Helping Others with their Grief

As a Clinical Psychologist who routinely treats grieving individuals and families, my first inclination is to respond empathically to anyone who has experienced a loss, or any significant, traumatic event. I want to reach out to them, provide assistance, and, lessen their pain. On occasion I have caught myself thinking that if I’m not doing something to facilitate their open expression of grief, and the management of?presumably?negative emotions, then I am doing them a disservice. When we interact with the bereaved, it is not uncommon for these thoughts to persist in our minds, particularly if these individuals are not grieving the way we think they should. Beware such irrational thoughts! They can cause some of the same problems we seek to avoid.

Whether you’re a friend, relative, therapist, or just a casual acquaintance, there's a feeling we sometimes get--one which pulls at us and that can be deeply unsettling--that we?must?say or do something. Offering some supportive words or advice is better than nothing, right? Not necessarily, especially when it comes at the expense of being fully present for the bereaved individual. It can actually be harmful. That includes insisting that a person must grieve a certain way, within a set time-frame, or see a grief counselor following a loss. So, I constantly remind myself that while I'm a therapist, and knowledgeable in these areas, my primary responsibility is to be present?in mind and body?for the bereaved person.

Grief is personal. We should never interfere with someone's grief experience, especially by suggesting an order or structure to it. Some factors influencing grief responses include one's cultural background, religious beliefs, financial situation, past loss experience, unique personality, knowledge of the causation of loss/death, and the relationship one had with the person who has died. These same factors also impact one's resiliency in the face of loss, that is, their ability to "bounce back" from it.

All things considered, we must not pass judgment on anyone's grief or lack thereof. Everyone grieves differently. This is especially important for bereaved families who might be experiencing powerful and intense emotions, and therefore have trouble being mutually supportive post-loss.

Here are some tips for helping someone who has experienced a loss:

• Don’t wait to offer your support following a loss. Just being there, if briefly can have a tremendous impact on the bereaved.
• Don’t pressure grieving individuals to talk about their feelings.
• Let them cry. Don’t tell someone they're grieving too much.
• If you're feeling emotionally exhausted from offering your support, it's okay to ask someone (e.g., a friend or relative) for assistance. Speaking with someone else can decrease your stress, thereby enabling you to be more helpful to the bereaved.
• Listen to the individual’s specific needs. You don’t need to “fix the loss,” have all the answers, or do all of the “grief work” for the bereaved. Grieving individuals can grow and find a new balance in life based on their own coping efforts.
• Avoid making statements which might make intellectual sense, but that are emotionally barren and devoid of any real meaning, i.e., “she’s in a better place now.”
• It's okay to listen deeply, if not intently, making simple, supportive statements like, “I'm so sorry for your loss." Just showing that you recognize and appreciate the scope of the loss through your supportive comments can be extremely validating to someone.
• Anticipate that certain dates such as anniversaries, birthdays, or holidays will be difficult times for the bereaved. Despite this, grief gets better over time.
• Check in on them. Assure the grieving individual that you're close by and can be contacted any time. Also, encourage the bereaved to make a list of people and resources that may serve as an outlet for their grief since you cannot always be there.

*?If your own or someone else’s grief has become too difficult to bear you might wish to enter grief counseling or therapy. You might consider seeing a licensed psychologist (usually a PhD or PsyD). They could be of assistance by allowing you to speak freely about your grief-related feelings, helping you to identify problem areas, and develop some additional coping techniques. Psychologists are unique in this respect due to their extensive education and training, which, on average lasts 7 years, following the receipt of their undergraduate degrees. There are also many excellent books, videos, etc. on the market designed to help people express and work through their grief, in addition to using one’s social supports.

By: Darin D. Schiffman, PsyD, L.P.