His Boyfriend’s Father: The Gift of Getting Older

I still remember my thirteenth birthday, being asked, “how does it feel being a teenager?”? What a silly question, I thought. The same silly question gets asked again at eighteen, twenty-one, and forty. Nobody asked me when I recently turned sixty. And oddly, it’s the first time I really feel different! I’m noticing how much I’m enjoying being sixty. I’m constantly being surprised in the conversations that come up.

Recently, I participated in the International Gay Coaches Conference, which was filled with compassionate, supportive and powerful men who have committed themselves to making a difference in the world. In this group, we see a younger generation of men sharing strong values and selfless service. I wonder how we might support more of this in the world in general.

After working through an emotional exercise with a fellow participant, in this case, a young man of forty-ish, not named Daniel. After completing our work, he thanked me and said that he wanted to share: "There’s something about you, that reminds me of my first boyfriend….’s father". I simultaneously realized that I don’t remind him of his first boyfriend, and I’m not forty anymore, in spite of my internal worldview that I have never aged. As Daniel struggles to dig his way out of a perceived hole, he explained that it was a compliment, because the man I reminded him of was so loving and supportive, and just what he needed at the time. He said his own parents were less than equipped to provide what he needed.

I assured him I was delighted to accept it only as a compliment.

As we were preparing to leave the conference, I shared with him how much I appreciate the work we did and the joy I got out of his compliment. He went on to add that he and his first boyfriend were only fourteen, and the Dad was only about forty at the time. As a man who didn’t start coming out until I was early twenties, I cannot even imagine being so brave as to come out at fourteen, with unsupportive parents. This man has lived a life of courage and conviction, and easily earned my respect and gratitude.

I aspire to deserve the compliment of reminding him of someone’s loving, supportive father. I hold the intention of living up to it more consistently.

Still having no intention of aging, I think I’m gonna like being the grown up. ??