The Hidden Costs of Masking

What is Masking?

Have you ever walked into a meeting, put on your brightest smile, and tried to sound confident, even though you feel completely out of place? Inside, you're exhausted from trying to sound more polished, more knowledgeable, or just "normal." Or maybe you keep smiling even when you feel empty and drained, just because you want people to like you. You keep doing it, even though you’re not really showing who you are. It's like wearing a permanent mask.

How Does Masking Show Up?

For many people, masking feels like something that happens every single day. You wear different "masks" depending on where you are, at work, with your family, or hanging out with friends. And after a while, you forget who you really are. You hide your true self—your quirks, your opinions, even your boundaries and needs, just to fit in with the crowd you're around. It’s like an unwritten “dress code” for your personality: keep it neutral, keep it professional, and, for the love of PowerPoint, keep it uncontroversial. The problem with these masks is that most people don’t even notice them. It’s not like you wake up in the morning and decide, “Today, I’ll pick the ‘successful man? mode’ mask.” It happens mostly on autopilot, subtly stripping away your authenticity.

What Do People Mask, and Why Do They Do It?

A lot of times, masking comes from a deep fear of being unlovable or not good enough. You might believe that who you truly are isn’t worthy of acceptance or care. So, you wear masks to protect yourself, hoping that the parts of you that feel “too much” or “not enough” never get revealed.

What's the Price You Pay for Masking?

Constantly suppressing parts of yourself takes a toll. Here’s what can happen when you mask:

• Burnout: Pretending to be someone else all day is seriously exhausting. Who knew smiling through a 3-hour meeting could feel like running a marathon?
• Disconnection: The more you mask, the harder it is to build real, meaningful relationships. You can’t bond when you’re busy playing a role.
• Identity Erosion: The more you mask, the more you lose touch with your true self. You might start wondering, Do I really enjoy this, or am I just pretending to fit in? Over time, you could forget what you truly value, like your sense of humor or personal beliefs. At work, this might mean you start prioritizing office norms over your own values—and that never feels great.
• Missed Leadership Opportunities: Believe it or not, people can sense when you’re masking. Leaders who mask often struggle to connect with their teams on a personal level, which can lead to mistrust. team might view them as insincere, even if they’re doing a great job.?
• Imposter Syndrome: Masking feeds into feelings of being a fraud. If you’re constantly pretending to fit in, even though you’re capable and skilled, it’s easy to feel like you don’t belong.
• Loneliness: When you’re always “masked” people only get to know the version of you that’s performing, not the real you. This can leave you feeling isolated, even in a crowded space.

How to Drop the Mask(s)?

The first step to changing is simply noticing that you’re masking. Be curious about why you feel the need to hide certain parts of yourself. What parts of you are you trying to protect? It helps to have the right tools when you do this work. One of them is the IFS (Internal Family Systems) framework, which is great for understanding your "masks" and exploring the parts of yourself that you hide from others. You’ve got to be brave and sit with emotions you might want to avoid. It’s not easy, but it’s the most effective way to “unmask” Start experimenting. What happens when you show up as your true self? How do people react? Will they really reject you, or judge you? And if they do, ask yourself this: Would I want to be around people who don’t accept me for who I truly am? Keep discovering who you really are—it’s a journey worth taking.

Where Could That Lead You?

Dropping your mask can lead to a life filled with joy being yourself, self-acceptance, and creativity. You’ll form authentic connections with others and feel deeply satisfied with the journey of self-discovery. And, most importantly, you’ll experience true self-love.