Hiding is energy draining

In the last training course facilitated by me (called FlowFactor - training course for sustainable team management, you can read more about it here: https://www.dhirubhai.net/.../szilard-marton...) I learned, re-learned and remembered a couple of lessons, and these lessons had a deep impact on me during the program. I managed to compress them into 15 insights. I will share them here one by one. WARNING! It might be a long read - I understand if it is too long for you, and I appreciate it if you choose to read it fully. I will be grateful if once you have read the text, you will share your insights with me, either as a comment or by DM-ing me. Thank you for your care.

Insight number 4: Hiding is energy-draining

?

Cooperation is based on trust. But then: every single human interaction is based on trust. Whatever we do, our actions and reactions, the outcome of every initiative, community action, world perception, successful and unsuccessful projects, building initiatives, wars, even the elimination of polio are based primarily on trust.

?

In our deep impact trainings, we identify 2 major breaking point types: group breaking point and individual breaking point. Let’s call them GBP and IBP. These breaking points are part of the Trainer’s Test, through which every single trainer, facilitator, and coach goes through, whether they know it, or not. The breaking points are crucial moments during the program journey, where the trust towards the facilitator(s) will be tested. These moments are multi-layered, they are a moment of a reality check for everyone, to check whether the participants know what have they signed up for, whether the facilitators know the group and its needs, and whether there is some need that has to be filled, addressed, and balanced. The GBP usually happens somewhere in the first part of the program, the IBPs however, are happening randomly throughout the learning journey, and although they are addressed to the trainer, they often have to do with the trust towards themselves.

?

One of the participants approached me about an issue the participant had. It was about a part of the self, that was considered a shadow part of the participant. This person did everything in their power to suppress and hide this part of the self - found reasons why it is bad, to give space for it; found arguments for why it has to be absolutely suppressed and for forever hidden; found explanations why all of those people who don’t suppress their shadow self are all bad somehow. I sensed that they expected confirmation from me as well since I was considered a person with reason. I couldn’t offer this confirmation with good conscience - I could offer however my perspective.

?

I felt similarly in the case of my shadow parts: that it is something to be ashamed of, something that needs to be hidden, to be apologised for. I was very aggressive towards my shadow-part, and very judgemental as well, and I was hiding. That all changed when I realised that only by including the excluded part I can be a whole person. Those traits are also part of me. And they can become strengths if I allow them to take their place in my life.

?

I also shared with this person that when we are hiding one part of ourselves, we are hiding - full stop. If we are hiding, we can not be authentic, we cannot be truly happy, sad, scared, curious, honest, understanding empathetic, truly caring. We cannot be all these things, because we have “to behave”: we are busy hiding. When we are hiding, we cannot give away what we are hiding. We can be happy, but just how happy can we allow ourselves to be, before it will be too happy - and then it becomes suspiciously happy? The same with anger, sadness, fear, curiosity, honesty, empathy, and care. How much is just enough, but not too much, so it becomes suspicious? Just writing these things down makes me tired. Imagine how tiring it is for the person who is in hiding!

?

As a person who works with people, I know how important it is to be authentic. Acknowledging whatever there is, the so-called good and bad, owning my mistakes, challenging my own ego and sharing my vulnerable moments are all crucial for the process of understanding the world and making myself understood. Working with fellow humans can be challenging at times, and I know how hard would be if I were also busy with hiding. I find this a luxury that I cannot afford.

?

I pointed out, that if this is true, and this person is in hiding, they miss out on so much in life! Joy, laughter, fun, and of course sadness, anger - all of these are healthy and they have to have a way of getting out of our system. If these things get stuck in the body, they can have serious long-term effects. Also: the things that we want to hide make us human. It should be accepted to get angry from time to time. It should be accepted to be sad, and also to be happy.

We share these states and emotions, and through them, we open spaces where we can connect. Trust is built by connection, no matter if we are talking about trust towards ourselves or towards other people. Through the support that we are getting from others, and the acceptance that we are receiving from our surroundings and from ourselves through kindness we are finding ways to channel whatever we are willing to hide while making the process of this “shadow-management” more and more sustainable through practice. And with this support comes trust towards ourselves and the world.

?

Everybody wants to connect with a trustworthy person. Usually, they are also trusting as well. With this energy of trust, a world of opportunities will arise, and the energy spent earlier on hiding will be spent on mapping out these opportunities and checking them out.

?

Bhante Henepola Gunaratana said, that

Mindfulness gives you time. Time gives you a choice. Choices, skillfully made, lead to freedom.

?

In my understanding, this mindfulness thing can be achieved only by somebody who is not busy hiding. The hiding person is also mindful, to a certain extent, but they are also anxious, they could even be in fear and often agitated. These states tend to trigger survival instincts and when we are surviving, we cannot really see what choices, what opportunities we have in life.

?

The participant during the second half of the training started to speak their mind more and more. Expressing frustration, and anger, even making themselves visible in moments when they would stay invisible for quite a while. Once they saw that expressing what is in them has received a positive reaction, they started to do it more and more, and with more confidence. It was inspiring to see this journey, for me and my colleagues as well.

?

Truth be told: I am still in the process of stopping this hiding process of mine. Sometimes it goes better usually under certain circumstances, other times does not go well at all. In these moments I close up. I know it is a process, and I learned to be more and more kind to myself while I am navigating these waves.

If you are hiding, you can start with this: being kind to yourself. Then you could create for example an action list of how to start the process of showing yourself, integrating whatever is there to be integrated. Reach out to others, friends, professionals, and whoever you trust, but you have to know, that nobody will do the job instead of you. Yet it is a fun endeavour: discovering that your weakness is actually your strength - what an adventure it is! Are you ready to dive in?