Helping your team deal with Grief and Loss

Together with forcing shifts in how we work, planning for business continuity in the face of uncertainty and rethinking core product offerings to cope with changing demand, COVID19 has brought another layer of complexity to leadership teams today - rewiring their leadership approach to drive an organisational culture that allows for space to deal with the loss and grief that teams are suffering during this time. This pandemic and the ensuing socioeconomic, cultural, political and personal upheavals has brought up what experts are referring to as "shared (or collective) trauma" which we weren't ever thinking of before, and find ourselves unequipped to handle when trying to manage everything else related to teams, business and work. Here are some frameworks and ideas to help you and your leadership teams understand how this plays out (seen and unseen) and how you can take some steps to make sure you can help yourselves and your team get through this time.

How is this situation different: COVID grief is disenfranchised grief. People are unable to adequately articulate or express the grief they are feeling, that they would in normal times. Making sense of individual situations doesn't follow a pattern.

• Death from COVID-19 occurs quickly and randomly. Young, healthy people may die, while older people with medical issues recover.
• COVID-19's erratic nature—with some family members surviving and others not—can make survivor guilt worse than usual.
• The traditional goodbye to loved ones, with handholding and hugging, has sometimes been replaced by a cell phone conversation with a health care worker as the go-between.
• Social support for those grieving is often by e-mail, phone or Zoom, not in person. There is sometimes no sense of closure or resolution.
• Other chaos, such as multiple loved ones falling sick or dying at the same time, fear of job loss, or financial problems can make the COVID-19 grieving process worse.

Recognising what we've lost: Even before families and companies were affected with personal loss of people, the world loss a sense of normalcy. Overnight, we lost out on social connection, emotional bonds and a sense of purpose that tied together our days and weeks.

Not knowing if your company is going to survive the economic downturn creates a constant, heightened sense of stress that is detrimental to the human body - being in a constant state of fight or flight doesn't allow the mind and body time to unwind, reflect and process what's happening. We try to power through this time without fully allowing ourselves to feel and recognise these feelings.

For people who have lost friends or family members during this time, there are significant issues to deal with. Loss of a loved one is a traumatic event that requires time and acknowledgement to heal. Traditional Indian rituals were structured to do this, as tedious as they may have felt - collective gathering and rituals helped create a sense of closure and acknowledgement of the loss. With many cremations and burials done hurriedly, by hospital staff directly or in absence of traditional ways and many times without being able to see someone one last time, we are left with a sense of surrealness and disorientation that stays with us even as we try and get back to normalcy, get back to work. Many employees choose to get back to work immediately, in the absence of the ability to do anything else, but not taking the time off after such an event can have detrimental effects both for the employee as well as their team and company.

Acknowledging the grief: The single most important thing that can be done right now - especially by leaders - is to acknowledge this sense of grief and loss. At the start of the lockdowns, when we didn't know how bad things would be, there was almost a wave of toxic positivity - "isn't it great to work from home?", "you should be happy you're not stuck in traffic!", "you get to spend so much time with your kids!" While we've crossed that bridge, it's still okay to reach out to your teams and help them acknowledge what they're missing about their "former lives". Reminiscing about the things employees miss in this new setup is one step towards moving past the denial and trying to put on a strong face all the time, that everyone has to adapt to a new style of working and just see the positives. Particularly for people who may not have had positive, supportive or comfortable home environments to begin with.

For employees who have lost a loved one, not everyone may be comfortable talking about it but many would appreciate the chance to speak about losing someone they loved, how they didn't get to say goodbye or what they will miss. Many people feel survivor's guilt especially if an entire family went through COVID and recovered except one, or if they felt they were unable to do everything logistically possible to get a bed, oxygen, medicines or additional resources. As a manager or a colleague, you can take this chance to reassure them or just listen and allow them to unburden themselves of that guilt.

Recognising the signs for help: Whereas earlier being face to face, we'd be able to see colleagues who were upset, the Zoom world has allowed for more distance and less intuition to pick up on signs of struggle and distress. People affected may still deliver work or adhere to basic deadlines, but reduce participating on group WhatsApp chats, not engage in feedback more proactively, not be available during certain hours of the day, or just generally seem disengaged. For employees who have experienced loss - if they normally participate during meetings but have gone quiet and you sense something is wrong but are unsure of what to say, a simple line like this may help them open up: "I can't imagine everything you're feeling right now. We want to help. Tell me what you need."

What your company can do: There's no right or wrong answer to this, but the key is to respond, acknowledge and understand that additional interventions or support may be needed. Some companies have tried the following initiatives and programs to put more support for employees -

• Bereavement leave for one week
• Organising mental health and grief counselling sessions for all staff
• Additional financial support immediately to cope with the loss of an earning member or interim loans to pay for significant financial liabilities and medical expenses
• Organising celebration sessions to mourn a team member's passing - allowing their team and others a space to recognise them and share memories. Some companies have also made a financial contribution in an employee's honour for a cause they were passionate about - a scholarship, a charity or something similar.
• Training for mid-level managers to recognise signs of depression, struggle and address performance issues in this circumstance.

As someone who is on both sides of the table - an HR professional and someone who has experienced the death of a close family member due to COVID - I should mention that more often than not, it's the smaller signs instead of the larger company policies that make a difference. People checking in more often, empathy and compassion shown on group meetings when referring to this time, resetting expectations of performance, goals and targets from a place of non-judgment and support are often what help team members who may not be comfortable openly sharing still feel included, seen and welcome into a workplace.

It's scary because we are not trained to handle grief and loss, as regular people. This is not something we usually train managers on - but very well may need to, with how the world has drastically changed in the last 18 months. However, you don't need to be a trained grief counsellor or therapist to reach out to your team or your colleagues. Checking in often enough sometimes is the lifeline that people grab on to, and that's enough of a start.