Here’s to great fathers

Welcome to Swag-HER!: Your Career, Your Way, a newsletter for professional women and their allies! We’ll explore how to break through the barriers to your success, making space for the career - and life -? you want.

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I’ve been thinking a lot about my dad recently. It was his birthday and my parents’ anniversary a few weeks ago, and with Father’s Day just around the corner, I’ve been reflecting a lot on how he continues to influence my life.?

My dad was my first mentor, and just remembering his words can make me feel like I can do anything I set my mind to. He talked about his job at the dinner table and engaged us, teaching me a love of business. When he passed, far too early, I was at a loss. I was turning 30, a pivotal time, and for the first time I understood how truly short our lives are. It was an aha moment that led me to go after some changes in my life and in my career, changes that would set me up for the long term.?

When I do workshops or keynotes, men often approach me to ask about their own mirrored doors, and many of their questions revolve around fatherhood. They want to play a bigger role in their children’s lives, to be more involved than their own fathers, and they need work-life balance and flexibility, too. They want to know how to be more involved in their daughters’ lives. They want to know how to talk about and handle difficult situations. They want to engage and mentor at home and at work and don’t always know how.?

Gendered expectations can be a double-edged sword in the same way they are for women, and becoming more aware of them is the best thing men (and women) can do for their children — and themselves.?

Out with the old…?

Just like women, men are susceptible to antiquated ideas about how they’re “supposed” to act, and these messages are difficult to escape. Men are protectors and providers. They are worthy when they have power, money, status, and influence. In a “man up” culture, asking for help, sensitivity, and displaying emotion is discouraged (unless it’s anger or aggression).?

When it comes to fatherhood, harmful stereotypes abound. Men are “absent fathers,” or are workaholics who aren’t interested in their children. They’re incompetent, with no idea how to change a diaper or run the dishwasher. They’re breadwinners, solely responsible for the financial wellness of their families. Men don’t hug their kids, they dish out the discipline. The list goes on and on. Sure, some stereotypes are rooted in truth, but it’s my experience that most men have no desire to fall into those roles —?even if their own dads did.?

People of all genders receive this messaging from an early age — it’s practically in the water – and that lifelong socialization has real consequences for men’s wellbeing and for their relationships with their children. Children are observant from a young age, and research shows that they will begin to copy and mimic the actions that they see around them. That means that these harmful messages are often passed down, a cycle that’s tough to break.?

Maybe it’s time to recognize and open the mirrored door that men face, too.??

… In with the new

As awareness grows, more men are choosing a different path than their dads did. Decades ago, fathers were less involved in childcare and household tasks, primarily contributing to the family through their work. But today, households are more likely to have two parents working, requiring a more equitable division of labor. Modern dads are making positive changes in the way they parent and in the way they share the load with their partner, spending nearly triple the amount of time on childcare and more than double the amount of time on housework as compared to previous generations. I know this is off of a small base, but it’s still progress.?If you’re on social media, you’ll see video after video of dads doing their daughter’s hair or learning a dance routine.?

When fathers do defy old messaging, children benefit. Children with more involved dads have fewer legal issues, teen pregnancies, divorce rates, and substance abuse. They have better literacy and math skills, and reduced gender stereotypes and aggression. Fathers can serve as positive male role models for their sons, and they shape their daughters' expectations and interactions with men.

While this is all incredibly positive news, there is still work to be done. However, based on my own conversations, I know there are many men out there who want to do this work, but are unsure where to start at home or in the workplace. While there isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution, I can recommend these resources.

• The Good Men Project offers timely advice and insightful articles for boys and men about healthy masculinity, and has a section devoted to fatherhood.
• Good Guys: How Men Can Be Better Allies for Women in the Workplace, a book by David G. Smith and Brad Johnson on allyship. Check out their YouTube video too.?
• Fatherly provides resources for men who want to raise great kids and lead more fulfilling adult lives, including expert advice and original reporting.?

As anyone who has lost a parent or child knows, our time with our children can be woefully short, but our impact looms large. Regardless of what you learned (or didn’t) from your own parents, you get to choose what you pass on to your own children. What do you want that to be??

I learned to love business from my dad, gathered around the kitchen table. I talked about this (and more) with Tammy Gooler Loeb on her podcast, Work from the Inside Out. Listen here!

The Mirrored Door: Break Through the Hidden Barrier that Locks Successful Women in Place is now available! Winner of the 2023 NYC Big Book award, it's the perfect gift for the professional woman in your life. Click here to get your copy!?

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