Here is a quick Goofus and Gallant Guide to Interviewing

By Jack J. Kelly

I vividly remember being a young kid bombarded in school, at home and in the dentist’s office by the ever-present Highlights magazine. For anyone of a certain vintage you may also recall this annoying made-for-kids magazine that was both ubiquitous and so boring – except for the Goofus and Gallant comic strip.

Goofus and Gallant was (are they still doing it?) a staple of Americana highlighting (pun intended) the actions of two young children with polar opposite morals and attitudes. The comic strip contrasts the actions of the titular characters, presenting Gallant as a righteous goody two shoes and Goofus as a bad boy, mean jerk who will most likely end up in jail or rehab.

Without smart phones we had to actually read newspapers and magazines and endure the preadolescent lessons in morality from Goofus and Gallant.

To this day, anyone over thirty sees the world as two warring ideologies described as “Goofus and Gallant” types.

When you interview, you have a choice to be a Goofus or Gallant. If you are not sure who you are or what you should do, I’m here to help you.

Here is a quick Goofus and Gallant guide to interviewing.

Goofus doesn’t take the time or expend the effort to conduct any homework before the interview, and rudely asks the interviewer, “So, what the hell does this company do?”

Gallant obsessively stalks the interviewers on LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter and Googles them too. He takes detailed notes about the interviewers’ likes, dislikes, habits and drinking problems.   

Goofus assume the interviewers all have seen and carefully read his resume so he neglects to bring in copies for everyone to view while interviewing him.

Gallant takes out several nicely printed resumes embossed on quality paper from his sharp leather briefcase and hands them out to the interviewers, and also offers each one of them his business card.

Goofus enters the interview with a five day beard growth, didn’t bother to get a haircut, and wears rumpled clothes.

Gallant arrives at the interview with a nice fashionable dark blue suit, crisp tie, tight stylish haircut, and the big type of glasses that make even a dumb person look smart. 

 Goofus didn’t bother to build or practice his elevator pitch to better sell himself, nor did Goofus think of questions to ask during the interview to demonstrate his interest. Consequently, he stammers, meanders, mumbles and comes across confused, disinterested and distracted.

Gallant read all my many informative and insightful articles about interviewing, and closely listened to my brilliant and entertaining “Dirty Little Recruiting Secrets” (now on SoundCloud.com and iTunes as well as www.ComplianceX.com) podcasts concerning important insider interviewing tips from a successful recruiter so he was uber prepared and aced the interviews. 

Goofus arrived late to the important interview because, well he’s Goofus and he didn’t check the train schedules to see which train line to catch and how long it would take to get across Manhattan in midday traffic from downtown to the Westside in the pouring rain. He also forgot to download Uber, and got drenched by a puddle of water as he unsuccessfully tried to hail a yellow taxi cab. Since Goofus arrived late to the interview, he did not have a chance to freshen-up in the men’s bathroom and looked like a drowned rat. Of course he forgot to utilize the restroom. Goofus had to pee so badly he tapped his legs, squirmed and appeared thoroughly uncomfortable throughout the interview.

Gallant carefully and thoughtfully mapped out and clocked his entire route to the interviewer’s office the night before. He also took a trial run to make sure that he could arrive there in plenty of time. Gallant smartly left sufficient time to promptly get to the meeting and freshen up in the bathroom. He combed his perfect luscious hair, checked that no food particles were stuck in his teeth, popped a mint, and made sure he used the rest room facilities. Since he arrived early, Gallant engaged in unhurried small talk with the security guys who were so impressed they ushered him right up without even checking Galant’s identification. He exchanged pleasantries with the receptionist and was cool and relaxed prior to the meeting.

Goofus forgets his ID, is rude about it, makes a scene, and the security guards won’t let him in. He starts yelling loudly, causing a commotion in the lobby. People turn away and whisper “Who is that weirdo?” Eventually, after much pleading and groveling they begrudgingly let him go to the elevators. Goofus is now in a foul mood so he offends the receptionist, tells an inappropriate joke to someone else in the waiting lobby, and barks for a cup of coffee which he spills all over the guy sitting next to him. When he enters the interviewer’s office, unbeknownst to Goofus, it was the guy in the lobby that angrily said “Who is that weirdo?” Yeah, the interview did not last too long. Goofus’s hands were sweating profusely from the stress so when he shook the interviewer’s hand way too long – in a dead fishy soft way – to say goodbye, the guy had to dry off his palm on his suit.

This was an improvement from Goofus’s last interview, the time he had the flu. Goofus sneezed in his hand because he forgot to bring tissues. He spent the greater part of the interview wiping his runny nose. His right eye was a little red and oozy, so Goofus rubbed it after he was done with playing with his nose. When the interviewer not so politely ended the conversation he made sure not to shake Goofus’s hand, and didn’t bother to walk him out to the lobby and elevator bank. Without the guidance, Goofus got lost in a cubicle farm and it took about an hour for someone to track him down and escort Goofus out of the building. I believe they have a wanted picture hanging up somewhere in the building to prevent him from returning.

Gallant brought three forms of ID, and is exceedingly courteous to everyone he encounters on the way to meet his interviewer. In fact, several heads turned towards Gallant as he confidently walked, with his back straight, head held high, towards the elevator bank as if he already worked there, or maybe, as some people thought, was the president of the company. The only hitch was when a guy with a runny nose and pink eye bumped into him. Although Gallant was startled, he apologized even though it was his fault, and wished him a good day.

Goofus incessantly complains about how hard it was to find the office, says that the air conditioning is up too high, and fidgets with the chair, raising and lowering the levers, never getting it at the desired height. He leered inappropriately at the picture on the interviewer’s desk. It was taken when the interviewer and his wife were vacationing on the beach at the Turks and Caicos Islands, and she was wearing her favorite bikini. Once he finished fiddling with the chair, Goofus started playing with the stapler on the man’s desk. He nearly shot a staple through his thumb but that did not stop Goofus from his incessant whining about how bad his boss is, and that he is too stupid to appreciate Goofus’s awesomeness.

Gallant is polite about his current manger and coworkers. He clearly and rationally explains his reasons for seeking a new job, and artfully shares why his educational background and relevant experience would make him an asset to the organization. Gallant offers a wonderfully entertaining story about his wife and two lovely children on their family vacation at Turks and Caicos. His two kids are such little scamps. The interviewer was impressed that Gallant vacationed at the same location, quickly recognizing Gallant’s good taste. He was enthralled when Gallant offered him the personal cell phone number of the concierge at the hotel they both coincidently stayed out. Gallant leaned in and nonchalantly whispered that the concierge was a long-time family friend, and would go out his way to show the interviewer a great time, and comp him a room, when he and his wife returned to the island.

Goofus, when asked “Do you have any questions for me”, curtly demands to know the pay, vacation time, the dollar amount of his contributions to the health plan, when will he receive a raise and promotion, how many sick days he gets, and where everyone goes out to drink for lunch. Goofus was curious why the interviewer was still only a lowly Associate Vice President since he thought the dude looked like he was fifty five years old, and should have been further up the organizational chart. Goofus also pondered out loud why the interviewer has such as small office, really just a big cubicle he said, and a bad view outside the window. He was also curious why the guy had a man as an assistant. Seeing a picture of the interviewer at a baseball game, Goofus was wondering, with his outside voice, why the interviewer was a Mets baseball fan since they suck so much.

Gallant carried on a pleasant and enthusiastically robust discussion with the hiring manager. Gallant clearly and concisely walked him through his resume, highlighting (no pun) the parts of his background that are suitable and appropriate for the job. The conversation was lively and became shop talk in which they both shared marvelous anecdotes about their triumphs and failures, and laughed wholeheartedly at each other’s jokes. They offered each other tips on managing challenging situations. It turns out they know and enjoy the company of the same people outside of the office. Gallant left with a hearty handshake, and both gentlemen wore big real non-ironic grins. These were the type of smiles when you make that rare, genuine connection with someone you just met, but know that it is the beginning of a long, mutually benefiting relationship.

I hope you find this guide helpful in your future interviewing endeavors. Please stay tuned for more installments, unless the people at Highlights have no sense of humor, and sue me for using their images and characters without prior approval. I guess that that makes me the Goofus of writing, as Gallant surely would have properly and appropriately secured the rights to publish their intellectual property. So, maybe if they do notice, there won’t be another installment. Don’t worry, Goofus is prepared for that possible, unpleasant event, and secretly registered the names of Doofus and Dallant.