Hilarious Acronyms in Medicine & Medical slang

Disclaimer: Some viewers/readers may find this offensive. Discretion is advised and this blog needs to be taken in a lighter vein!

Doctors are notorious in using acronyms to describe situations, conditions or status of the patient. While some acronyms are fairly standard and accepted for routine use in day to day medicine, there are some which are confusing and cause miscommunication and can be outright dangerous.

NHS website in UK lists an alphabetical array of acronyms that are commonly seen in medical records and can help a patient understand their medical records better.

These acronyms are by no means acceptable and there is a drive throughout the medical world to flush out the acronyms completely.

While these are "official" acronyms used in medical records, there is a set of acronyms used by medical professionals unofficially and not necessarily documented in medical notes. These could potentially lead to embarrassing scenarios if the party against whom these acronyms or slangs are directed, find out about these and confront the medical professional. (*face in palm*)

There are hundreds of such acronyms and some "highbrowed" geek has actually compiled a webpage arranging these in alphabetical order. Some of these are hilarious, some a bit dark, and some outright outrageous. You can check out the whole list in the link below but I have selected some of the hilarious ones here.

Acute Lead Poisoning - Gunshot wound

AHF - Acute Hissy Fit

Assmosis - promotion by "kissing ass"

Blood-Brain Barrier - surgical drapes.

Blood Suckers - those who take blood samples, e.g. lab techs

Boneheads - orthopaedics

Calling Doctor Blue [to location] - public address system code for "baffling case needing more doctors to take a look in the hope that one of them will know what to do"

CHAOS - Chronic Hurts All Over Syndrome (PTSD/Fibromyalgia, etc.)

Cockroach Factor - a patient's ability to survive trauma or serious treatment is inversely proportional to his contribution to society

Dr Feelgood - a doctor who is indiscriminate about prescribing drugs

FCBP - Fellow of the College of Bystander Physicians i.e. doctor having a look-see

Fighting Darwin - patients refusing essential treatment through stubbornness or stupidity

Freud Squad - psychiatrists

Gassers OR Gas Passers - anaesthetists

GOA - Gone On Arrival (police turn up, ambulance turns up, fire brigade turns up, patient doesn't)

Gorillacillin - very powerful antibiotic

GPH - Goddamns Per Hour

Hallucinoma - a mass seen on a scan or x-ray that wasn't really there

Hepatology Conference - doctors meeting at a pub or bar?

Incidentaloma - a usually benign mass (needing removal) found on a scan while looking for something else entirely

Insurance Pain - Neck pain secondary to a minor car bump

JDLR - Just Doesn't Look Right (something is wrong, but no diagnosis has been made yet)

Kaiser Soze - Registrar with an uncanny ability to disappear (not answer phone or pager) when there is work to be done (from movie 'The Usual Suspects')

Lancelot - a medic who drains abscesses (called Pokemon in the USA)

Lipstick Sign - if a female patient is well enough to put on, she is well enough to be discharged

Liver rounds - staff party, so called because of liver-damaging alcohol

MAFAT (May-fat) - Mandatory Anesthesia Faff Around Time, precedes any incision

MOFAT (Moh-fat) - Mandatory Orthopaedic Faff Around Time, precedes any incision (alternative to MAFAT)

NAD - Not actually done (Also means No Abnormality detected)

Nectar of the Gods - coffee; without which many hospital services would shut down

NETMA - Nobody Ever Tells Me Anything (generally a doctor's gripe on a patient's chart)

NQR - Not Quite Right

NQRITH - Not Quite Right In the Head

Samsonite Positive (Positive Samsonite Test) - someone who turns up in emergency with all their luggage (and insists on being admitted to a ward)

SBI - Something Bad Inside e.g. undiagnosed cancer/unexpected serious condition found when performing surgery

TBD - total body dolor i.e. complains of pain everywhere

TBP - Total body pain

Vitamin P - Lasix (diuretic) given to stimulate urination (peeing) in post-operative patients; can also mean Prozac

WOMBAT - Waste Of Money, Brains And Time

Woolworth's Test - (UK anaesthesia) if a patient can shop in Woolies, it's safe to give a general anaesthetic.

This excerpt taken from the bottom of the webpage really sums it up well

?"......In hospitals, morbid humour, irreverence and euphemism is a way of coping with daily exposure to injury, disease and death. Nowadays, such slang is considered unethical and its use is decreasing in hospitals and surgeries because of the dangers of being sued by patients. However it is being preserved in the medical labs and staff tea rooms where patients do not go! As more and more genuine abbreviations and acronyms come into existence, there is also the danger of being misunderstood."