive dysphoria to give it the clinical name that I battle almost daily.

Put simply rejection sensitive dysphoria, is an almost daily occurrence where neuro-diverse individuals such as myself may perceive the words actions, or indeed inaction of others as a sign of rejection, and which leads to mental overload and also actual physical manifestations such as anxiety.

This can be at work, or in our personal lives, and here is the really interestng thing: in almost all cases, rejection is imagined or perceived and, more often than not, doesn't exist.

Now, that might sound stupid and illogical to you, and it is entirely, but regardless unless addressed, it can lead to highly destructive behaviour, especially toward those around us and those we care about.

A question over a slide, a non-reply to an email., a cancelled meeting or lunch, a late reply to a message, or even a thumb emoji instead of a heart can, if unchecked, lead to a belief that we are being rejected and that we have somehow alienated or annoyed the person we are connected to.

As I said, it is entirely un-rational, yet, for me, and I know many others with ADHD and neurodiversity, it is genuine and also highly destructive to our lives and close relationships and for those on the receiving end, equally as dangerous and harmful.

And one of the reasons it hits older neurodiverse people like me so hard, i now realise is that for many years, especially as a child of the seventies and eighties, we spent our life not fitting in, feeling rejected and alienated and also if like me you had a tough childhood and one where this rejection extended to home life then it can also become supercharged in later life as I have discovered.

But there is also good news.

Through reading and therapy, I have realised that this is a thing and perhaps something I should not be so ashamed of, but that it is also a thing that, with lots of work and effort, you can overcome or at least learn to control.

My therapist describes it as a journey of four stages.

Stage one is unaware., as it sounds, and where you're constantly looking back at broken relationships and lost opportunities and wondering why.

Stage two is aware but unable.

Here, you know what it is and why, but often, you are still not able to resist the feelings and, as a result, still do dumb stuff or create rejection out of nothing, creating conflict with those around you.

Stage three is aware and able.

Again as it sounds, you are aware of this and able to rationalise it and manage it, meaning that whilst it may still enter your head, you can control it and dismiss the illogical thoughts before they become dumb behaviour.

And stage four is fixed, although whether that is a real stage I do not know and may perhaps never.

Personally, I am between stages two and three right now.

I am brutally aware of my rejection sensitive dysphoria now, but sadly sometimes still not able to resist and control it.

I am getting better for sure, but at times, I still let it overwhelm me and drown me with the resultant impact on those around me, and in fact, even last week, this happened with some destructive results.

But that said, I am working very hard to get to stage three and stay there, and that is the point of the video.

To not just highlight that rejection-sensitive dysphoria is a real and very brutal thing for those who have to endure it but also to highlight that it is a thing that you can at the very least learn to identify and start to control.

And to those who sometimes suffer on the other end of it, too, I would just ask that you pause and be patient with your neurodiverse friend or colleague.

For them, it is real, and very real and the last thing they ever want to do is upset you, in fact it is a kind of perverse compliment which shows they really care about you or what you think, but as with many disorders, and it is in my view a disorder, it requires time, work and patience to get past, so please know that it probably has kept them up at night sleepless and even crying as they Wrestle with the affliction that is rejection sensitive dysphoria.

As always, I hope this has been interesting and helpful, and if you would like some recommendations on reading for this, please do message me.