Hey Zafira, have you ever experienced Racism?

Let's start by saying that this is my opinion, and not that of my employer. :) Personal. And written pretty raw, and from the heart. 100% Zafira.

More than 2 dozen times since George Floyd's tragic death, I've been asked this question. I've been counting. Before I dig into this topic - first and foremost: I'm gutted. As a Person of Colour, a mom, a human. I can not imagine what the Floyd family and those that knew George personally are experiencing.

Yes. I've experienced Racism and Discrimination. It's been from different perspectives. Systemic. Ignorance. Bias - Implicit, Explicit. Hate. The answer is yes. Like anything that tries to beat me down in my life, I have tried my best to pivot that disadvantage with resiliency. That's ultimately why my career has led me to specialize and advocate for Diversity & Inclusion (D&I). I try, quite intentionally, to live my life as a hybrid of diversity, and yet I never talk about my own experiences outside of when I'm speaking professionally. I've also experienced inclusion. But this isn't about that.

Let's Get Real: Who am I really? What do I mean a "hybrid of diversity"? Why do I get to even a say? Reinforced by each and every "defining" diverse component of my life, my mama raised me to ask not "why me?" but "why not me?" and that is the foundation of my being.

I have brown privilege: I was raised in a 2-parent home with vibrant community minded parents, a mom who had represented as the youngest woman at the UN Commission on the Status of Women, who's work led her to support countless Ugandan refugees; a dad whose accepting, entrepreneurial spirit could not be shattered. In addition to the typical Ismaili professionals for aunts and uncles, our table often had extended family - community Orators and Authors - making Diversity, Inclusion, Debate & Advocating normal discourse. This was further cemented with "The National" as my nightly bedtime narrative. This has led to a fortunate career with amazing organizations, providing mentors and colleagues to learn from every day - be they thought leaders, recipients of the Order of Canada, Governor General's or Webster Awards. I'm typical. I'm a cis-gendered female. I was a big sister. I'm Canadian born and raised. A prairie-girl. I'm an active volunteer & contributor to civil society. I have a "white collar, non unionized" job.

I am also "other". I'm a Shi'a Ismaili Muslim. I'm brown. I'm a 2.5 generation Canadian. My parents had/have accents when speaking English. I'm the sole care giver of my surviving parent. I'm both an ethnic & religious minority & majority within my minority. I'm in a mixed race relationship. I fluently speak 9 languages and work in my second and fifth ones. I'm a adoptive single mom by choice. I'm an only surviving child. I used to be a fat girl and in my mind, I still am. I'm a survivor of unspeakable personal violence. I'm seasoned with grief and loss. I'm a little sister, by choice (SBC). I am #unsilenced. I am afraid.

At our table: Today, in my home, Diversity and Inclusion is still a topic, all the time. Joining me at my table? An eclectic family: My diversely-abled, widowed parent; special needs child; white, 4th+ generation British-Canadian, blue-collar, unionized fiancé; 1st-generation Italian-Canadian Muslim SBC; god daughter; my son's Italian and Brazilian Canadian LGBTQ++ godfathers; in-laws; extended white and brown families. The byproduct of our diverse composition forces intentional persona growth and mindful inclusion. Break bread with us, you'll regularly chat about women in the trades, gender transitioning at work, elder care, parenting through the pandemic, what it's like at Eid for my fiancé & SBC, how differently we were all raised, the modern world of "walking on egg-shells". You'll hear us with friends & family laying out how we expect them to engage at our table, about inclusive language, spoken language, and the right to speak in language of birth. What do I say tho those in my personal life? Behave as though My Mom is watching: Respectfully. Gracefully. Curiously. Kindly.

Let me give you a few real life micro-anecdotes. And they happened to me.

• Grade 2, Friends House: "What do you mean you can't eat pepperoni pizza. What's wrong with you people? That's not normal!"
• Grade 4, Elementary school: Male student:"Hey Paki breath, doesn't your mom know how to cook food that doesn't stink like a Paki?" I'd had tomato soup for lunch. I didn't eat it again until University. (Paki btw, means “pure”).
• Grade 7-9. Middle School: "Wig Woman, why is your hair so afro?" (It's curly.)
• 20's Work. South Korea: People can't comprehend I'm Canadian with brown skin. I must be "Indo" as I'm not "Black" or "White". Always asked for my passport to prove I'm not an illegal migrant. Day after 9-11: It's raining and I have dinner plans at a restaurant opening with my boss' family. I hail a cab - once I get in, the cabbie, looks at me and screams "TERROR" as he drives at a break-neck speed. He locks me in the car and runs for help into the police station. Luckily, the precinct officer recognizes me from a high visibility ad-campaign my employer had run. He drives me to dinner in a squad car. I sat in the back.
• Since 9:11 - Airports: All over the world- pulled over for extra security. Cotton swabs between my toes to check for ...? Inappropriate comments from border guards: "don't you have your own family that you're coming HERE at XYZ time of year? What's wrong with you people?" Having held jobs that required me to travel, I learned how to dress, how to walk, and travel so light that I always made my flights.

How I feel: Does it upset me? Absolutely. Is it something I can change? Not on my own. "Well that's great, Zafira but me? I'm not Racist. This isn't about me". There's a role for everyone of us here. Let's stop the "you people" and make it about us.

1. First, please don't fall into the trap of saying "I'm an Ally". Your actions speak louder than words. In a recent conversation, someone asked me if "Black Lives Matter" is just about black people. It is and it isn't. Even in these times, without the water cooler to help us build relationships - there are things each of us can do. So that the world our kids grow up in, the world we leave behind is one where All Lives Matter. And we all have our bias and privilege in check. If you want to talk about building a diversity council, a mentorship program, being more inclusive in your homes - reach out. Everyone has the ability to demonstrate inclusion.
2. You, and I, need to educate ourselves. Know your history. The Canadian Education system is lacking. In school, I learned things my SBC didn't - and the only difference was provinces. The systemic racism that people of African descent have experienced globally is well documented. And we're getting better at talking about it. As are we about the mistreatment of indigenous peoples in many countries - but not all. Colonialism impacted different places differently: In Africa - blacks, in India - browns, in Canada - the First Nations, Métis & Inuit. Learn about the WWII Internment of the Canadian-Japanese. Read about the Chinese and Indian migrant labourers who built the Canadian infrastructure. Let's first make good on our collective, national past.
3. Perception Matters. We have to be within their skin to understand their experience. No, they're not being "sensitive". No, they're not being "racist" by supporting "Black Lives Matter" instead of "All Lives Matter" Yes. All Lives Matter. But if you don't acknowledge that different people have different experiences, you're not aware of your privilege - and you're not helping the solution. I have brown privilege – that means while I am mostly safe where I live, there are fundamental things that I am constantly afraid of. Acknowledge the differences.
4. It's not fair. Accept this: Our experiences influence our ability to speak and engage on this topic. Yes - it depends on who you are. No, that's not fair. If you've never given birth, you can't speak to what that "feels like". If you've not experienced marginalization based on colour, ethnic origin, gender, religion, diverse-abilities, parenting choices, etc - you can't tell someone who is experiencing it that it did/didn't happen, or pass judgement on the legitimacy or validity of their experience. It's not up to you to say it did or didn't happen.
5. Language leads to Mindful Inclusion. Representing Diversity isn't enough. Intention is king. Ask yourself why you're saying something: I gave an example recently of a male friend who wears a turban (Sikh religious headwear). His turban often matches his clothing. And regularly, someone comments. "I love your matching look!" Shift your paradigm: How often would you say to a visible majority colleague: "I love your hairclip, it matches your pants"? We're cautious not to compliment female colleagues to avoid crossing that line of sexual harassment. Would you tell: a Muslim woman with a hijab, a traditional Jehovah's Witness, Mennonite or LDS woman with her head covered that you "love that her head covering matches her skirt"? An orthodox Jewish man that his yamaka compliments his eyes? That's implicit bias. Now, I happen to know that my friend loves that people give him positive reinforcement on his coordination, but I also know that at the end of the day, his goal is not to get attention, it's to be recognized as a professional. (Though, the variety in his turban collection rivals my purse one!)
6. It's by Talking the Talk that we will Walk the Walk. Your intention influences others energy: Use inclusive language: Don't expect diverse people to dumb things down for you. If someone uses the term "Mosque" or "temple" - ask them what the original term is. It may be jamat khana, gurdwara, synagogue, masjid or mandir. If someone identifies as non-binary (gender), don't disrespect them by using cis-gendered terms. Don't tell the fat-person they're fat. Whether it's reclaiming the N-Word, or calling ones self "Brown" - help us normalize language and be empathetic as we try to shift the power balance & take back what hurts - We're not Racist, we're wounded. Words can hurt.
7. Food is a mechanism for inclusion. Lately, with COVID-19, I've really returned to my roots in the kitchen. Diversity and Inclusion fights to be recognized when I cook and someone comments "it tastes good, but I'm used to "Normal". Or my partner asks "what's it called in English?". Well, Spaghetti (Italian) is Spaghetti. Kimchi (Korean) is Kimchi. Guess what? Khichri (Gujarati) is Khichri. (I will concede though, at his request: Topra Paak with Chocolate Ganache is a home-made Bounty Bar:)) The English Language is difficult to learn because we so easily adopt words from other languages - and that's one place we can systemically be inclusive - I close with this one, because it's easy. Even while at home, to try a new food, to share a recipe with a colleague, to drop off a care package. Be inclusive of yourself. Use the right language. Be proud that your "normal" might be different than someone else's.

Change happens one step at a time. Today: my son calls his skin "Peach" and smiles in awe when he tans. Reminiscent of a trip "Back Home" and a gift from an uncle of a "black doll", our home has diversely-abled toys, and racially diverse dolls. My office has a Zen garden, a talking stick & an open door. We eat foods from every country, every cuisine. My son doesn't know that it's unusual to go between Kimchi & Athanu, Congee & Khichri, Samosa & Spanokopita, Tortilla & Roti. He just knows "healthy food". At my recent engagement party, I shared a thought from a letter my mom had written me: "You are diversity in itself.... We chose a country where differences are valued." She quoted P.E. Trudeau, and his views on Diversity. She passed away in 2004 - before JT became Prime Minister - If I could channel her, she'd say: Do better Canada. I know we can. Let's get our house in order.

I've gone back and added resources for you all - if you're so inclined.

If you're a parent, consider these children's books: The Girl with the Brave Heart; Back Home ; The Boy Who Grew Flowers ; The Family Book

And these for adults: 21 things you may not know about the Indian Act; Working Effectively with Indigenous Peoples; The Transgender Guidebook; White Fragility; Calling the Circle