Hitting Bull's Eye

It’s been about 4 weeks since I returned from the Peruvian Amazonian Jungles, after being healed deeper than before, by the loving Shipibo tribe Shamans.

The 2 weeks you spend in the jungles are spaced with challenging ceremonies - From drinking the medicine to spending time with yourself and to also interact with fellow ‘passengers’ (as the Shamans address the other people seeking healing - Pasajeros), who are there to collectively heal with you and are set up by the divinity to travel with you. Even though you have never met any of these people before, you form a bond thicker than blood with them, and what we share in groups and amongst each other are secrets we’ve never even told our closest family members.

In one such sharing, a very funny British guy was sharing his episodes of bullying as a teenager in England with?one of the retreat coordinators and I asked to listen in. He is a successful music record executive (hung with Pink Floyd, Rolling Stones etc), with a loving wife and amazing kids. There is no chance you’d believe the fact that he would regularly get beaten up as a kid (he got beaten up even on his 15th birthday)!

At that time I didn’t know why I sat at the table with him for over an hour listening to his stories as I thought - ‘what am I relating to here?’ I was never bullied, or at least not as bad as him, and not terribly physically. In any case nothing needed to be addressed traumatically either. The reason, however, was to be clear very soon…

The fact is, I was bullied, not very physically, but mentally, a lot. And given my proclivity to block trauma, I know there is much more than what I can remember?now.

In middle and high school, I was a stereotypical nerd, complete with glasses and oily hair (love you mom), brilliant academically and in all things extra curricular like debates & quizzes and to add to my aura, I didn’t have an athletic bone in my body (at 40 now, I’m the fittest I ever was in my life). You can imagine that I didn’t have to have a target on my back to get picked on and made horrible fun of.

So post my British friend’s shares, my trauma surfaced in full force with multiple incidents being recollected - The one that traumatized me the most was not even from middle or high school, it was when I was in engineering college, when I was a full grown adult. I still hung out with the assholes from high school who bullied me (who I still called ‘friends’). One year, we played holi, the Indian festival of colors and went to my best friend’s to wash up after. When I stepped out of the washroom, one of the sons of?bitches was hiding to the side and smashed a raw egg on my freshly washed head. And everyone had a good laugh. Clearly my ‘best friend’ had provided the son of a bitch the egg. And my ‘best friend’ had participated in such incidents belittling me on multiple occasions.

While I have thought of wanting to crack that particular asshole’s skull many times if we ever met, at that time I didn’t even physically react. I washed up again and was scared that another egg would be broken on me. I know so much about trauma now that I know exactly why I (not) reacted the way I did. I still can’t crack eggs open for food today without thinking of this incident.

And in classic victim behaviour, I continued hanging with these assholes, even when I knew it was going to lead to abuse. Back then, I was insecure, I needed someone, I didn’t want to be alone. But now I know that the reason I felt so betrayed by my ‘best friend’ when I was bullied around him (and he participated in it for the worse) was because I was hoping he would, in fact, protect me. Maybe I felt eternally hopeful that by repeatedly hanging out with him, he would come to my rescue someday. Of course, if my relationship with my family was any better, this would perhaps not occur, but then again, I would never be blessed with the wisdom I have now?because of this trauma. (Oh, the ways of the divine!).

Now if you think that the spiritual than thou me is angry AF about the bullying - Yes, I am! So, fuck off if you think I don’t have the right to be angry. While now I understand that these assholes were acting out as a result of whatever they were facing in their lives at the time: they neither deserve my forgiveness nor contempt, nor do I care which heaven they prosper in or the hell they rot in - I have no blessings to give or curses to heap on them. And if you think this whole thing is an overreaction… fuck off, again.

Still here? Read on...

What I’m angry about is not them, I’m angry about the asshole I was to my sister who I bullied after being abused by these motherfuckers. My sister was and is the sweetest, most unconditionally loving human and I subjugated her to my frustration & insecurity, which only I can take responsibility for.

While I have asked my sister forgiveness for this and other times I was a jerk to her; as a part of this process and others, I have forgiven myself!

This whole thing took the night and morning to process in the jungles, and in the morning, it was very clear what I needed to do. While I’m really not in touch with any of these assholes, I had to cut off any energetic ties with them on social media after I came back to civilization. I certainly don’t care about their reaction to the act or this article. It is, however, very important for me to acknowledge and put this behind me in order to move on fully. And I feel fantastic doing it!

It is never too late to heal, reconcile, and forgive yourself. This whole bullying thing was fished out of the depths of my subconscious for me to address, so that I continue to evolve as the best version of myself. This revelation happened 10 days before I turned 40. I couldn’t be more blessed and grateful.

So, if trauma comes for you and someone says, ‘Let it go’, tell them to go fuck off, you need to process it and come out on top: you will and you have everything you need to feel spectacular at the end of this, no matter how old you are. Happiness is your birthright. Trust yourself to achieve it.

PS: A few years before my self-actualization, when I was visiting a big international city, I didn’t even bother to contact my ‘best friend’ who I knew was based there. Now I know that it was my subconscious protecting me. He chided me when he found out on social media and I apologized to him meekly, instead of saying, “The reason I didn’t connect with you is because you were a fucking asshole to me under the guise of being my best friend, which made it even worse”.?Don’t happen to wonder why I coach people in Authenticity now, do you?

PPS: While the medicine Ayahuasca plays an important role in healing, in retreats such as these where you show up with full intention to do deep work, healing occurs throughout the process and even outside ceremonies as you see here. If you are considering investing in such catharsis, don’t wait.

Okay final thing, where I’m in my life, not only do I feel complete and approach relationships from a space of giving and of course, taking no nonsense, I’m not afraid to be alone. On the contrary I plan multiple days of solitude, sans technology or people (if possible) and look forward to the bliss and wisdom it brings. Didn’t I say I was blessed already?

Much love, raja sampathi

P.S. If you'd like to know what a bullied, traumatized but unaware Raja looked like, I assure you, you'll love this photo:

Pictures are courtesy of that little monkey in the last pic being fed cake, my dearest sister!