The Hidden Culprit Behind Your Daily Struggles

As a California-based depth psychotherapist, I spend most of my time exploring the human psyche and the roots of our suffering. Through my work and clinical practice, I’ve found the reason people suffer is not what you might expect. It's not trauma, stress, or even external circumstances. It's something far more insidious and pervasive: assumptions.

95% of the problems we face in our day-to-day lives stem from assumptions. These mental shortcuts, while sometimes useful, often lead us astray. We assume someone won't like us, that we're not good enough, that we'll be judged, or that we'll get in trouble. But here's the kicker: most of these assumptions are entirely unfounded.

Assumptions don't just affect our personal lives; they have far-reaching consequences:

1. Conflicts: Misinterpreted intentions or actions can spark unnecessary arguments.
2. Stereotyping and prejudice: Making judgments based on limited information perpetuates harmful biases.
3. Misinformation: Assuming something is true without verification leads to the spread of false information.
4. Leadership failures: Incorrect assumptions about what others want or need can derail even the most well-intentioned leaders.

Perhaps the most harmful and common place where assumptions rear their ugly head is in romantic relationships.

How often have you assumed your partner was mad at you, only to discover they were dealing with an entirely unrelated issue? These unfounded beliefs can lead to passive-aggressive behavior, reinforcing a harmful dynamic of miscommunication.

Imagine this scenario:

1. You assume: "My wife is mad at me."
2. You scan for reasons, getting increasingly upset about the inevitable conflict.
3. Reality check: She's actually sad because a coworker treated her poorly earlier.

This disconnect creates a cycle of imagined suffering, unnecessary conflict, and self-fulfilling prophecies that complicate our lives daily.

As a therapist, some of the most impactful work I do with couples involves identifying assumptions and replacing them with curiosity and belief. Here's how you can start this journey:

1. Practice mindfulness: Be present in the moment and observe your thoughts without judgment.
2. Cultivate curiosity: Instead of assuming, ask questions and seek to understand.
3. Communicate openly: Express your feelings and thoughts clearly, and encourage your partner to do the same.
4. Challenge your beliefs: Regularly examine your assumptions and ask yourself if they're based on facts or fears.

When we live in a world of imagined and unnecessary suffering, we create our own personal hell. But there's hope. By killing our assumptions and fostering honest connections, we can break free from this self-imposed prison.

Remember: Be present. Get curious. Foster honest connections. Your path to a more fulfilling life begins with challenging those assumptions that hold you back.