The Hidden Lives of Success: Recognising Verbal Abuse in Relationships
Even those who seem highly successful, self-assured, and grounded may carry invisible scars from verbal abuse behind closed doors. Verbal abuse can leave a lasting impact, reaching deeply into every area of life and eroding personal and professional well-being. Many people may not even recognise it as a form of domestic violence, but it is; it wears down one's mental health, sometimes so gradually that it goes unnoticed. Recognising the signs, whether in ourselves or our colleagues, is vital, as abuse can be just as damaging without yelling as it can with harsh, loud words.
Understanding Verbal Abuse: A Form of Domestic Violence
Verbal abuse can manifest in many ways, from passive-aggressive remarks to persistent criticism or manipulation. It’s often subtle, almost undetectable to outsiders but still deeply damaging. For those affected, it can lead to feelings of unworthiness, isolation, and even physical health problems over time. In workplaces, signs of verbal abuse may be challenging to notice, but someone experiencing it might become withdrawn, unusually apologetic, or unsure of their own work, showing changes in their focus, confidence, or enthusiasm. The impact of these private struggles can be far-reaching, affecting not only personal well-being but also professional performance.
The Personal Effects of Ongoing Verbal Abuse
The personal toll of verbal abuse is profound. It can create self-doubt, erode one’s self-worth, and cause persistent trauma that lingers quietly, shaping how one perceives the world and themselves. Personally, I’ve experienced this gradual wearing down of self-worth through my past relationships. In one, I was spoken to as though I didn’t matter and I faced outright physical abuse, with a partner throwing a plate of dinner at me during an alcohol-fueled incident. At the time, I didn’t even recognise this as abuse, or that it had a name. Later in life, I encountered further trauma as a foster parent, when the youngest child we fostered with a troubled past regularly acted out physically. In one particularly hard incident, my husband was strangled, and I was left with bruises and scratches. The experience left me deeply affected, feeling both sorrow and worry for the child who had clearly endured so much pain.
Seeking Support and the Value of Workplace EAP
Counseling and working with behavioural psychologists has been essential in my journey, helping me unravel layers of trauma going back to my parents’ separation and years of other painful experiences. Fortunately, there are resources available to support those affected by abuse. In particular, many workplaces offer Employee Assistance Programs (EAP), which provide confidential counseling at no cost to employees. EAP sessions typically start with three sessions but can sometimes be extended to six, fully covered by the employer, and can address non-work-related issues like abuse, stress, or trauma. If you or someone you know has not tried EAP and is experiencing any form of abuse, this service is an accessible and effective place to begin seeking help.
Different forms of counseling cater to diverse needs. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can help reframe thought patterns, while trauma-informed therapy provides a safe space to explore unresolved emotions. My own journey with counseling, including sessions with Victim Support, has allowed me to dive into my subconscious, discovering parts of myself that needed healing. Whether through EAP, private counseling, or support organizations, seeking professional help offers an essential first step in healing.
Building a Foundation for Healing: Surrounding Yourself with Platinum People
Healing often involves connecting with supportive, encouraging people—“platinum people”—who bring positivity, compassion, and authenticity into your life. Creating boundaries with relationships that drain or harm you and finding those that lift you up is crucial for recovery. Relationships, whether at home or work, should encourage growth, trust, and a shared sense of value.
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Giving kindness to others is an impactful way to foster connection and healing. Simple gestures—genuine compliments, taking time to acknowledge someone’s efforts, or simply offering a listening ear—make others feel seen and appreciated. By being fully present in these small moments, we foster positivity in our own lives and in the lives of those around us.
Closing Thoughts: Kindness as a Ripple of Change
Verbal abuse is real, and its effects can be devastating. But with supportive resources, professional help, and a strong circle of encouraging people, healing is possible. Removing oneself from harmful relationships or working to repair and heal them is essential, as is committing to a self-healing journey surrounded by people who build you up.
Let’s make it a habit to offer kindness to those who may need it. Acknowledging others’ efforts and sharing genuine compliments can have a profound impact, not just for them but for ourselves as well. Today, and every day, offer kindness, be present, and show others they are valued.
New Zealand Counseling Resources
For those affected by abuse or seeking support, here are some valuable resources available in New Zealand:
Remember, support is out there, and reaching out is the first step toward healing.