Here's How to Stop Power Struggles - (Part 2)

You want what's best for your child and would do anything to help your child shine. You wish you could somehow help your child overcome his handicaps, but nothing you do seems to be helping. And the worst part is that your home environment has become one of negativity and fighting. At night you lay awake in bed, wondering why, once again, the day ended in fighting and tension when you promised yourself, again and again, that you would stay calm.

But without changing the home environment, real progress is exceedingly difficult. The negative environment precludes real growth.

One of the key reasons for all this negativity is fighting and power struggles between parent and child. We know how these struggles bring out the worst in both our children and ourselves. But what can we really do? We can't afford to ignore all of a child's misbehaviors, both for the child's own sake as well as for the sake of everyone living in the home. 

What can you do, then, to help change the home environment from negativity and stress to one of happiness and empowerment?

In the last article, we discussed how merely understanding and being aware of the makeup of power struggles helps tremendously in stopping them from happening to begin with. 

For a full explanation of the dynamics of the power struggle, refer back to the article titled "How yo Stop Having Power Struggles . For now, let me give you a quick recap. 

Power struggles aren't merely situations where negativity fuels negativity, but rather ones where each interaction intensifies those very same feelings of threat and emotional exhaustion that caused the conflict to begin with, and therefore feeds into the painful cycles. 

Acting out is seldom done from malice. Instead, we act out due to one of three reasons.

1- We feel threatened.

2- We currently lack the ability to interact in a more reasoned way.

3-We aren't empowered to respond more appropriately.

Being aware of this process allows us to recognize those feelings in ourselves and our children so that we can learn  to react in ways that lower tension and emotional exhaustion instead of adding fuel to this cycle of conflict.

In this column, I work hard on keeping things straightforward and pragmatic. For the first time, I devoted an entire column to theory because being aware of the idea can, by itself, make a tremendous difference.

Besides understanding the situations, what else can you change to stop these interactions?

The first step is to move away from over-focusing on parental demands.

Of course, as parents, we often have to say no, but we don't want the no to be what we focus on because focusing on demands raises the feelings of tension and emotional exhaustion. Instead, we want to say no as few times as possible and concentrate on empowerment and empathy while holding our child accountable.

This can be tricky, so let's break this down into categories:

1- Demands that we make of our children 

2- Demands that our children make of us.

Demands that we make of our children: When we make demands of children who have a difficult time following orders, we want to put our primary focus on empowerment and empathy.  In our last column, we discussed the story of Chaim.* He had come home after a long day where he struggled in school. Upset, he threw his knapsack and coat on the floor and began running outside. Feeling threatened, his mother reacted with force, which only escalated the situation.

Instead of immediately demanding, Mrs. Friedman can start by saying, "I know you really want to go outside (empathy), and you'll be able to go outside (empowerment) as soon as you put away your things (demand)." By doing this, Mrs. Friedman puts her primary focus on empowerment and empathy while still keeping her demands in place. This lowers the feelings of tension which contribute to the conflict cycle. It also focuses on empowerment, which is the key to all growth.

When our children make demands of us: In situations where children make demands of us, we can't always empower and validate. In situations such as these, we want to say no as few times as possible and then empathize and empower without focusing on the no.

Let me give you an example to explain this idea better. Menashe* has been struggling with friends for years. He is anxious about the situation, especially at the start of a new year, and is feeling apprehensive. He then comes up with what to him sounds like a beautiful idea. He will have his parents buy him X, and his struggles will end. Friends will flock to him, and his social struggles will all but disappear. 

Situations such as these are ripe for power struggles because both Menashe and his parents are under pressure and feel tense. Menashe is anxious because of his difficulty with friends and Menashe's parents are worried because of Menashe's request and their fear about where such a thing will lead. If his parents react with force, a power struggle is almost inevitable. 

Because of this, it would be best if Menashe's parents can stay away from focusing on their refusal to purchase X. Instead, his parents can say no, just once. When this refusal to heed his demands leads Menashe to act out and react, his parents can validate his frustration and pain without further focusing on the no.

Responding this way is definitely very difficult, especially in the heat of the moment;  therefore, practicing this technique in calmer interactions is crucial. As we focus on moving away from regularly focusing on our demands, we will find it somewhat easier, even when under stress.

There's no question that doing this is difficult and takes tremendous willpower and patience, but this technique can bring real results. Being aware of how our reactions fuel power struggles together with moving from focusing on no to empathy and empowerment can, with s'd, go a long way towards stopping power struggles.