Here comes the son...

Trigger warning; birth images

This article is a little off the usual grid, however it still has surrogacy woven throughout it, why wouldn't it? It also tries to explain our emotions, and our connection with Caroline (known as 'C') our surrogate and helps try to educate why surrogates are surrogates I guess.

I also wanted to set the scene of Duke's birth because it was perfect. It was planned and it was beautiful. What followed for me, wasn't. There were no rainbows and unicorns. It became dark, lonely and the start of a journey of my own mental health as a non biological, non birthing parent. And we don't talk about that enough. You will also see that when we're faced with a challenge, we find ways to improve or change it, not for us necessarily. For others that will follow us, or for members we will later support via My Surrogacy Journey.

But first - let's lighten the mood. Care to read on? Let's begin...

They say nothing can totally prepare you for the birth of a child, emotionally that is. The crescendo of love and yearning to meet them, to hold them safely and smell their precious untouched pure skin, and sweet-smelling baby breath. However, being prepared physically for the arrival of our son was something we were not quite ready for.?Mamas and Papas?hadn’t delivered our furniture till five days before his scheduled C-Section date, and we still had the odd thing to buy on the day of his birth. I believe it’s known as the ‘second child’ effect, am I right?

The days leading up to the birth was still as exciting as ever, just like our previous pregnancy, Wes even sad Katie’s was no different too.

We decided to stay in a hotel the night before the C-Section as our baby was being born at the incredible Burnley Women’s and Newborn Centre part of?East Lancashire Hospitals NHS Trust, and we were first in theatre which was around 8am. The super talented Dr Fiona Clarke Consultant Gynaecologist was our Consultant throughout both pregnancies and she had come in especially today just to deliver our baby. To make sure everything ran to the birthing plan we created together with the most passionate and understanding midwife, Caroline Broome, who again was with us throughout Talulah’s pregnancy too.

The night before

We had a really lovely evening with ‘C’ and her husband, we discussed how the baby loved to be very active, and his constant kicks and stretches in particular. Caroline constantly said ‘this boy loves to stretch – I have a feeling he’s got long legs!’

We naturally compared this pregnancy to Talulah’s and spoke about the upsetting failed transfer from the Summer of 2018. I guess that’s why this pregnancy felt like an eternity, as it consumed us all, in particular our Surrogate. Her life on hold, injecting herself full of hormones since June 2018 when our treatment began at?CRGH?in London.

We ate our food, talked and laughed until we realised it was 10pm – we all needed our rest, not least of all our selfless Surrogate. So off we went, kissed her and her husband goodnight in the car park, gave her the ‘Pamper Hamper’ we had made over the last few weeks. It consisted of face masks, nail polish, body lotions and body butters, hair treatments, chocolate, a bangle from both our babies and a horse shoe lucky charm. The significance being that C works with horses and is a successful trainer, so this just felt right to give it to her, to bring he luck, as in recent weeks luck wasn’t on her side, in fact luck had been pretty shitty to C and her family.

Four weeks before C was due to give birth her Mum passed away fairly suddenly after a period of short illness, so apart from everything else to contend with, C now had to bury her Mum 9 months pregnant which was cruel and devastating for her – I wished there was something we could have done – just hearing the pain in her voice broke our hearts, so I can’t begin to imagine how she felt. But the trooper she is, she dusted herself off, rallied everyone round and did everyone proud, you see – this is why we love her, she has the most selfless soul and caring attitude, a daughter any Mum or parent would be proud of. So off we all drove, and headed to bed.

The morning of the birth

I had a terrible sleep, Wes on the other hand was snoring after 10 minutes, nothing to do with the bottle of prosecco he’d drank I’m sure. My head was racing, I was more nervous this time around as I understood the risks of the C-section more, and the fact we were in theatre again (this time it was planned as part of our NHS birthing plan, which we devised with Caroline Broome and Ms Clarke) made me respect the surgery more this time, and the risks surrogates take for doing what they do.

Before I knew it, it was 6am and we had to be up, out and at the hospital as C and her husband were arriving for 7am. We arrived onto the Ante Natal Ward, met C chatted to our Midwife and Ms Clarke and before we knew it, we were heading to the Birthing Suite, where C was being prepped for theatre by the amazing team.

The care from start to finish was exceptional and we felt so at ease, relaxed and included – again proof that just because this is a surrogacy journey Intended Parents shouldn’t be treated any differently, nor should they accept when a trust won’t allow both sets of parents in theatre for example. Just because its Hospital policy just to allow one person in theatre, doesn’t mean it’s acceptable or fair. In our case, we were present, as was C’s husband. Again – all down to the incredible Caroline Broome and Ms Clarke and our tenaciousness to drive change and improve an NHS Trusts policy.

Scrubbed up

The time came to put on our scrubs, a gorgeous oversized Peach toned garment – not the most attractive outfit I’ve worn, friends of mine would surely have a catalogue of trends I’ve displayed and failed at, my attempt at low crotch baggy All Saints jeans from 2006 comes close to this moment – they looked similar too! But anyways, we sat in a waiting room with other Dads to be, all looking like extras from Teletubbies with our peach blancmange coloured garms. We waited for our name to be called to head to theatre – it felt an age, but was only around 20 mins. And then they called us, and we headed to Theatre 1, the same theatre where Talulah was born.

We entered the cool, chilled theatre brightly lit room- a blaze with staff and technology bleeping sounds. I counted 16 staff from Ms Clarke to Consultant Anaesthetics, Theatre Practitioners, several Midwives, a PICU Nurse and a number of junior doctors and other healthcare professionals. C lay there, the fabric screen down (as this time she wanted to see the baby being born), she looked calm and beaming. Her husband went straight over to her, kissed her on the head and Wes and I gave her a wink and blew her a kiss too. At 0914 ‘Knife to Skin’ was recorded on the large white board, at 0915 ‘Uterine Incision’ was made, and then at 0916, as if by magic, love and science our baby boy entered the world, crying, with more hair than me and Wes put together and not looking happy with us all, he had a couple more weeks left 'to bake', but it was agreed after medical advice he was born slightly earlier.

C’s husband took the most powerful photograph which is Time Magazine worthy in my opinion, it captures the emotions perfectly. To us, its caption ‘Love born through Surrogacy’ or 'Do you mind, I was having a nap!' How would you caption it?

The Duke

Weighing 7lb and 4.5oz our Son, Duke Johnson-Ellis was here, safe and well with a great set of lungs on him too. I cut the cord after a delayed period where he lay in a towel right on C’s chest, just as she wanted (she didn’t do this with Talulah and she regretted not seeing her more at the birth so made plans to ensure that wasn't the case this time), he was sucking his thumb comforting himself. Once the cord was cut the staff brought him to Wes and I and we observed his checks and they gave him his vitamin K injection. He was perfect. Our Midwife then got our room prepared for us on the birthing suite, and there we took him for our first precious moments together, having skin on skin, holding him tight – both crying with sheer happiness.

Time to introduce him to his big sisters. We FaceTimed Katie first, being the eldest, it’s perfectly fair. As Duke was on my chest at the time Katie thought I was chest feeding him – (cheers Katie!). Time to hit the gym next week, maybe! Next we called Talulah who was at my parents overnight. Her face was a picture, she kissed the phone several times and just kept repeating ‘Ohhhh, its baby Duke! Is it really my brother Daddies, is it? Our hearts continued to stretch a little more, and my fears of her feeling rejected faded a little. For now, I’m sure the guilts will creep in.

We called our parents and brothers and began sending the odd texts to close friends and family, we then put our phones away, came off social media, and just lay looking at him. The hospital had very kindly put us in our own suite, with its own kitchen, bathroom and bedroom, usually reserved for when parents tragically lose a baby and need privacy away from the birthing suites. C was down the corridor in bay 16. The suite option was never a guarantee, but thankfully no parents had experienced the worst imaginable loss, and we were able to bond with our son in private. We actually had the same suite where we sat with Talulah, so the memories were pleasant, which is more I can say for the stories and devastation that this room has witnessed over time, our thoughts with anyone who has lost a baby during pregnancy or childbirth.?

Within the first 20 mins he guzzled down almost 3oz of formula, then slept all day. During the next few hours Duke was observed and had the regular hip and heart tests; all were normal. His hearing test will take place locally to us, once the appointment has been made. Once this was done, we went to see how C was doing, she was loving life and high as a kite, wanting all medication and pain relief, which I can’t say I blame her for either, she looked tired but also relieved. I could see she was keen to get home, and who’d blame her? Not only had they moved house that very week, it was her youngest child’s 13th birthday the following day (which she later spent in hospital). The expression on her face appeared different, and this wasn't the meds. She looked relieved. It’s now also time for her to reconnect to her family, to be a mother again solely to her four children and a wife to her amazingly supportive husband, without the distraction of pregnancy or fertility drugs and obviously us.

Completed

C always wanted to complete a sibling journey for a couple, and I’m so glad she chose us, as much as we chose her. She’s achieved that desire, we ticked that box, that wish and that goal, and whilst I’m writing this with happy tears streaming, I also believe she has completed the journey with us too, a chapter closed but friends forever and she will remain in our lives and our children’s lives for eternity. I now believe she’s achieved exactly what she wanted to in terms of the surrogacy journey. She sent this message shortly after we messaged her after we left the hospital and said our bye’s…

Us: Hey, we just wanted you to know how grateful we are for what you have done for our family, you will never quite know the impact you have had on our lives and we will be eternity grateful. We wish you all a speedy recovery and we’ll see you soon in a few weeks.

C: It is an absolute pleasure; I love seeing you all so happy – it’s exactly why I chose to do this, I'm very proud of what my body has done and the family I've help make xxx

What followed was my leave from work. I was self-employed this time around, (August 2019) so any leave was at my own financial cost. Wes was also a contractor too, so we had to manage our finances and our time, managing our new business (The Modern Family Show) and my fertility recruitment consultancy business. This I wanted to be the main carer for Duke as I wanted to ensure I bonded, as I was terrified if truth be known, being a non genetic parent through surrogacy can be complex, and no counselling was given to me to prepare for this experience. Something we've later tackled in our emotional support offering at My Surrogacy Journey.

To be continued...

Surrogacy in the UK is currently going through some changes and recently The Law Commission have delivered their final bill to government. The changes will go a long way to improve UK surrogacy, check out my blog about the latest bill over on our surrogacy agencies website, My Surrogacy Journey.