Hey Mom!Hey Dad!Am I doing good???

Many of us have been raised to be a “Good Child” & today also we come across many parents who believe in this approach of raising a child.Though no one can concretely define what a good child is,we invariably attribute this sobriquet to a kid;

Who obeys parents & all elders without questioning.

Who never gets into a conflict with peers.

Who never reasons with family & friends.

Who never questions anyone’s authority over him or her.

Who follows instructions verbatim.

Who is always a joy for parents.

Who never troubles parents with his/her imaginative curiosity.

So on & so forth…and most importantly…Who seeks validation for all of above.

My focus is not “what a good child is”,my concern is “why children seek validation for anything they do & do they really need it’.The only reason is that those who have been conditioned like this in their own childhood,they do the same to their own children.They have been raised with this notion that getting a validation is more important than completing the task itself.On surface it might seem as a motivator, but if you delve deep into this entire dynamics,you will understand that it’s actually detrimental to a child’g progress.

Let me quote my own experience.During one of my workshops on “Effective Communication Skills” for school teachers,I was conducting a Q & A session.Before any other questions of significance,three teachers asked me just one question…

”Will we receive participation certificates for this seminar?”.

They might have their own reasons for asking but it pushed me to think that where is the source of giving so much importance to any kind of validation,a certificate, anyway,is a written validation of attending a seminar.It appeared that for them getting a certificate was far more important than attending the seminar,learning from it or just enjoying the session.

If parents make their validation so much important that a child looks up for it after doing even a small task,then they probably are robbing the child of the sheer joy of doing a task.The child then will start doing things for being validated & not for completing or enjoying the work.You might have noticed a toddler falling down while playing & looking at everyone around silently & the moment anyone attends or sympathises,he starts crying loudly.The more he is being asked to stop crying,the louder he cries.If no one pays any attention,he cries a little & starts playing again.

This also is a validation seeking strategy of children.If you do not validate all the time ,children will focus on activities,not on getting validation.

As discussed earlier,when parents make their validation so very important,children also feel that getting validated is way more crucial than doing task or the enjoyment attached to it.When parents say “Very Well Done” or just “Good Job” frequently,they feel they are motivating their children & it’s true also from one perspective.But the message their children get is “You are good for me when I validate your work”.This also means when parents like the kind of work children do,they validate it & when children do something on their own that parents do not like,they will not validate it. In a sense,children will need to do tasks of their parents’ choice,not their own choice, to win approval from them.So the message string that reaches children is something like this…

I like you when I validate your work-->I validate your work when I like your work--> My liking for you depeneds on my validation of your work

Now consider the mirror image of this message…

I do not like you when I do not validate your work--> I do not validate your work when I do not like your work-->My disliking for you depends on my invalidation of your work

You can well imagine the kind of conditioning such children get & what effects it can have when they grow.They will grow as validation hungry children who will always seek validation from anyone & everyone in order to confirm & reconfirm whether they are doing something right.They may never undertake any task for sheer pleasure attached to it unless someone validates it.If ever they do something of their own choice,they will always be apprehensive of it’s worth.It not only robs children of the enjoyment & excitement of a task,it also robs them of their confidence of choice, their independent thinking,their vigour & passion,their fearlessness,their full potential and what not.They might grow to become a pleaser who will need validation to assure themselves of their worth.

The biggest harm this validation-seeker mentality does to the children is “To rob them of their most authentic self.

The children start seeking validation from parents for their WORK & may end up seeking validation from everyone & anyone for their WORTH.

If ,as parents,you really want to help your children growing to their full potential,

Do spare them of your constant validations & let them who they really are!!!

These lines summarises the whole idea beautifully…

Seeking validation will keep you trapped.You don’t need anyone or anything to approve of your worth.When you understand this you will be free.

Copyright-Prameel Mishra

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