Here Are 4 Things You Have Wrong About Divorce You Need To Fix NOW

"It takes 2 people to nurture a relationship."

My favorite quote, "love is something we create and work on; it takes 2 people to nurture and build a relationship" takes the sting away from a marriage gone south. No one can have a relationship by themselves. Your life after divorce is filled with hope whether you’re struggling with what to do after a breakup or not. As you learn how to deal with co-parenting, how to date after divorce and how to get over a breakup you caused, you are well on your way to having excellent coping skills when dealing with divorce. When dealing with life after a breakup, here are 4 things you have wrong about divorce you need to fix now.

Shame: how to get over a breakup you caused

Shame complicates how to get over a breakup you caused. But you’ve got to pull yourself together because no matter what you may be thinking or feeling, it’s not all your fault. Even if you’re the one who cheated. Betrayal does cut deep. It takes a personal commitment to oneself to heal from a spouse who's had an affair. But it is doable. And, it's often a gift in disguise. 

You know that relationships end for all sorts of reasons and if you were both happy, you wouldn’t be where you are today. That's a tough pill to swallow. It's so much easier to remain angry, victimized, and self-righteous than do the healing work. Find help so that over time, you'll be able to be with someone who won't hurt you in the future. 

You also know that your healing includes owning your part in the breakdown of the marriage. This is where blaming your ex (the one who cheated) gets tough.

What to do after a breakup when the person you once loved hurt you?

I do not prescribe that forgiveness is more important than boundaries. It's important to heal properly. Healing takes boundaries and a feeling of safety. So how to get over a breakup you caused when you were not the one who cheated? When there was no blatant affair or you were simply unhappy? What do you do then? How do you hold your part in the breakdown of your marriage?

This is where some deep soul searching and personal growth needs to come into order. It's so much easier to simply swallow the shame and project this image that your ex is all to blame. 

But in truth, we all change as we age: hormones, self-care, passion, life-choices begin to catch up with us. And if we're not responsible for our own well-being and health, then we may lose someone we love. 

I write this to encourage you to rethink how you're living your life. We have to be honest here. Your life after divorce is filled with hope. You have a chance to take ownership and create things you want! But in order to learn how to get over a breakup, you caused, you can't simply ignore what's occurred in the past or totally blame your ex 

It takes 2 people to nurture any relationship. The self-incrimination or blame needs healing. They can't stick around or get in too deep without causing long-term pain and suffering.

What to do after a breakup: coping skills when dealing with divorce

So what are you to do? Developing coping skills when dealing with divorce usually look like dating again, engaging in lots of sex or staying in and hiding from sex or waiting out time. It may be a good idea to let some days go by while you do your best to manage the onslaught of feelings that overwhelm your senses. Then again, it may not.

Coping skills when dealing with divorce demand taking care of yourself. Learn how to eat well and exercise to manage the stress. You'll want to find a counselor and/or coach (they are different and have different roles). You may want to return to work or engage in social activities that don't include sex. They will help you build a new community and get you out of the house.

Life after divorce is filled with hope

Even when you may feel a bit lost and confused. Even when you may want to hide at home. Hope is necessary to create your life after divorce. You have a wonderful chance to become the kind of person you dream to be.

But, what about being content with where you are? What if you're the kind of person who wonders why "others can't love you just the way you are?"

It's not good to stay stuck in a rut. You’ve got to insert yourself into new things… lose some weight, eat better, learn to cook, learn how to balance a budget, get a job.

You just can't expect everyone you want to be with to be able to accept you just as you are… we age, our bodies change; unless you’re super lucky, you’ve got to clean up your act to attract a new partner in order to find love and affection, if that’s what you want.

Parenting advice: dealing with co-parenting after divorce

One of the most difficult things about co-parenting after divorce is the on-going anger and resentments. Without some work, you'll carry a lot of old judgments and expectations into the new family arrangement.

Decide you’re going to figure this out. (News Flash: your friends don't usually help.) So instead, find a coach and/or a mentor who understands this modern-day rite of passage and can help you heal while simultaneously getting your life in order.

The hardest thing is to keep your feelings in check with your child’s other parent. But decide to be civil and get some coaching on dealing with co-parenting after divorce. It is not easy! It's also one of the most important lessons you will leave your children.

What if you're still struggling with what to do after a breakup?

This tells me that your environment may not be healthy enough for changes to stick. Or your coping skills, when dealing with divorce, are in their infancy. You might have Post-Traumatic-Divorce-Disorder ?. Or your friends don't know how to advise you. (They often don't.)

You may have tried dating after divorce and yet, you're disappointed and lonely. The anger and hurt make it tough to let go of the story. It's not always easy to turn the story around to empowering your life after divorce. It's hard to shift your habits and practices.

I find it's not easy to ask for help. It's tough to make changes stick when they seem so easy on paper (been on a diet recently?!) But with the right environment, everything is attainable.

Decide that your life after divorce is going to be hopeful and filled with new relationships. Or choose to be happily single. Either option works as long as you are happy and content with your life. If you find yourself stuck, reach out! I've got your back on these changes and know your life after divorce is hopeful!

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura's a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce? School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com.