Henry

The World Health Organization (WHO) defines mental health as: A state of well-being in which people realize their own abilities, cope with the normal stresses of life, work productively and fruitfully make a contribution to their community.

The term “physical health” summons neutral to aspirational feelings.? Whereas a mention of “mental health” almost immediately is a gateway to discussing distress or illness. ? My hope here is to consider how and what we process in support of mental health.

Most of us spend a disproportionate amount of time on our physical health.? This is seen and validated by how people respond to our appearance, abilities and lifestyle choices.? Our mental health is often less visible and without much external impetus, it is often under-noursished.

In my family, we have begun discussing habits and opportunities to care for our minds.? In some cases, therapy and/or medication is helpful, and in other moments, we talk about sleep, screen time, academics, friendships and faith. ? My 10 year old son, Henry, struggles with boredom, but complexity, intrigue and “over his head” engage him so we have been talking about different ways of processing for the last couple of years.

Me: “Henry, why do people buy fast cars and then drive them slowly?”? Asking for a friend who left later than he should have and is now frustrated that someone isn’t driving fast enough for his liking :-)

Henry: “I don’t know Daddy.” Me: “I don’t know either but what do you think?

Henry: “I don’t know Daddy.”

Me (exasperation growing): “I know you don’t know and that’s why I’m asking you what you think.? Thinking is important, especially when you don’t know.”

Henry (exasperation growing):? “What’s the difference? What are you talking about?”

Yes, I am this exhausting to live with….not always but often.

Henry’s questions helped me frame something that I am finding important and fleeting.? In our desire for certainty in an increasingly turbulent and noisy world, we like to know more and more and think less.? Knowing allows us to close a circuit, but thinking is messy and uncomfortable.? Further still, wondering is the place where we sit with questions that don’t have satisfying answers.

Me: “Henry, what do you think of this?? When we know something, we have all or most of the clues to confidently assert something.? When we think something, we have clues but not all or most so we express our opinion.? When we wonder about something, we have even fewer clues but the thing might be worth considering.? What do you think?”

In a world where information is easily accessible, my hope is for us to consistently be improving our operating systems.? Adding more data to my database seems less critical but prompting thought and wonder feels foundational to the way we experience the world from a place of health.? Absorbing new, high quality information is important, but I’d like to pivot our posture to places of exploration in support of lighting up those other neurons.

Henry: “I understand.”Me: “Let’s test this.? I know I am Vimal Shyamji.? I think I’m a pretty good dad.? I wonder if you would like to end this conversation.”

Henry: “Yeah, can we stop talking about this now?”

Yes, I let the poor kid off the hook, but these concepts have become a part of our dialogue.? A couple of times a week I ask him a question I think he doesn’t know the answer to.? Sometimes, he does know, surprises me and teaches me something.? Other times, he responds with I don’t know.? Depending on his capacity, I either let it go or encourage him to think.Wondering is where we still have the most upside.? I try to ask questions that expose beliefs and values as we pick up additional clues and maybe start to bump up against knowing.?

Examples include:

“Why do good things happen to bad people?”? “Are there bad people?”

“If getting A’s doesn’t mean someone is smart, what does?”

“What part of you wants to say yes to this?”

My working theory is when we ask our minds to work in different ways, we underpin mental health, enabling us to better meet the moments that matter.If this resonates with you, what would make these conversations more likely to occur? What might our workplaces, families and communities start to look like when we think and wonder just a bit more?

When professional help is needed, please get it.? I know it has been a girding force for me.? When you want to head to the gym, I hope you’ll think and wonder just a bit more.