The High Note with Tara Murney

HELLO!

Welcome to my #newsletter, in this edition I have decided to dedicate it to one particular topic based on messages and my communities needs. This entire newsletter will be focused on rediscovering oneself by shedding the cloak of unwarranted self-sacrifice and stepping into your rightful spotlight!

Here we go!!!

No More Hidden Heroes: Dismantling Self-Less Myths for Greater Self-Actualization

Thursday morning, Dr. Charlson Gaines and myself hosted an audio room solely focused on this topic, we both understand the value and importance of having the tough conversation. Speaking for myself, I see and meet so many people who live everyday for others, everyone sits in the drivers seat EXCEPT them; its about time that ends.

Now, if that sounds like YOU, the one sitting in the passenger seat of your own life, you put everyone first before yourself, you are burnt out, feeling hopeless, have become a "people pleaser and simply accept this as "meh, that's my life" --- this newsletter is for you!

Rediscovering oneself by shedding the cloak of unwarranted self-sacrifice is of immense importance for various reasons, let me list a few:

Personal Growth and Self-Actualization: This process is crucial for achieving one's full potential and realizing personal growth. It allows you to identify your strengths, weaknesses (challenges is a better term actually), passions, and aspirations, which can lead to a deeper understanding of WHO you are at your core and what you want in life.

Mental Health: The practice of constantly prioritizing others over oneself can lead to stress, burnout, and resentment, which can adversely impact mental health as we discussed in depth during yesterday mornings audio room. It's essential to give yourself permission to attend to your own needs and feelings for your emotional wellbeing. It should be a non-negotiable and if its isn't --- it should be starting today!

Self-Esteem and Confidence: Minimizing oneself often results from a lack of self-esteem and self-worth. By stepping into your rightful spotlight, you affirm your value and worthiness, which can boost your self-confidence and how you present yourself to the world and those around you.

Healthy Relationships: Relationships require a harmony of give-and-take. If you're constantly giving and sacrificing for others without taking care of yourself, it can create a power imbalance and foster dependency or worse; resentment. Recognizing your worth and setting healthy boundaries can lead to more balanced and fulfilling relationships.

Effective Leadership: If you're in a leadership role, modeling self-care and self-respect is critical for setting a positive example for your team. It communicates that you value your wellbeing, which can inspire others to do the same. I have seen this time and time again demonstrated by exceptional leadership!

Personal Fulfillment and Happiness: Ultimately, rediscovering yourself and stepping into your rightful spotlight can lead to a more authentic, satisfying, and joyful life. You're more likely to pursue what truly makes you happy when you're not constantly minimizing your needs and wants for others.

This entire process is about living authentically, treating yourself with kindness and respect, and encouraging others to do the same by setting a positive example. Hope you are still with me!

Moving along ...

Minimizing Oneself for Others

Now, let's discuss the whole act of minimizing oneself for others around them.

Minimizing oneself for others is a phenomenon where individuals constantly devalue or sacrifice their own needs, desires, and wellbeing to prioritize those of others.

This often stems from a deeply held belief that others' needs and happiness are more important or worthwhile than their own. This behavior can lead to a sense of martyrdom and an ongoing cycle of self-neglect, burnout, and reduced self-esteem which I have seen over and over.

I will offer you some real-life examples that you may be able to resonate with:

Over-commitment at Work: Consider an employee who regularly stays late, skips breaks, and takes on extra tasks beyond their job description to help their coworkers or please their boss. This person might believe they need to put their colleagues' or boss's needs before their own, leading to chronic stress, burnout, and a lack of personal time. This could be a source as to why so many employees feel burnt out most often.

Parenting Sacrifices: I'm a Mom of 5, I totally understand the concept of putting the children first! As parents, we often prioritize our children's needs above our very own. While care and attention are necessary, many parents might take this to the extreme, giving up their hobbies, their passions, exercise, dates nights with their spouse, neglecting their health, or avoiding professional development. They may believe that being a "good parent" means self-sacrifice, but this can lead to fatigue, resentment, and loss of personal identity. Been there, done that.

Unbalanced Relationships: In personal relationships, one partner might consistently put the other's needs and desires first. They might always agree to the partner's choice of activities, what to have for dinner, what to watch on Netflix, neglect their own emotional needs, or tolerate unhealthy behaviors to avoid conflict. This can lead to an imbalance in the relationship, where one person's needs are always prioritized over the other's. Typically, resentment takes shape.

People-Pleasing: I have struggled with people pleasing for decades and until I recognized the damage it was causing, the fact it was hindering my purpose, my joy, my happiness in life, making me literally ill --- it was depleting! A classic sign of self-minimization is the chronic people-pleaser. They often go out of their way to accommodate others, agree to tasks they don't want to do, saying YES while the voice in their head is screaming NO, and avoid expressing their own needs or opinions for fear of disapproval or conflict. This can lead to a loss of personal autonomy and feelings of being overlooked or taken for granted.

The examples I've shared above illustrate that while some level of compromise and consideration for others is necessary and healthy, consistently minimizing oneself can have detrimental effects on mental health, relationships, and personal growth. Recognizing and addressing this pattern is an essential step toward self-empowerment and overall wellbeing!

The Psychological Underpinnings?

The mindset of self-minimization often has deep psychological roots that can be influenced by various factors such as upbringing, societal expectations, past experiences, and individual personality traits. I want to share a few of the key psychological underpinnings with you all:

Upbringing and Childhood Experiences: People who grow up in environments where their needs were not acknowledged or were consistently put after others may internalize the belief that their needs are less important. This can be especially true in households where children were expected to cater to the emotional needs of their parents or where one child was asked to consistently sacrifice for their siblings.

Cultural and Societal Norms: Some cultures emphasize collectivism and self-sacrifice for the group's needs, which can lead to the adoption of a self-minimizing mindset. Similarly, societal expectations and gender norms often encourage certain groups (particularly women) to prioritize others' needs over their own.

Personality Traits: Individuals with certain personality traits, such as high agreeableness or high neuroticism (as defined in the Five Factor Model), may be more prone to self-minimization. Those high in agreeableness often value harmony and cooperation over personal needs, and those high in neuroticism may minimize themselves due to fears of rejection or conflict.

Low Self-Esteem and Self-Worth: Individuals who have low self-esteem or struggle with feelings of worthlessness may adopt a self-minimizing mindset. They may believe they are undeserving of care and therefore put others' needs and desires before their own. This one in particular is often seen in early childhood, through adolescence and sadly carry it through into adulthood.

Fear of Rejection or Abandonment: Some individuals minimize themselves to avoid rejection or abandonment. By always catering to others' needs and suppressing their own, they hope to keep others around and maintain relationships. Many individuals suffer from early abandonment wounds that stem from childhood.

Past Trauma or Abuse: In some cases, individuals who have experienced trauma or abuse may minimize their needs as a form of self-protection or as a learned response to their traumatic experiences.

The reason why I chose to list these roots is because if one can understand these psychological underpinnings, one can recognize why they may have adopted this mindset and understanding this can guide one towards strategies and therapies that allow for healthier self-concept and relationships; isn't that the goal?

The Impact of Self-Minimization?

Now, let's jump into the impact that this mindset of self-minimization can have! It has a wide-range of effects across various aspects of life, including mental health, career, relationships, and overall quality of life. Let me take a moment to dive into some -

Mental Health: Chronic self-minimization can lead to various mental health issues. By constantly prioritizing others over oneself, individuals can develop feelings of resentment, suppressed anger, and a sense of being overwhelmed. This can contribute to anxiety and depression. Moreover, it may foster a damaging cycle of low self-esteem and diminished self-worth, as individuals may start to believe they are undeserving of care, attention, or respect. I personally lived this experience for a very long time and it almost took my life.

Career: In professional settings, self-minimization can hinder career progression. Individuals might consistently overwork to meet others' needs at the cost of their well-being, leading to burnout. According to Deloitte's survey of 1,000 full-time US professionals, 77% of respondents have experienced employee burnout at their current job, with more than half citing more than one occurrence. They may also shy away from voicing their ideas or opinions, leading to a lack of visibility in the workplace. Their tendency to undervalue their contributions may result in missed opportunities for advancement, promotions, or raises. It could also lead to them accepting less than optimal work conditions or assignments.

Relationships: Within personal relationships, this mindset can lead to imbalance and dissatisfaction. If one person constantly puts the other's needs and desires first, the relationship can become one-sided and create resentment over time. The self-minimizing individual might feel unheard or unappreciated. They may also enable co-dependent relationships, where one person becomes overly reliant on the other, further exacerbating the imbalance.

Physical Health: Over time, the chronic stress associated with self-minimization can also take a toll on physical health. This could manifest as sleep disturbances, digestive issues, weakened immunity, headaches, aches and pains, and even increased risk of chronic diseases such as heart disease and diabetes.

Personal Growth and Happiness: By consistently deprioritizing their needs, individuals can lose touch with their personal interests, passions, and potential. They might forgo activities that bring them joy or fulfillment, thereby decreasing their overall happiness and life satisfaction.

In essence, while some level of selflessness is admirable and often necessary, especially in caring and professional relationships, excessive self-minimization can lead to severe consequences. Recognizing and adjusting this mindset is crucial for maintaining a harmonious and fulfilling life.

Debunking the Myth

Despite what you believe or who has told you, there are no "hero awards" for failing to serve yourself and truthfully, it's a very damaging belief in itself.

The belief that there are "hero awards" for failing to serve oneself is damaging because it perpetuates a cycle of self-neglect and minimization, often leading to physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion. It's rooted in the misconception that the more you sacrifice yourself, the more praise or recognition you'll receive, which is not always true and can result in harmful consequences.

In reality, constantly ignoring or suppressing your needs and desires does not make you a hero; rather, it can make you more susceptible to burnout, reduced productivity, and mental health issues. In addition and speaking from my own experience, it can affect your relationships as constant self-sacrifice can create resentment or imbalanced dynamics. There is NO HERO AWARDS!

Great Examples of Prioritizing Your Wellbeing

There are numerous "successful" people who deeply understand the importance of prioritizing their wellbeing without neglecting their duties towards others. They realize that taking care of themselves allows them to better serve others and fulfill their responsibilities. While you may not be a fan of one or all three of them, they still are great examples of those who prioritize their wellbeing consistently:

Oprah Winfrey : Oprah has often spoken about the importance of self-care and setting boundaries. She understands that to serve others effectively, she first needs to take care of herself. Her focus on mindfulness, meditation, and personal wellness has been a cornerstone of her success and resilience.

Bill Gates: The co-founder of Microsoft, Bill Gates, is known for taking a "Think Week" twice a year, during which he isolates himself in a cabin to read, think, and develop new ideas. This practice demonstrates the importance he places on self-care and reflection for maintaining his productivity and creativity.

Arianna Huffington : After collapsing from exhaustion, Arianna Huffington, the co-founder of The Huffington Post, became an advocate for the importance of sleep and wellbeing. She emphasizes that prioritizing health and self-care has been a critical component of her ability to lead and innovate.

Who is on your list???

The Concept of Self-care and How it's Different from Selfishness

This section brings us to the concept of self-care. What is self care?

Self-care refers to the practice of taking action to preserve or improve one's own health, wellbeing, and happiness. It might involve activities like regular exercise, adequate sleep, balanced nutrition, mindfulness practices, hobbies, or setting healthy boundaries in personal and professional relationships.

It's important to understand that self-care is not the same as selfishness.

Selfishness involves prioritizing your needs to the detriment of others, whereas self-care is about maintaining your physical, emotional, and mental health so you can be the best version of yourself for you and for others.

Self-care recognizes that your needs matter and that it's not only okay but necessary to take care of yourself. It's about striking a balance between meeting your own needs and those of others. In the long run, regular self-care can make you more effective in your personal and professional roles, as you're less likely to experience burnout and more likely to have the energy and emotional capacity to support others; how does that sound? IT IS A NON-NEGOTAIBLE FOR ME :)

ACTIVITY TIME

I thought at this point I could offer you an activity that you can do on your own time; something that I have used for over a decade.

I would like to guide you all through a 6-step self-reflection activity, something in which will allow you to identify instances where you've minimized yourself for others. I also want to encourage you to reflect on how this has impacted your own life and how you might begin to change this habit starting TODAY!

Self-reflection is a powerful tool for recognizing patterns of self-minimization and starting the journey towards change. Here's a guided self-reflection activity that you can follow; ready?

Recognize and Record Instances: I ask that you take a quiet moment to reflect on this past week. Now I want you to identify instances where you've put others' needs or desires before your own, to the point of self-neglect or significant discomfort.

Have you?

Write these instances down, detailing:

1. the situation
2. what you did
3. how it made you feel
4. and what you sacrificed in the process

Impact Analysis: Next, I ask that you analyze each instance and consider its impact on your life. This is where you write down your immediate feelings after each situation and its longer-term effects. This might include feelings of exhaustion, resentment, or regret, impact on your time, mental and physical health, relationships, or work. You get the point.

Identify Patterns: After documenting these instances, I want you to look for common patterns.

• Are you minimizing yourself in particular situations?
• With specific people?
• Or in certain areas of your life?
• Are there recurring feelings or consequences?

Jot them down!

Self-Inquiry: Now, at this point, you should question why you are minimizing yourself in these situations. Is it because:

• Of fear?
• A desire for approval?
• Avoidance of conflict?
• Or feelings of unworthiness?

This step is crucial, it actually can help reveal underlying beliefs or fears driving your behavior ;)

Consider Alternatives: For each instance that you can find, you should think about how you could have acted differently to better balance your needs with those of others. At this point of the activity, I ask that you write down potential alternative responses or actions.

Create an Action Plan: Lastly, you should create a simple action plan for the next week going forward, based on your insights from this activity. This might involve:

• Setting specific boundaries
• Practicing assertive communication
• Dedicating time for self-care
• or seeking professional help like counseling or coaching maybe.

Just put a plan in place :)

How did that simple activity feel?

I want those reading this to understand that change takes time and it's okay to progress at your own pace. You should also consider the importance of self-compassion in this process, as self-judgment or criticism can hinder your progress. I personally find it useful to return to this activity regularly to track progress and adjust your own action plan as needed.

NOTE: the goal is not to swing from self-minimization to total self-focus but to strike a healthier harmony between one's own needs and those of others. And it's important to reinforce the understanding that taking care of oneself is not an act of selfishness but a necessity for overall wellbeing and the ability to effectively care for others :)

Strategies to Stop Self-Minimization

As I finish off this newsletter, I wanted to take a final moment to share some practical strategies and techniques to help stop minimizing oneself for others, drawing from psychological research, self-help advice, and my own personal experiences.

1. Self-Awareness: Begin by cultivating awareness of your patterns of self-minimization. Recognize the situations, relationships, or contexts in which you tend to neglect your needs. Awareness is the first step towards change!
2. Set Boundaries: Learning to set and maintain healthy boundaries is crucial. This could involve specifying how much time you can devote to others' needs, what types of requests you can accommodate, or determining what behavior you find acceptable or unacceptable.
3. Learn to Say No: Saying "no" is an essential skill. It can be uncomfortable, especially if you're used to always saying "yes", but remember that every time you say "yes" to something, you're saying "no" to something else. Prioritize and protect your time, energy, and emotional wellbeing.
4. Cultivate Self-Worth: Engage in activities that help you build a sense of self-worth. This could include pursuing hobbies you love, investing in personal growth, or maintaining a list of personal achievements and strengths. Regularly remind yourself of your inherent value.
5. Mindfulness and Self-Compassion: Practice mindfulness, which involves staying present and non-judgmentally noticing your thoughts and feelings. This can help you recognize instances of self-minimization as they occur. Combine mindfulness with self-compassion, treating yourself with kindness and understanding, as opposed to criticism or judgment.
6. Assertive Communication: Learn to communicate your needs, feelings, and boundaries assertively yet respectfully. This involves expressing yourself in a clear, open, and respectful manner without diminishing your rights or the rights of others.
7. Seek Support: Reach out to supportive friends, family, or professionals like coaches or therapists. They can provide you with an external perspective, emotional support, and strategies to help you stop minimizing yourself.
8. Self-Care: Prioritize self-care in your daily routine. This could include physical activities like exercise, adequate sleep, and a balanced diet, as well as mental health activities like meditation, relaxation exercises, or journaling.

Okay folks, that's my share!

I just want you all to please remember ...

changing deep-seated habits takes time and patience. You will more than likely have days when you slip back into old patterns, but this doesn't mean you've failed.

Use these instances as learning opportunities and continue to make progress at your own pace. Progress not perfection!

The key is to strike a healthy harmony between considering your needs and those of others. In the long run, this "balance" is not only beneficial for you but also for the people around you, as it enables you to engage with them authentically and sustainably!

When we start living and showing up authentically, as our core self ---- life changes dramatically; trust me.

Oh ... WAIT!

Before you go, let me know what you liked, what you would like more of and how I can support you best during your journey!

I love feedback and welcome it all!

NOTE: all artwork was created using ai Midjourney :)

If you know someone that this newsletter could serve, please share it out.

Until next time ...