Helping People Change

One of the most interesting things about human behavior change is called ambivalence.

Ambivalence is essentially the idea that no matter what, we will always see benefits and negatives to each decision.

You may have experienced ambivalence in attempting to make a decision. At first, you see all the benefits of decision A, then all of a sudden, you see all the detriments to decision A and all of the benefits to decision B.

We experience a pendulum effect when making a choice to change. We get all excited to make the change and then are hit with thoughts about how the change may be risky or not worthwhile.

For this reason, many people don't change. They do not realize that the pendulum swinging in our minds is a normal process of change, not a reason to move into inaction.

So when we help people change, we need to be aware of this ambivalence. This ratio between change and sustain.

All the phrases someone says either to themselves or to another person, that promote change are called "change talk" and all the things someone says that promote no change are called "sustain talk".

Typically, when we see no change happening, it is because change talk and sustain talk are fairly equal.

Remember that change talk and sustain talk are not only external but also within our own minds in our thoughts. So you can notice it in your own mind, and you can notice it when speaking to someone contemplating change.

In order to create change, we need to shift the ratio between sustain talk and change talk. Change talk needs to be higher than sustain talk.

For most people to change, they do not need advice, they need to change their ratio.

So when trying to help someone change, refrain from giving advice and instead focus on highlighting their change talk back to them.

Here are some ways to highlight change talk to illicit change:

• Affirming: acknowledging their motivation and commitment to change.
• Reflecting: paraphrasing their statements to emphasize their desire for change.
• Asking open-ended questions: encouraging them to elaborate on their reasons for change or plans for action.

There is no need to dismiss or argue against the sustain talk. For most of us to change, we typically need an empathetic ear and someone to reflect our change talk back to us.