HIT THE PAUSE BUTTON! DON’T ENGAGE! DEESCALATE!?

Whoa! There’s a funny vibe happening at work and it’s beginning to feel like a ‘Survivor’ episode.? As the leader, we know we need to be the grown-ups in the room, but what does that look like?

When human beings work together, it’s inevitable that there will occasionally be conflicts. As I mentioned in a recent article “Would you rather be in an echo chamber, or a rock tumbler ”, sometimes there’s noise, friction and rubbing each other up the wrong way during the creative process. Other times, we just rub each other up the wrong way. Perhaps it’s a personality conflict, or a careless word that ignites the tinder. ?

This is not a great position to be in, either as a team member, or as a leader. Things can quickly escalate from ‘irritation’ to ‘aggravation’, impacting relationships, motivation and productivity in a very negative way.? None of us wants that to happen.?

William Ury says: “Choose to Stop and Stop to Choose ” He explains that we are wired to react, and while that may have served us eons ago, in today’s business world, we act in our own worst interests. He uses a quote that really sums it up beautifully:

‘"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret,” is a quote I love to repeat, coined by the nineteenth-century American Civil War veteran and writer Ambrose Bierce.’

He points out that the best way to react and engage in a conflict situation is to disengage. Don’t be pressured by our conditioning in our fast-paced world, to react instantaneously. He has a great way of getting this across:

"Just because the other side may be trying to hook us like a fish, it doesn’t mean we have to bite.”

He goes on to give 3 great ways to hit that ‘pause’ button. You know, that old saying, “count to ten,” before reacting to a provocation. Ury says something similar, as I’ve paraphrased here:

1. Take a few deep breaths. This calms us, decreases production of cortisol, lowers the heart rate and blood pressure, and changes our state of mind.

2. Silence is golden. There may be more truth to that than we realize. Besides not ‘making the best speech we’ll ever regret,’ it’s a known negotiating technique. You’ve probably heard the caveat: ‘He who speaks first loses’. Ury cites an MIT experiment that concluded the correlation between the length of silence and the success of negotiations for the negotiator who remained silent longer.? In the case of conflicts, however, it gives us time to observe, assess, and self-regulate.

3. Ask questions. In Ury’s article, he’s referring to self-awareness, or self-assessment, to understand what has triggered our feelings and reaction responses. I think, that in addition to that, we can ask questions of the others involved in the conflict. Non-confrontational questions. Questions asked in a neutral way to understand what has triggered them. That’s a good way to then find areas of common ground and begin a civil dialog.

All of Ury’s insights are extremely accurate and helpful, both in personal and professional situations. Being a leader who can, with humility, and self-contro l, stand in a conflict and ‘keep their heads while all about them are losing theirs’, is a powerful thing.?

It’s not the easiest thing to master when face-to-face with volatile situations, but, once mastered, it’s a game-changer. When communicating with others digitally, or remotely, along with taking a deep breath, we have to learn to keep our fingers far from the keyboard. Sit on them if necessary.

As I mentioned in “Humility is a SuperPower ”, I’m grateful that Optevo offers the best of immediacy in real-time, and asynchronous communication, while allowing us to take that pause when necessary. If you haven’t read how that works, I’d encourage you to read the article to get the gist of how helpful it is.?

Have you additional strategies to handle conflicts successfully? If so, I’d love to hear about them in the comments.?

#ConflictResolution #WorkManagement