Helping Your Children Cope with Your Divorce

As one of the spouses going through a #divorce, you know all too well that this is one of the most difficult times of your adult life. If you have children, you are undoubtedly concerned about how this adult process is impacting them. Whether they are young or on the cusp of adulthood, having the fabric of their family lives torn apart can have devastating, long-term consequences on your kids.

But there are steps that you can take to help your children transition into the new life that comes along with their parents’ divorce.

Respect Both Parent-Child Relationships

No matter how much one parent may wish the other parent would just disappear, the truth is that children have deep bonds with both parents regardless of the acrimony between the spouses. Trying to undermine a child’s relationship with the other parent will only cause conflict and confusion with the child. Respecting the parent-child bond between both parents and the children is a necessary component to helping children healthily adjust to their new circumstances.

Don’t Make the Kids Your Go-Between

No matter how tempting it is to use the children to pass messages to the other parent and avoid direct contact, this strategy only serves to put the children in the middle of adult issues. Likewise, trying to glean information about the other spouse, his or her actions, life in the other parent’s home, etc. is also not a great strategy. If children want to initiate discussion about life with the other parent, don’t discourage the communication but keep conversations neutral and non-judgmental.

Don’t Overcompensate

Divorce is tough on everyone, but trying to make it up to the children by lavishing them with excessive gifts or dramatically altering parenting styles will only serve to further confuse the situation. Parents should maintain their normal parenting style as best as possible throughout the divorce process, and focus on setting a positive example to the children at all times

Focus On Values Rather Than Control

Although it may be tempting to try and exercise control over the one thing that seems controllable amidst all the chaos of divorce – the children – it is a losing strategy. Instead, focus on leading by example and instilling positive values in the children through your words and actions. A firm but patient approach to expectations (homework, curfews, house chores, etc.) goes much further than issuing edicts, especially during the emotional turmoil of a divorce.

Be a Strong Role Model

It is a natural part of the growing process for a child to look to his or her same-sex parent for cues in developing their own personalities. Daughters study their mothers actions and behaviors and sons look to their father’s for the same information. It can be extremely devastating to a child’s natural development to make negative comments about the other parent, so don’t do it. Such negativity will only adversely impact your child’s healthy development.

Don’t Use Children as a Surrogate Spouse

Allowing children to be children – and not expecting them to function as a mini-parent or spouse – is one of the healthiest things you can do for a child during a divorce. While a divorcing parent may be lonely or bereft, the children should not be expected to provide the companionship or affection that is missing because of the departed spouse. Relying on children to parent younger siblings or take on household responsibilities once reserved for the other parent only prevents the child from their own personal development and may lead to resentment down the road.

Deal with Your Feelings First

Going through a divorce raises many emotional issues and feelings that may be difficult to process. However, it is important not to project your own fears, worries or concerns onto the children. Keep your personal feelings segregated and manage them through assistance with a therapist or adult friend. Don’t assume your children share your same fears and concerns. Your children will be going through their own feelings and emotions related to the split, and you should help them work through their own issues, not yours.

Accept That Situations Change

As children of divorce approach their teen years, it is often a natural part of the post-divorce reality that the child may want to live with the other parent. This can often be very difficult for the custodial parent to accept or even understand. However, children often have legitimate reasons for wanting the change, and it is usually not personal against the custodial parent. Often the child simply wants to spend more time with the other parent while they can. They may also be concerned about whether the custodial parent can make it without them. If a young adult child wants to live with the other parent, try and discover the motivation through calm and reasoned dialogue before jumping to conclusions.

Going through a divorce can lead to financial uncertainty and concern. Contact me to learn how a Divorce Transitional Support Advisor can help you or your client regain financial stability after a divorce.