Hemingway Meets Fitzgerald

Hemingway Meets Fitzgerald

By Joel Elveson

HERE IN NEW YORK CITY back in the 1970’s (am I really that old) you had a choice to either go to your “neighborhood academic high school” or take tests to apply for admission to those high schools that also taught you a “trade” (printing, electrical, etc.) in addition to a regular academic program.

Not wanting to attend the high school in my area due horror stories of teachers being stabbed along with student assaults amongst other not so pleasant events. In Junior High School I had some exposure to Offset and Manual Printing and discovered I liked it. I took a test for admission to what was then known as the New York School of Printing. Being all thumbs with a dislike for the smell of ink or the liquid you had to clean the printing presses with my decision looked pretty foolish.

In 1974 The New York School of Printing was awarded a Journalism/Creative Writing Class which would take place of learning printing. It was a perfect for me to the point where I was within a hair of being accepted into the Columbia University Journalism Program.

Part of the curriculum was that you had to close study the works of two prominent novelists/short story writers. The two authors whose work I read most were F. Scott Fitzgerald (The Great Gatsby) and Ernest Hemingway. While both knew each other well while managing to maintain some sort of friendship they were bitter rivals.

With that, I was handed an assignment to write a mini-lay on any subject. I chose to write Hemingway Meets Fitzgerald. The play (the meeting of the two authors long after they have passed away) takes place in New York City’s Grand Central Station.

Here it is for your reading enjoyment:

HEMINGWAY MEETS FITZGERALD | A PLAY BY JOEL ELVESON

Hemingway: Where is that guy (Fitzgerald)? I hope I did not come out of my grave to come here for nothing…..If he doesn’t come, I am going to finish my latest novel called For Whom The Tapes Toll (Richard Nixon Watergate tapes).

A strange looking man walks up ever slowly to Hemingway. A small but ever curious crowd begins to envelop the men. At first, they are thought to be Ozzie & Harriet or actors from another TV show. Shortly thereafter there recognized as F. Scott Fitzgerald & Ernest Hemingway. We pick up the conversation with comments from Fitzgerald: What is the matter with these people? They act as if they never saw walking dead men before. They sure dress in the funniest looking clothes these days. They look at me as if I were a superstar or something like that. Where are your manners? Stop staring at me he angrily snarls.

Fitzgerald’s eyes light up like a star-studded moon lit the nighttime sky as he sees his long –time companion, a fellow novelist, and occasional bitter rival. He walls ever cautiously toward Hemingway. Wasting no time Fitzgerald fires his first barb at Hemingway by telling him that he (Fitzgerald) still things his writing (Hemingway) stinks.

Hemingway: Well it has been too short of time for my liking and you haven’t changed a bit. Will you ever admit that I am a far superior writer to you? Uh rather was. I forgot we are both dead. Hee, hee, hee. Let’s go to my room where we can talk about the “old times.” I always had better taste than you especially when it came to women. Not to mention better sense too.

Fitzgerald: Okay old man you win (snickering under his breath). Tell me what have you written lately? A book on the joys of reading another one of your boring novels I presume. Oh, that felt good! When you are hot you are hot. Right now Ernie baby I am on fire! Sock it to me, Ernie! Burn Ernie burn!

Hemingway: You scrawny no good rat! You are about as much fun or about as interesting as listening to Richard Nixon talking about Phase Four of his plan to rebuild our economy (times change but the issues remain the same) or how we must commit to four more years of war in Vietnam. And you make as little sense as Nixon does. Bu then what do you expect from an idiot novelist who only writes using fictitious people.

Fitzgerald: All right! All right! I make a few harmless jokes and you get as nasty as you always did. You could never lose your macho persona. What in the dickens is the matter with you? Are you in love? Having an affair? Is that that it Ernie? Huh, old boy?

Hemingway: To you the name is Ernest. And if I am in love, which by the way I am, it is no business of yours. Tell me. Wise guy about your times in Paris. During the time when you were flirting with every skirt that walked by me as an ambulance driver for the Red Cross. Also, I was on the staff of several papers. Top that! But I always managed to hear about all those bum reviews you gave of my masterpieces. Did you by chance hear about me and Gertrude Stein? I Secretly loved her……But she (sobbing) never thought of me as anything but a writer who needs help with his style.

Fitzgerald: Gee, that is too bad about you and that Stein gal. I can’t seem to recall my times in Paris. But I did have a nice little affair with Miss Baker. You know the one with the small breasts. We had it really together.

Hemingway: Now that I have enough courage after all of these years to say this, I wrote A Farewell to Arms about the time everyone was getting blown to pieces during the war. The Sun Also Rises but is never that way in my underground box. So I wrote a story on it. ‘Those were the days, my friend I thought they’d never end. We’d sing and dance forever and a day. We’d fight and never lose. Oh yes, those were the days.” Excuse my singing but this rock n roll turns me on.

Fitzgerald: Hey, look it is getting kind of late and I wish we could talk/argue more, but my wife Zelda is waiting. Let’s meet again sometime in the 21st century in this same spot. Till Then, keep well and remember the night is tender. “Under the boardwalk is where I’ll be. Oh, one more thing if I may….That beard of your has got to go. It looks like it was made from the bristles of a toilet bowl brush. Shave It Off! Then you might look as handsome and debonair as I do. Although I shouldn’t say such things as only a miracle could save that face.

Hemingway: Beat it already! You are too much the dumb, simple minded, illiterate person I always thought you were. Personally, you still look like a scrawny rat which will likely never change.

Fitzgerald: Bye-bye, Ernie see ya around again sometime. But please get rid if that beard.

Both men with their memories in tow walk away vanishing into the fiery orange sunset leaving onlookers to scratch their head in wonderment trying to decide if what they witnessed was real or staged. While both Hemingway and Fitzgerald planned to reunite once again in the 21st it remains to be seen if that will occur mainly because this write may never be able to recreate this work again. Only Nick Adams & Nick Carraway know what will be as they arranged this meeting. Who are Nick Carraway & Nick Adams? Finish reading this play pick up a copy of The Sun Also Rises By Ernest Hemingway along with The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald. Both characters named above will become familiar to you.